What a bad night

Ok so I thought I was having a pretty good afternoon and evening yesterday but it didn't turn out to be so good after all, and then the night was even worse, and today I've been draggin' ass because I got less than 2 hours of sleep the whole damned night...I am actually on my way to bed now, but I wanted to write a quickie before I go cop a snooze.

I'm reading a new book that we picked up at a church bazaar sale this past weekend, (Pete went back in 3 times, I was ready to leave in like, 20 minutes)...kinda happens the opposite most of the time, but he was a crazed man, filling bags with Xmas junk for $1 each...unbelievable. Anyway, so we get this book and it's entitled "The Highly Sensitive Person." It was written in 1996 so I kinda wish I had read it earlier than now, but oh well, when the student is ready the teacher will come, or some such nonsense.

So this book is very much pegging me more than any other self-help book I've ever read, and believe me, I've got about 20 of 'em on my shelves from my days of working in a psychologist's office during college. All of those books did help me think more about ME and where I've come from and how I've ended up being the way I am, etc., but none of them really pushed me further into deciding how to cope with some of the things I learned, like the fact that I'm an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, ya know? They define it, describe it very well, so yes, I'm definitely an ACA, but okay, THEN WHAT? How do you deal with that really? None of the books I read about that subject went on to give any advice about it so I have no clue what the hell I can do.

This book, however, is also subtitled, "How to cope in an overwhelming world." And, folks, let me just say right here and now, I sincerely feel like this book is a brilliant and informative, insightful and interesting read because it DOES give advice about how to cope with things, and how to explain my "weirdness" to others, and how to psyche myself out of a spazzy moment, etc....so this I am finding most helpful so far.

Pete and I had an argument last night, and of all the awful cliche things to fight about, we had to fight about money. I went Xmas shopping without him and felt good that I have mostly finished buying for everybody, (I never go to malls or anywhere for Xmas shopping after Thanksgiving, I loathe the traffic, the parking fiasco, the nasty people, germs everywhere, the headaches and crappy muzak Xmas songs everywhere...so I got Pete's kids each a gift card, and I'll bake them all some cookies too, which he said was more than enough for them because they don't expect to receive anything from me at all. I thought he would be glad that I finished all the stuff I needed to buy, and could now just sit back and relax for the next month without spending a dime. But noooo he was more miffed because I didn't pay a bill like I said I would this week, but hey, I'm getting a paycheck every week so I figured they could wait another few days. He clammed up on me, didn't speak to me, and just ignored me when we got home. He sat in front of his computer, didn't want me to cook him any dinner, and didn't say anything, so I figured he didn't want me around. So, I left, and went downstairs to my own apartment, to be alone.

When I got tired and went to bed earlier than usual, he got upset with me about THAT too, because of course he wanted nooky. But I'm sorry, if you're going to pout like an idiot and diss me like that, you really think I'm gonna open my cootch an hour later? I think not my friend. Ain't-a-gonna-happen. So then we get in side by side to go to sleep, and my stupid damned DOG decides she's terrified because the stupid damned fire alarm battery is dying, and beeping at intermittent intervals. To a dog, it's a strange scary sound from somewhere wayyyy up above, bigger than they are, and oh my God, it's beeping so loud and it might as well have been thunder and lightening the way she was carrying on. I thought at first she just had to go outside to pee or something, but after the 3rd time, I finally clued in on the beeping noise. She was petrified, whimpering, whining, panting, shaking unconrollably....it was pathetic....she has only done that a couple times, when she was a puppy, but it's been years since I've seen her like that. So of course, I get up to rip the damned stupid fire alarm off the wall only to find it's electrically hooked in somehow, so I had to wake up Pete to get the stupid damned thing OFF, and when we finally did, the next thing I know, the stupid damned fire alarm in the main foyer was doing the same frickin' THING!!

So of course the ladder we've got is broken, and of course, Pete claims he didn't hear me when I asked him to rip that damned thing off the ceiling on his way upstairs to sleep alone---he was just as annoyed and disgusted by the whole farce as i was---so I had to crawl up to the ceiling on a broken ladder at 2:30 a.m. to get the damned thing off, and THEN it still took her over an hour to calm down. By that time, I had moved out to my couch, thinking I'd sleep better there, but noooo the noises of the upstairs and Pete's son walking around were just too annoying, so then Pete got peeved that I moved out to the couch, (he hogs the bed, and it was too warm in my room anyway, and his sleep apnea machine is noisy sometimes, I can't sleep if it's noisy), so he left again and I was like, 'SONOFABITCH" when I saw it was 4:30 a.m. somehow....so then my dog is finally calmed down to the point of sheer exhaustion, and we go back to my bedroom to sleep again, and so I re-set my alarm to get up at 6:30 but before 6 a.m., Pete came in to snuggle next to me, and since he didn't have his machine on, he started to snore really loud, laying across my arm which was tingly and falling asleep, and I was like, "OH MY FUCKING GOD!!" (I tend to get rather crabby when I have no sleep). I woke up today with a killer headache, a slight toothache, zombie like hangover from no sleep, and hating the universe and everybody in it. So then he gets peeved AGAIN that I don't want to SNUGGLE with him in the morning, and I'm like, "YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME." I was ready to claw his damned eyeballs out of his head.

So today at work I was a lethargic mess, unable to concentrate on anything except the super long email I wrote to Pete, telling him how upset I felt about everything, etc., and I told him if I have to pack it all up and move back to DC, I can do that, so if things keep going like this with him and me, I'm outta here.

Lovely way to start a Monday, huh? We now have empty fire alarms all over the house, no batteries to replace them with, and frankly I don't give a rat's ass because I've got renters insurance. My shit is worth more burned to a pulp than it is now.

So tomorrow night he's got us going to the gym, then he'll have rehearsal on Wed. night, so I can be alone and just read or write on the blog or whatever, then Thursday we'll go again to the gym, (we're doing that 3 times a week now), and then Friday is his divorce party...(yes, his 2nd divorce just came final this week)...ahem....don't get me started on THAT subject either. Then Saturday we're planning to go to the dungeon and he'll probably beat me until I have nasty bruises and marks all over me, and frankly I hope he does. I would like to end the week all bruised and bloody in a corner, because then I'll feel more ALIVE than I have been all day today.

I had a nice chat with my dog today, telling her if she wants to go out and sleep in the SNOW tonight, just pull another fucked up evening like last night, and I'll be more than happy to arrange that for her.

I'm off to bed now, and I'm glad our first argument is over. I don't know if we've resolved anything, but I'm too tired to care.

Are all relationships this screwed up I wonder? I'm highly sensitive ya know, and that explains a whole lot about me, because I need alone time, quiet time, no noise, just peacefulness, a water fountain, some scented candles, stuff like that...I cannot deal with going to a crowded, noisy movie theater, for instance, to watch the new James Bond film (which we did Friday night), because my GOD that was violent, and made my blood pressure go thru the friggin' ROOF the whole time, and ya know, what the hell happened to Bond, the guy just isn't having any FUN anymore, ya know? He's an angry grouchy mean-spirited jerk now, and I don't really like him all that much. I liked the OLD Bond, thankyouverymuch, the kind who was a womanizing badass, smirking and sarcastic, the guy you hate to love...THAT is the Bond I enjoyed watching. So I was a nervous damned wreck after that movie, NOT exactly one I would recommend to other highly sensitive people. But of course, Pete loved it.....see, he's ADD, and I am the exact opposite of that. Yeahhhh, do you see a problem brewing here?? Or is it just me??

I hope to God we can figure out a way to meet somewhere in the middle. But for now, I'm gonna go crash on my tempur pedic pillow like an old lady, and get some much needed zzz's.

----Love, Sassy Girl