Rethinking

I am a firm believer that any adversity that comes only makes you stronger. For certain people to give me more power by attacking me or trying to cause me grief in some way, only makes me realize that I will always have more power over them than they will ever have over me.

And so I am rethinking a lot of things right now. I have had a rather eye-opening experience recently, which resulted in the deletion of my blog. My words are meant for me, but I know others have access to them and I have no control over that. But I never wanted to cause anybody any problems or get anyone into any trouble by what I write here or anywhere else.

I've been brutally honest about everybody and everything in my life in this blog since the day I started writing it---and the style of writing that I chose matched the whole Sassy Girl theme. I've never read many women authors who write like that, unless you consider Allannis Morrisette's musical lyrics, or Fiona Apple. So I thought it might be empowering for me to kick into high gear and kick some major butt by way of writing the frustrations and the upsets and annoyances of my daily life, in a rather acidic and angry way. It became rather addictive.

As I have stated before, nothing I have written here is anything I wouldn't say to that person, to their face. I don't hide behind a computer screen and never voice the same things to the person I'm upset with---on the contrary, usually I have the conversation FIRST with that person and THEN come here to spew. I just find it much easier to write it, than to confront without thinking, especially when the main motivation is simply to vent. Once I vent about things, I'm better able to calmly discuss the issue at hand with whomever it is. It's just the weirdness about me, that's just how I am.

Too many people spend their whole lives being RE-active, they don't think things through before they have a temper tantrum and cause even bigger problems for themselves and others. That's why I come here, to vent and get all my reactionary crap out of my system, so that I can be PRO-active, and think things through before discussing them. It usually works just fine. Not always, but usually.

A friend of mine has recently told me that I come across as a hateful and mean person.

I've also been advised by many others close to me to stop writing on a blog about personal things, and to change the names of people involved if I feel I must mention them. I deleted this blog because I felt as though the whole world has been against me for writing how I feel, for simply expressing myself---the good the bad and the ugly---because I am only just another flawed human being like everybody else. I should be allowed to express every emotion within myself, whether it's good bad or ugly, anytime I need to. But perhaps this blog is not the proper place to do those things.

My name and my face do not appear on this blog, so I felt as though I was anonymous and I had more freedom to write anything I wanted to. I did not count on the possibility of someone actually figuring out my identity and bringing it to the attention of others in order to try and hurt me and someone else with it.

But that's what happened recently.

And so I am rethinking.

I wish I didn't have the need to write. I wish I didn't have the urge to spill my guts and get the angst out of my blood in order to cope with life and problems without the added stress of it. I am only one person, scared and all alone in the world, trying to live life and deal with everything harsh that comes my way in the best way I can. The only way I can channel any negative energy is to spew it out of me first, and then use the positive stuff buried underneath it, into something good. I wish I knew how to repress the negative stuff when it comes along, or deal with it differently in a more private way.

But my true nature has always been this way, I have always had a diary and I've always spewed out venomous thoughts and anger into it.......simply because in America, angry women are viewed as bitches, we're not allowed to express any of that publically, are we. If we do, we only get condemned and criticized for it, we get attacked and beaten down for it. And still others like to come along and try to hurt us with it.

Yet, like Christine Aguilera says, it makes me a little bit stronger, makes me a little bit harder, and thank you for making me a fighter. I will turn the adversity into power, and I will use that power to accomplish what I set out to do.

Please understand, I don't mean to be hateful or mean. Sometimes, when I feel provoked by outside sources who cause me those feelings, I naturally wish to fight back. If I'm left alone to live peacefully, however, I believe in "live and let live," and I don't cause anybody else any grief about anything. Problem is, for whatever reasons, some people out there don't like it when someone like me wants to be left alone to live peacefully. They would rather stir a turd or cause grief or do something to upset me in some way---giving me more power over them than I care to have.

Like everybody else, I'm a work in progress. I will learn from the experience, think it over carefully and thoroughly and rethink the entire blog writing issue. All I'm trying to do in life is what everybody else is trying to do---I'm no better or worse than anyone else---I'm just trying to get through life as peacefully in my own heart and soul as possible, trying to do something good, trying to accomplish something that I can be proud of for a long time. I just want to be understood, but I have to take responsibility for the fact that I am often MIS-understood.

I could write fiction here. Definitely could do that, and it might be more fun. Write my private thoughts in a diary privately like before, and just come here to write made up stories about made up people. Would that be the best answer for all involved?? I'm tossing that around.

I could write smut here. God knows I've had enough ideas and experience along those lines.

Or, I could force myself to write about love and goodness and happy things all the time...but really, how truthful should a blog be...nobody's life is all goodness, and happy things all the time. How honest should I continue to be here...I consider this blog my voice...should I disguise that voice from now on and pretend to be someone I'm not?

I have no control over who reads this blog really, unless I send it to specific people and assign them a password. But I don't know who I would send it to really. I didn't think anybody really gave a shit, and I didn't think anyone would be interested in reading what I had to say. So I have left it open for anybody who feels the urge to read it. My heart and soul are open for anyone who feels an urge to get to know me better too, but that rarely happens. Much easier for people to just pounce on me here and use my words to hurt me or others with them, than for them to come to me and ask me to my face why I said something or what I meant. That's just pure laziness and ignorance on their part.

I've been called a "warrior" by an important influential person in my life recently, and I guess I have been using that warrior quality too recklessly and haven't considered the consequences of it as much as I should have. For that, I would like to officially apologize to those out there who took any offense or upset at my words.

I've always known how powerful words can be, and I have taken great pride over the years in knowing I can cut someone to the bone and make them bleed with my words if I so choose. But I don't usually like to choose that way of writing, believe it or not. This blog was my alter-ego, the Hyde to my Dr. Jekyll persona of my daily boring and passionless world. Here, I could let loose and allow the pent-up passion within to come out, in whatever form it needed to come out.

I simply wanted to be a Sassy Girl, stating sassy things in a sassy way, things I have thought or felt but were too afraid to express verbally to anyone for fear of rejection. The last thing I ever wanted to do with this blog is cause problems for anyone. I just wanted to create a solution for my own angst-ridden negativity trapped inside.

Another close friend of mine said to me that I am too trusting, and too honest sometimes, and too naiive in some things. She feels I should just ditch this blog once and for all, and go back to being a hermit without a voice like I was before. That is usually what most girls are taught in our country, aren't they...to just nod and smile and be good girls, and not cause any problems.

Ironic how I would like to salvage my own voice, at the same time as I would like to give kids a voice with the book I am writing. At what price though. That is what I am contemplating now.

And so I am rethinking a lot of things.

Love, Sassy Girl