Interesting parallels

In a blog entry that I wrote earlier today, I mentioned how it was an interesting parallel that my Ghana pen-pal, Ben (more like my African adopted/sponsored son, really), is here visiting in the US for the first time this summer, and how we are both going through a kind of "culture shock."

The more I think about this, the more I am intrigued.

In fact, not only am I going through a culture shock with this new Dom/sub relationship with Pete, but he's also going through it with ME, because I'm not VANILLA like the other women he's been with. He has to un-learn things that he was taught by those other women, just like I have to un-learn some things that I've been conditioned by, both with Peter and other guys in my life.

It's more of a transitional un-learning experience, for all of us really. Ben has to un-learn habits and ways of thinking in order to get along here for three months in the US, he has to re-learn how to deal with American people because he's not had much experience in dealing with Americans before. he's noticing that many women have tattoes, and how WEIRD is that...he's noticing that American women are rather obese, compared to the women he's known in Africa...and have much bigger boobs too---he's learning so much at such a rapid pace, it's overwhelming to him.

I've never met a guy like Pete before, either...which is why I often feel overwhelmed by this whole thing....and Peter has never encountered this situation between a submissive of his, and some other Dom before either. It's all changing and growing between us all, every moment of every day that we are going through this metamorphosis, and so the best thing I can suggest we all do is to take a step back, appreciate the similiarities of our situations, and recognize the differences of our previous experience and our mind-sets that may not be accurate anymore in these new paths that we are taking. We are paving new ground in different ways, all of us.

So we're all going through a similar adjustment experience. An example of this, is that Ben doesn't like American food, it's "too fatty, or fried, and tastes bland." Well, I don't like being forced out of my safety zone into a whirlwind relationship with Pete either, NOR do I like breaking the routine and closeness with Peter that I have grown used to and depend on so much....but all of us are giving this new stuff a try, and we are supportive of each other in that endeavor.

Because of Ben's dislike of American food, I tasted African food for the first time while he was visiting me in DC, and I absolutely loved it. I would have never gone to that restaurant if he hadn't been in my life. I didn't even know it existed before he came to visit me.

With Pete, I've ventured closer to him than I ever thought or expected that I would, and so far, overall, I am loving that too. It's uncomfortable to me, it's unsettling, it's so huge and overwhelming...but I would have never ventured to Pittsburgh by myself, to see the sites and learn about the area, if Pete wasn't in my life, why would I? No reason to drive 4.5 hours just for a weekend alone in a strange place that I don't know my way around in, are you kidding?

So, I am learning through these parallels, that sometimes breaking free of the norm is a good thing. In small doses, of course, not too much all at once, or I predict that both Ben and I would run right back to our safety zones. And Pete would run back to his vanilla women, and Peter would run back to bang his head against the brick wall of his vanilla wife for another 26 years. Where's the GROWTH in that though? Isn't that what change is all about, growing, and learning and unlearning things that we've made into habits?

For Pete, he's breaking out of HIS norm too, by rejecting the other vanilla chicks he had before I came along, even despite having good sex with most of them, even despite the friendships he had formed with them---and now he's learning about a whole different KIND of chick (me, a real submissive) that he's never encountered before. He's trying out a new "dish," let's say, just like Ben and I did. Of course, I'm a weirdo and a half most of the time, so he's got his work cut out for him. Trust me on that.

Now I've stumbled onto another parallel, that is even more intriguing than that one.

It's the parallel of RACE in our world, and the power struggle that goes with it, and how that is similar to the Dominance and submission in BDSM.

Ben is African, so he is not like a white guy in any way, shape or form, and never will be. His culture is different from mine and always will be. I do try to understand him on a different level too, because I understand that his culture and society are very much different than mine, his upbringing, his environment, his education---everything---and so he brings a whole new dimension---a much deeper sense and level of responsibility, seriousness, determination, ambition, and purity of heart and soul to the table than most white 20-something guys I've ever known.

I mean, think about it, you probably know a white American 20-something yourself, and depending on how he/she was educated, raised, and based upon their environment, I would venture to guess he/she does not have many grandiose ideas of changing our country's political policies, or of bringing his/her parents to another state that can provide more luxuries so he/she can take care of them when they grow old, like Ben does. Am I right? The ones we know here in America are probably too busy with either getting married right out of college, maybe even having kids, or playing video games, reading the latest comic books, or going to see the newest Jack Black or Mike Myers movie. Changing the world really isn't high on American 20-something's lists of things to do anymore, like it used to in the 1960's.

American white kids seem to have a (dangerous) "sense of entitlement," moreso than African 20-something's do; they may or may not even realize that they have more "power" in our society, when you think about all the marketing ploys out there that want the almighty dollar from them; how many companies spend millions of dollars to gain the almighty CIDI from an African kid? My guess is: none. The cidi isn't worth much so why bother. American 20-something's are much more cynical, sarcastic, rude, and obnoxious than African 20-something's...(I'd even venture forth into generalizing), probably moreso any OTHER 20-something's living in any OTHER country than the US.

The difference is staggering really, when you think about it. Ben has never known people like this, he's never been exposed to American 20-something's, and does not share in the same mind-set that they have.

Complacency, entitlement, and assumed power are not in Ben's, or in African culture's vocabulary.

He is the most motivated, inspired and ambitious young man I think I have ever known in my whole life. He won't work at a place that serves alcohol; how many 20-something's would reject a job because of that?! He feels it would "poison his soul" just to be around it. Weird, huh? He's 23 and could actually DRINK if he wanted to, like most 20-something's do...but he refuses. He does not have any interest in it. I find that to be amazing. In his world, though, he would be frowned upon by his peers if he did. Here, sex drugs and rock and roll are a way of life, especially in a college town. Right? White American 20-something's will smoke, drink, do drugs, party and be stupid just because their peers expect it, encourage it, and frown upon you if you DON'T.

Two different worlds maybe, but similar experiences and lessons to learn.

Here's the other intriguing parallel about race that I have noticed:

My Dom buddy Terry, is in love with a black submissive woman. She will never be a white chick, and therefore, he should not make the same assumptions about her that he has done in the past with other white chicks. Makes perfect sense to me, however, he is not quite getting the whole cultural difference that exists. He's been banging his head on a brick wall about why the heck she is so adamant about wanting to meet his kids, when in HIS mind, a white guy's head, he assumes she just wants to "play house." WRONG!! So totally wrong. Family is everything in the African American culture, EVERYTHING---they don't take it for granted like we white folks do.

African Americans don't have much "complacency," "entitlement" and "assumed power" in their vocabularies either.

In fact, Pete and I joked that we would have to arrange a once-a-month "complacency day" just to remind ourselves that it should be a RARE OCCASION, rather than fall into that rut of every day, like many married couples (and stupid white people) do.

Terry's submissive has a neice visiting her this week, and so she naturally would be focused on spending time with HER moreso than including Terry---because she is FAMILY and he's not. BUT, I pointed out to him, during one of his pouting sessions, that she also called him, to talk with him while she was with her neice---which says a WHOLE LOT. He did not view that as a victory, but it really is one. A huge one.

She included him in her time with her family--though not in person yet---but she still included him, and he just saw it as "one lousy phone call." Now he sees differently just how huge that really was for her to do. Not only does she have the same needs for a Dom that I do, (that's pretty much universal in my opinion), but it's magnified on her side of things, because of her culture. He needs to learn more about her culture, before he can pave the way for a relationship to develop and bloom. She needs him to do some homework. She needs him to introduce her to his kids, because family is EVERYTHING, and if he can't or won't go there, she cannot or will not follow.

DISCLAIMER: The following comments are my own GENERALIZATIONS---not stereotypes---but in my experience I've learned that many black women are taught as children to be tough, to be strong, to fight your way through the problems that they will face in society and in life---because they cannot just turn OFF racism, like white people can---we can choose to think about it if we want to, or not---like flipping a switch. African Americans are never able to turn it off. Never. They live it, feel it, breathe it, and experience it 24/7. Black women are in some cases (generally) taught that most men can't be trusted, they gotta stand on their own to get anywhere in this world, don't depend on a man for anything---I mean, hey, white women get this same kind of stuff too, don't get me wrong, but it's magnified in the culture of African Americans.

I was an overachiever, a goody-goody always trying to get straight A's and please everybody around me. I'm a silly white chick from a small town in Michigan. My own parents taught me that marriage is all about fighting about money, arguing about every little stupid thing, and spending as much time apart as possible. I learned through this experience that "daddy is not pleased nor does he please mommy," "daddy is not trustworthy," "daddy cannot be depended on," "daddy won't be there when I need him," "daddy doesn't provide my needs as a daughter," and "daddy won't help me when I really need him to."

Therefore, like a black female who grows up without a father figure, I had to learn to be self-sufficient at a very early age, I had to learn to stand on my own two feet and "NOT NEED HIM," and so I rejected him later on during my parent's divorce, and haven't spoken to him since I was 22 years old. Many kids in the African American culture here in the US, don't have daddy figures either. I was lucky to have my grandpa until I was 12...but he wasn't there for me during the really tough times later on either. Sure, maybe they have an uncle to step up and be that for them, or some other family member or friend of the family who can do that, but my assumption is, that is very rare in ANY culture.

I explained to Terry that even though our skin pigmentation is different, she and I have had similar experiences leading us both to submissiveness; but in her world, it's magnified, the need she feels for a daddy figure is magnified even more than mine, the tougher exterior that she has learned to present to the world is magnified much more than mine too, because society demands it of us as women, but also her culture demands it to survive the hardships that are more difficult and cruel and unfair than my life has been.

She will have to make the mental adjustment eventually to face things like, "will this white dude please my family or will they reject him, and how will I deal with that if it happens," and "will I be able to ignore all the "white master/slave" power exchange aspects of this Dominant/submissive relationship, or will that bother me too much," things like that that I, as a white chick involved with a white guy, don't even have to think about one bit.

These are very important and very real issues in her world, and he has to take the time to learn about them and understand them, before just assuming she's like every other chick he's ever known before.

Pete has to un-learn and re-think some things about me, too, based on his past experience with vanilla chicks. The vanilla women he spent the past year with only seemed to bring fear, emotional hang-up's, baggage, and sexual repression to the table, obstacles that even the most experienced of Dom's can NEVER overcome---because being submissive is something you're either born with, or you're not...it has to come from within themselves in order to take the leap of faith into a Dom/sub relationship, if they truly have it in them. Kinky sex games in a bedroom is NOT the same thing as a Dom/sub relationship.

Both Pete and Peter are guilty of trying to "convert" the vanilla women in their lives.

Peter still believes if he chisels away at his wife, she'll eventually come around. But it's been 26 years, and that has not happened. It never will. He still clings to this belief, though, and keeps banging his head on this brick wall with her, and there's nothing I can do to shake that out of his warped mind. I wish I could make him see that he'll never achieve that goal with her, and should therefore just move on to get his own needs met elsewhere. But I've been trying to explain that to him for 2.5 years so far, to no avail.

And now, the irony of this is, I have the opportunity to move on and get my own needs met with Pete, rather than beating MY head against a brick wall with Peter. My fear is, though, that Pete (having only known vanilla kinky-sex-games-in-a-bedroom), may NOT be able to fully meet my needs as a Dom. That remains to be seen. But so far, he is stepping up to make it happen, which is more than I can say for Peter or any other guy I have hoped for as a Dom.

The parallels of all these people in my life right now are rather amazing to me.

No matter what color our skin might be, we all really do have the same kinds of experiences, to differing degrees perhaps, and also in different ways, in our separate worlds---but yet despite all this, we SHOULD manage somehow to coexist and try to understand each other whenever possible. There are different needs and expectations to learn from each other---a challenge at a better understanding, an OPPORTUNITY, really, to bridge that gap that exists in our society, with racism and other cultures that surround us.

Terry has that opportunity now, to do his HOMEWORK, and to learn about interracial relationships, because they are NOT easy---and he can now take the time to read about African American heroes in the past that have paved the way for him to even BE with a black woman in our world today---without them, he would never have this chance. I told him he's got homework to do, to learn and UN-learn stuff about himself mostly, but also to learn about her world and her family and her expectations.

I stood inside the house of Frederick Douglass with Ben, and proclaimed that I am very proud of my African son, giving him a big bear hug---and I realized that doing that one simple thing would not even be possible without the work and dedication, determination and purity of soul that Frederick Douglass had, so in my opinion, that was the best place in the WORLD for me to say and do such a thing, don't you agree? I would like to think the spirit of Frederick Douglass smiled down at us that day.

During our discussiona about these parallels between racism issues and vanilla and D/s stuff, Terry had an epiphany: he told me of a funny episode of SCRUBS, which is a t.v. show he and she both love (I do too actually), where the white main character asks his best friend who is black, what the main difference between white chicks and black chicks were. His friend said, "If a black chick asks you if her pants make her ass look big, you HOLLER REAL LOUD, "HELL YEAH!"

But of course, you risk certain DEATH if you say that to a white chick who asks the same question, right?!

I thought that was a perfect way for him to understand the big difference in women he's now learning, and he should remind himself of that whenever he finds himself slipping into "white chick" mode. His submissive, that he really does love very much, is not ever going to be what he has assumed all women would be.

And Pete is never going to be what I have assumed all MEN would be; and Peter has paved the way for me to learn and un-learn my own expectations and warped view of men and love and relationships...he's helped me to grow and re-think things, and see differing perspectives. I only wish he could also learn to do that in his own situation with his vanilla wife. I've tried to help him in that direction, but I am no competition for a 26 year marriage and 3 kids. That bond is much stronger than any bond he and I have shared, and always will be.

So, Ben is learning, and growing and seeing new perspectives, just like Pete, Peter and I are, and just like Terry and his interracial relationship with his submissive are...

Amazing how life works sometimes. My brain hurts now.

Love, Sassy Girl