Didja miss me?

Yes, I know it's been a full year since I wrote on this blog last...didja miss me?

I have missed you. A lot. More than I should, probably. In fact, I dreamed about you this morning, and woke up crying. Over the past few years since I left DC and your guidance, Peter, I have had many dreams of you, and many bouts of crying. I think what may have brought it on this time was a couple of things.

First, Pete took me to a BDSM party at a local hotel last weekend, (our local dungeon closed down last year so it has been a long while since we've done anything like that). As a matter of fact, the Crucible in DC is moving, due to the stadium and the bar next door. Too much traffic. So everything is kind of discombobulated in the D/s world right now, and we haven't been to any events in quite some time.

The overnight party at the hotel was really great. We saw some familiar faces, met up with some old friends, (the previous dungeon owners), and enjoyed one piece of equipment. This is what seems strange to me, whenever we go to one of these things, (not very often), we have ONE scene and that's it. Then Pete is off to play with others and I sit around doing nothing.

So this one piece of equipment seemed interesting, we'd never played on it before, so we started a scene there. Pete somehow--and I don't know if you've been coaching him or what--figured out that I enjoy denial. He's never ONCE tried it with me, in the whole time I've known him, until that night last weekend. I haven't told him that I enjoy that either, so I have no idea how he figured that out. Maybe it was just a fluke and he was testing me to see if I'd like it. I don't know. He found out, however, that it made me go WILD...

And that is the FIRST time since I left DC (and you) that I have actually felt that way. He's still amazed that I can orgasm on command...though he rarely ever commands me to. He was even more amazed when I did what he told me, and held it in during our scene. I figured I would lose that ability over time, since it wasn't being utilized, and I didn't mention it to him either. I told him when we first met that there are a lot of things about me that he would have to learn on his own, I would not help him figure me out. He accepted that challenge, so this was one of those things he hadn't approached or tried with me until last weekend.

Lots of emotions flooded me after that, and have been all week long. I haven't told anyone about it, but I've been thinking about you and the great memories we had, nearly every day this week.

I also think that, perhaps I dreamed of you because yesterday was Holocaust Remembrance Day and typically I would have worked in the Capitol Building during the ceremony, when I was still at the Museum. Those memories flooded back at me, all day long, but I didn't mention them to anyone. I just keep that sort of thing to myself, since no one really understands it anyway. In fact, I keep a whole lot of things to myself even now, because nobody understands me.

One other reason, I think, that I dreamed about you is because one of my new year's resolutions is (as always) to lose weight. This time, however, I mean it. I've joined Weight Watchers, I'm also doing some Atkins, and I'm fooling myself to actually stick to it, by telling myself that it's my MEDICINE, (and yes, my doctor gave me a prescription to join Weight Watchers, so it's based on that). But one other thought in the back of my mind was, "the last time I went on a diet was when I walked around the parking lot in VA all the time, sometimes with Peter, and he encouraged me and gave me permission to lose weight." I think that's partially why it worked at that point, because I had you to give me permission---

Let me explain. When a person goes through a traumatic experience, as I did on 9/11, the defense mechanism is to protect your heart from being hurt. Some people do that by eating a lot, and putting on extra padding around it. That's what I did. To lose that weight, however, is scary. See, when you're fat, you get looked over, not looked AT. You get passed by. You fade into the woodwork, nobody notices you, nobody cares about you, and it's SAFER that way. But, if I start losing that safety padding around my heart, suddenly I'm more noticeable, more vulnerable, and wide open for the next person to come along and hurt me. That makes losing weight scary for me.

But, after thinking about the last time, walking around that parking lot, and having you there to help me stick to it, I believe all of these reasons led me to dream about you last night. In the dream, you and I met with a few other people at the local dungeon. It was unexpected to see you there, Pete was not with me, and you were with someone else. When I walked past you without seeing you sitting there at a table, I heard your voice say, "Hello Rebecca." It stopped me dead in my tracks, and I my heart skipped a beat. I turned around to see you sitting there, smiling at me, with a blonde woman at the table and some other person. I was shocked to see you again, it had been so long. At first I just stood there, staring, silent.

Then I walked over to you, with the thought of slapping you across the face, telling you off, ripping your face off, all in anger at the way you ended our relationship. But, much to my surprise, when I got closer to you, that's when you stood up, opened up your arms wide, and hugged me close. You whispered, "I have missed you so much. I still love you. God you're beautiful." And I hugged you so tight, all those emotions just flooded me all over again...

That's when I woke up crying.

So my day has begun with thoughts of you, and I figured you probably do not read this blog anymore, but just in case you ever do, I wanted you to know that I forgive you for everything that you've done and said, for all the upset you caused me, for all the hurt I felt, for all the anger I expressed, etc., and I hope you will eventually forgive me also.

The last time I tried to contact you, I did it as discreetly as I possibly could--my intentions were NOT to upset you, they were NOT to cause your son any discomfort or upset either--in all honesty, I simply wanted to tell you that I understand you much better now that I'm married and cannot participate as often in BDSM stuff, and how hard it is to live without it most of the time, and how guilty I feel when I think about you while lying next to Pete.

So I thought, "if I am careful, I can just tell Peter's son that I used to work with you in DC and lost touch," so I found him on Facebook, and sent him a message, asking for your email address. He didn't ask any questions, he just sent it to me almost immediately. I was stunned. I did not expect him to do that, without first talking with you...and then I figured he wouldn't tell me what it was because you would have told him not to. But, he did, and I sat there for over an hour, pouring out my guts to you, hoping that I could once again confide in you, wanting so much to just put our misunderstanding and disagreements behind us, to be friends again.

Your response was one that I never expected. It was a shock to me, actually, that you would threaten me with getting a restraining order--I haven't done anything to deserve that. You wrote that "I am sick," and that I should never again contact any member of your family. The fear in your words stung me just as much as if you had slapped me across the face. Why would you ever be afraid of me? Haven't I proven over the past 3.5 years since I've been gone from your life, that I would never do that? Even though we had some angry words back then, and yes, even though I was so angry and upset that I did want to cause you some hurt right back---I still never did. I would never EVER do that to you, Peter, I made that promise to you long ago, when we first started seeing each other, and I meant it.

I have no interest, no intention, and no need to hurt you for any reason, or anyone in your family. Relationships are fragile and life is too short as it is, without creating more drama and bullshit that just is not necessary. Your family is sacred to me, they always have been, and always will remain that way. I wish you, and them, no harm, no malice, no ill will of any kind. If I had WANTED to be the "Fatal Attraction" type of person you somehow think of me as being, I would have long ago sent a huge box of all our emails and chats that I printed out every time and put into binders, and mailed it to your wife for Christmas, or Mothers' Day, or whatever.

But I would never do that.

I won't ever get rid of them, though. They remain in binders, in boxes, just like my diaries. They, and you, are a huge part of my life in DC, and I am not going to throw that away. You meant everything to me, I loved you, and part of me still feels some of those feelings even now. I know that I'll never hear from you, I'll never see you again, and I'll never contact you again either. So rest assured, the only way I would ever approach you is through this blog by writing. You may never read it. I don't care really, it just helps ME to get these things out by writing, so that's what I'll do whenever I need to.

I haven't needed to in over a year, because at this point last year I was busy planning my wedding to Pete. I did everything myself, and it kept me very busy and distracted for the whole year previous. Now, Pete and I have both our mom's living with us, his mom is 89 and I stay home every day to take care of her. My mom is trained in home care, so she helps me with her too. We know his mom will not live much longer, so we're trying to get her things in order now, selling her home, putting her car in my name, etc., to make the final passing an easier process. She's got Alzheimers and bipolar, so every day is a brand new adventure. It stresses me out horribly. There are days when I want to take Sassy, get into the car, and just leave. But I don't.

Anyway, I will go for now. I don't know when, or even if, I will ever write on this blog again to you, but after that dream, I wanted you to know that the hug you gave me means everything to me, and it was almost like you gave me permission again to lose this padding around my heart.

Thank you for that.

Peter, please know that I wish you nothing but happiness, love, and success. You're a good man, you're a troubled man whose needs are not being met fully by family and friends, and so you do the only thing you can do. I never really understood you as much when we were together, as I do now. We're kinda in the same boat, so I feel your pain. I really do.

Love, Rebecca