Going for it...

Ok, I've been having a bad day today. First Peter emails me to say he can't meet Pete on the two weekends I've told him about, which annoys me, because we've had this planned for quite some time. But that's the nature of being with a married man. His stupid family decides he's got to be doing other things and he has to cancel on me. You would think after 2.5 years of this kind of thing, I'd be used to it, but I'm not. It still annoys me. So I write back to say I'm disappointed, but he's not going to be allowed avoid it, if that's what he's trying to do---he'll just have to get on my web cam tomorrow night when he comes over to talk with Pete in person there, or he won't even get so much as a KISS from me.

He calls me while boarding the plane, and tells me he will come over tomorrow night, instead of Friday like we had planned, and that we can try the web cam, and that he'll try to see if he can get out of the family plans that have cancelled the meeting with Pete. Then Pete says he doesn't WANT to meet Peter if I am standing on his balls at the computer like that, forcing him to. GRRRRR. I'm going to clunk their heads together at some point, these damned men. Are they just talkin' the talk, givin' me lip service about how "progressive" they are, but then they can't seem to walk the walk, and actually go through with meeting each other, or what??

I just want them to meet in person, so I can feel a sense of closure with Peter. Don't they get it? I mean, I can't just flip a damned switch and say I don't love Peter anymore, just because Pete is in my face claiming he loves ME. I need closure. Otherwise I'm going to continue missing Peter, and I'll miss being naked with Peter, and I'm still going to love Peter and think about Peter and pine away for Peter and chat with Peter and email Peter and call Peter on the phone...so how the hell can I ever move to Pittsburgh if I'm all conflicted like that?

So I feel upset and annoyed about this postponement of meeting Pete, it's totally interrupted my "chi," and I have been spinning about it all day.

Then I chatted with Pete, and he says that he's so glad we're compatible in the bedroom; my radar kicked into gear, "is that all he WANTS from me? Like every other guy in the universe, is that all I am good for?" but despite this feeling of, "ok I guess I'm just a new sex toy," I agreed with that statement, because, overall, we do seem to be very compatible....but then like an idiot, instead of just leaving it at that, I then mentioned something that I noticed about our compatibility, just as an observation--not a complaint---about something I am used to in the bedroom, but isn't exactly there. I was sort of hinting at one thing, but I screwed it up somehow, and hurt Pete's feelings, and caused a huge ruckus with my Dom buddy Terry when I told him about it later. I pretty much got instantly forgiven by Pete, but mercilessly beat up by Terry about it, with the bottom line telling me that the issue is not that I'm afraid of all this love stuff, but that I'm not believing that I am LOVEABLE and so I'm pushing Pete away and trying to kill it before it starts.

Good lord.

Then Pete starts pushing for me to move to Pittsburgh again, in November. Hence, my previous blog about being realistic.

But now, after all this craziness, I've decided to just say "to hell with it," and go for it, despite being scared to death, despite risking being homeless if he walks out on me in a month after I move there, despite feeling like running to Peter for protection from this crazy scarey love struck man who wants to take me away from him...

So I am creating a spreadsheet---one of my stupid admin. hobbies---and making plans. I'm outta here. I hate DC anyway. Nothing to keep me here. Peter can have his stupid vanilla hag-of-a-wife, and clingy-bratty-stupid kids, and his stupid stressful job. I'm apparently not worthy enough for HIM to love me more than all that, am I. So is it any wonder then, why I feel like I'm not worthy enough for Pete to love me either?

But he says he does. And I really think he means it. I may be making the biggest stupidest mistake of my entire life, but what the hell point is there in staying here, nearly 5 hours away, miserable and lonely and just stressed out all the time with a married doofus who rejects me constantly and changes plans on me, and rearranges everything all the time...I can't keep living like this. I'm not happy.
I'll just quit my job here tomorrow, spend the weekend packing, and be on my way.

I don't care if I would have been hired in permanently in a couple months or not, I don't care if I'm forfeiting my impending benefits, this temp agency shit sucks, I don't care if I even replace myself with a new roommate or not, it's not my house and I've paid my dues in doing favors for David enough. It's HIS problem, it's HIS house, and dammit, I'm not going to put my life on hold for him---or for any other idiot married guy that I've loved for 2.5 years wasting my time with, only to be dissed and rejected over and over again. I'm fed up with this place and everybody in it. I want to leave here.

Mostly though, I want to be happy. And for a pessimistic, stupid subbie girl like me to say such a thing, blows even my own mind.

Fuck this stupid dysfunctional place called DC, I'm outta here. I'm packing. Job or no job, place to live or no place to live, I'm just gonna throw caution to the wind and get the hell out of here once and for all and move on with life.

(unless I talk myself out of it again in a few hours). Somebody shoot me.

---Sassy Girl