One year ago today....

.....I was packing my car, getting ready for CAMPITY CAMP CAMP. I was protesting, in vain, to Peter, telling him I didn't want to go, and that I would trick him by turning around after driving off around the block, and just go back home. I didn't want to deal with going to a strange place, full of strange kinky people, all alone, sharing a large cabin with people I don't know, and spending 5 days there without him to talk to.

One year ago this weekend, I met Pete. And, Peter wanted that sort of thing to happen, so he forced me to go to camp. He pushed me away, so that he wouldn't have to deal with me anymore, because he was getting too deeply involved with me, and vice versa. He wanted me to find someone else so that he could bow out of my life and move on with someone else.

Pete and I are not going to camp this year. He decided to cancel our reservation during our last fight, without telling me. He said he didn't want to spend the money for it, when all I would be the whole time is upset, and miserable, thinking about Peter while I'm there. He didn't seem to realize that it doesn't matter WHERE I am, I think about Peter on a regular basis, even now.

But okay, so we're not going to camp. We rarely go to the dungeon anymore either, and the whole idea of the other BDSM event, Floating World, is pretty much nixed because now we have his mom living with us, and we can't go away for a week at a time like we used to. It's actually a good thing we aren't going to camp this weekend, because my period just started, I'd be an emotional bloated mess feeling lousy the whole time anyway.

He bought me a sybian for my birthday, which I have yet to get out of the box and use. Weird, huh? I thought all these years that "if I only had a sybian, I wouldn't need a man," and I'd be "the happiest woman on earth." But, now I have one, and I haven't even bothered to ride it once. I guess the oomph of my submissive BDSM self is slowly dying. I can't even wear nipple clamps anymore, they hurt too much. I am out of shape, I haven't been in really good predicament bondage in EONS, so I can't hold the poses for very long or I get all tingly and numb in my muscles...I can't even hold a good hog tie anymore, like I once did. I just don't seem to have it in me anymore, and I mourn that part of me every day.

Well, I will survive I guess. I've pretty much had to readjust everything in my life since moving to Pittsburgh, and so this is just another thing on the list I've had to get used to. Other than an occasional spanking and once in awhile with the hitachi wand, Pete and I really don't do much along those lines anymore. We're just too tired out, there's other things going on that take priority, we're so busy all the time, etc. etc. etc.

I guess that's just the way life goes. The doctor told me today that with his mom moving in, it's like I've had a new baby recently, so I am feeling what many pregnant women feel, that I'm losing myself. If she only knew about THAT part of me, and yes, I've lost it. And yes, it makes me sad sometimes.

Bye for now.

---Sassy Girl