Love life dilemma

What a roller coaster week this has been. First, I'm told that "the wife is suspicious," asking strange questions and acting strange...so we have to "take a break from seeing each other," probably for a month or more. While I am still reeling from THAT little announcement, causing me upset and tears, the next day he says, "let's go to lunch." I'm like, WTF?? So we go to lunch. I had to fight back tears the whole time. He's killing me, this one. Killing me slowly.

So I decide to kill him back, just a little. And what's the best way for me to kill somebody just a little? With my words of course. You should know that about me by now.

We have had very intense discussions via email all week long, where I have been trying to tell him that eventually (and inevitably) he'll be caught, with or without me in his life, and eventually he will have to face the decision of either being true to himself and free to pursue D/s because that's a big part of who he is, OR he'll have to repress it 12 more years unhappily married to a vanilla who rejects that part of him until his youngest kid is grown and the guilt factor of divorce won't be so high or risky for his kids to deal with. There really IS no "grey area" in this matter.

With D/s, you're either born with it, or you're not---just like people who are gay. So if a gay guy spends 26 years of his life trying to ignore and repress that true nature, lying to himself and everyone around him, having sex with men secretly but getting married to a hetero and having kids, thinking they should be "normal," sneaking around for 15 of those 26 years to have sex with men, knowing they're NOT...well, eventually that truth will out, whether he likes it or not, whether he wants it to or not, it'll come out and he'll have to deal with the consequences.

I believe this is what he has to face. With or without me around. I don't matter. It's his problem and he'll have to be the one to deal with it eventually. He will have to own up to his D/s exploits, and his true nature that encompasses it.

I personally believe that kids want their parents to be happy, and they need to be led by that example, even if they don't live together married. But too many people just stay miserable "for the sake of the kids," and I am living proof that a foolish cop-out reason like that only makes the kids grow up to think marriage sucks. Hence, my single status for the entire 39 years of my life.
Does he REALLY think he can keep this kind of dual life going for another 8-10 years without being caught? Doesn't he realize the odds of that being successful are nearly ZERO?

If he had only been cheating 2 or 3 years out of his 26 year marriage, I would say he's probably just more vanilla than anything and only had a "phase" of wanting a little kink on the side. But, it's been more than 15 years---and that's more than HALF the time he's been married---so that alone tells me---and should be glaringly obvious to him----that he cannot live without D/s even if he wanted to. And so, he should be true to himself and either get the little wifey on board to go there with him, (apparently he's tried but she is adament and refuses), or he has to break freak of the repression and life of fear that he's stuck in, to pursue it in freedom.

Trouble is, he's stuck in a comfort zone of paralysis, (been there done that), and all he sees are the negative things that MIGHT happen, the "devastation" (as he puts it), that he would cause his family by doing such a thing....(personally I think he's got an ego trip happening with that thought, nobody would friggin' DIE from it, or have a heart attack or a stroke...) so in my opinion, the word"devastation" is not exactly what I would expect to happen if he said, "Hey by the way I'm a Dom and I need BDSM in my life so unless you're willing to go there with me wifey poo, I'm going to pursue that on my own from now on."

He does NOT see the GOOD things that come with being true to yourself...he doesn't see the huge relief, the huge weight lifted off his shoulders, the freedom of being able to talk about it, to accept it, to allow others to attempt to understand it, the closer bond that it should create between the people he loves, the support and encouragement he should receive from his family whenever he's having a problem....he doesn't see any of that as a possibility. He only sees the "devastation" aspect of it, which keeps him locked in this prison.

Sure, she'd be emotionally hurt by it, no doubt. But ya know, as a comedian on Comedy Central said the other night, "Listen up girls, if you don't give your man the oral he needs, there are lots of raggedy ass bitches out there who will." Well, consider me a raggedy assed bitch then, because I most certainly WILL provide that for him, if he cannot get it from the one person who supposedly married him for "better or worse, richer or poorer, sickeness and health," and vowed to stand by him and support and encourage him until "death do they part." She's not living up to her end of the bargain if you ask me, and therefore, he has no choice but to go elsewhere. Men are just built that way, I don't know why, I don't necessarily LIKE that fact, but it remains a FACT and ya gotta just accept that.

The moment women learn that 99% of men cannot be, are not programmed to be, and have no interest in being MONOGAMOUS, is the one key element in women's rights that would open so many other doors...THAT is the missing piece, you see, the cause of the dysfunction going on between men and women. Women are taught all this Walt Disney bullshit of a prince on a white horse coming to "rescue" them, since a young age. It's brainwashing crap that doesn't happen. If I am ever blessed to have a little girl of my own someday, I'll never buy those stupid movies to poison her mind with. There's nothing wrong with envoking a little romantic notion in a little girl, but not to that extent, because it simply doesn't happen. Nor will she ever become a "princess," because that's just not realistic, and it only sets her up later to fail, trying to achieve it. The "princess" lie might even be worse on a little girl's psyche than the rescuing prince crap.

So if women just collectively somehow realized that men will never be monogamous, and we can never change them---they just are the way they are, lumps of clay that can only be molded in certain subtle ways, not completely turned into a masterpiece work of art---then perhaps we wouldn't have so much domestic unhappiness in the world, such a high rate of divorce, fighting and bickering, violence and abuse. We as females, have unrealistic expectations of men. That's the bottom line. It is US who has the ultimate control over changing that fact, but too many women don't even have a clue about it, so they continue on trying to turn him into a prince, instead of dealing with the reality of who he is, and how he is. I'm not saying you should SETTLE for some shit-talking-punk loser who treats ya like crap---hell no...but I am saying that if you do find a good one, you'd better recognize that he's not ALWAYS gonna be GOOD, y'know?
And you'd better hold on to him tight, and give him what he needs to avoid the pitfalls of what might happen if ya don't.

I always thought that when you marry somebody, (and hey, I'm naiive about such things, because I've never experienced it), you are promising to God and the whole world that you will accept the good the bad AND the ugly things about that person, 100%, and you make the best out of whatever life you can build together as a team.

My only mention of the Super Bowl is this: men DO know how to be on TEAMS, girls. They WANT to be on YOUR team. But at the same time, YOU have to be on THEIR team too. And that means, closing your eyes, wrapping your mouths around their willy's, and ENJOYING it. If you can't be on their team in the bedroom, there are other player women sitting on the bench ready to rush in and take over where you failed. It's as simple as that.

Used to be, those women on the sidelines were fewer than they are now. But the number of us has grown over the decades of domestic disturbances, and now we almost outnumber the ones who get to play first-string. So the odds are, you're gonna get replaced by one of us someday.

I told him that his wife is not my favorite human right now, most of the time I feel sorry for her and I wish I could explain these things to her, to help her understand, and to help her make him happy...so that they can both be happy...but with this latest roller coaster ride, my feelings have leaned more towards, "ya snooze ya lose honey, ya get what you give, and if you can't or won't do what he needs, I most certainly will." So to hell with her.

But then, something happened again to cause me emotional distress with this man of mine...he came over to see me....after we agreed we wouldn't see each other for awhile...he couldn't even go a WEEK without it...so this "temporary break for a month or more" turned into a matter of a few days. He cannot live without me, nor can I live without him. And I made the mistake of blubbering that sentiment to him while crying hysterically on his shoulder after we fucked. We are too hedonistic for our own good, we cannot live without this exploration of D/s together, and we both know it. Deep down he knows it, but he doesn't want to admit it to himself. He's been lying to himself and to everybody else in his life for so long, he doesn't know HOW to be true to himself anymore I think.

And so I downed a bottle of wine after he left.

And that was my week. Who knows what next week will bring.

---Sassy Girl