How did I get to be this @#$%! old?!

I saw a t-shirt yesterday that said that. Sums up exactly how I feel.

Today is my 40th birthday.

Anyway, I'm an idiot, Peter's coming over soon and like a friggin' LUNATIC, I am kicking into super-over-achieving mode again...the more I think about our argument yesterday the more I am convinced that, even though I foolishly THOUGHT I was finally pleasing a man---and lemme tell ya folks, to somebody like me who has major daddy issues of never being able to please a man, this was HUGE to me---I have realized that apparently I do NOT please Peter the way I thought I did. If I did, he would have no need to go off with this other chick again.

I really thought I had been pleasing him for two years. Guess not.

So I'm putting on my vinyl thigh-high platform boots, some lingerie, and greeting him at the door on my knees. Then I'm making him breakfast. Then I've created a spanking bench with a sawhorse and blanket tied around it so I can lean over with my legs spread wide, butt in the air, waiting for whatever he decides I need. I figured he would like that, being all upset and angry at me, this gives him plenty of room to beat me into oblivion if he so desires. And I almost welcome that. I've had it.

Anyway...so let's hope I get some bruises and a few nasty badass marks all over. I need some pain to remind myself I'm alive. I'm not sure WHY I'm even here, existing on this planet, but if I am, let me feel some searing red-hot pain.

Happy 40th Birthday to me.

---Sassy Girl