Happy last day of being 39 to me

Let's take an intimate peek into my last day of being 39 years old...

[08:57]PETER: how is your morning going?
[08:58]ME: somewhat annoyed with men IMming me
[08:58]ME: otherwise it's fine so far.
[08:58]ME: if they all just leave me the hell alone i'll be fine
[08:58]PETER: it sounds like you have a list of men IMing you
[08:59]ME: this cute guy who lives in AZ but is currently in Africa says he's been a Dom for 6 years but I'm not convinced
[09:00]PETER: i remember you mentioning him
[09:00]ME: this other guy who has pestered me a lot says he wants to send me a b-day surprise to my door tomorrow
[09:00]ME: i keep telling him no----here he is...
[09:00]ME: i don't understand you
[08:58] kelvin: i am saying that, i do want to get you a surprise that i don`t have to tell you on here,it will get to your doorstep if you want it that way hun?
[08:58] kelvin: and i am serious about that
[08:59]ME: please don't
[08:59]ME: I appreciate the offer, you're very sweet
[08:59]ME: but I don't know you at all and it is not appropriate
[08:59] kelvin: Please allow me to do what is on my mind
[09:00] kelvin: Then what are we doing, talking trying to get to know each other better
[09:00] kelvin: aleast we have been talking for long now
[09:00] kelvin: hun?
[09:00]ME: mr. africa guy wants to call me tomorrow
[09:01]ME: i told him i'll be with you all day and he said he'll call after you leave.
[09:01]PETER: do not give out your address. i'm sure he's sincere, but that is stalking fodder
[09:01]ME: he's weird
[09:02]ME: i'm not giving out my info
[09:02]ME: though mr. africa man has my home phone number. but i never answer it
[09:02]ME: hehehe
[09:03]ME: oh boy---here he is again...
[09:03]ME: 09:01] send me a nice e-mail greeting card
[09:01]ME: that would be very nice of you
[09:02] kelvin: You seems not want to know who i am baby, and that is so bad of you
[09:03]ME: 09:03] send me email and tell me who you are.
[09:03]PETER: good grief
[09:03]ME: see what I mean?
[09:03]ME: fuggin' stupid idiot men
[09:03]ME: 09:03] kelvin: ok then, talk to you later
[09:03]ME: ok

[09:04]ME: that's what I get for not being invisible.
[09:04]PETER: you're invisible now
[09:04]ME: yes
[09:04]PETER: *shakes his head* wow
[09:04]ME: i'm tellin' ya.
[09:04]ME: you have no idea.
[09:05]ME: that is my typical IM day with other guys. fuggin' weirdos.
[09:05]PETER: i sometimes think i should create a femail profile on collarme, just to see what volume of absurd emails come pouring in. i'm sure it is astonishing
[09:05]ME: oh yes. go for it. i'll find you a picture of a chick
[09:05]PETER: LOL
[09:06]ME: you're halfway sane at least.
[09:07]ME: most of the time.
[09:07]PETER: @-) 8-X) 8-}
[09:08]ME: sometmes I wish you were crazier
[09:08]ME: have you talked to karen in awhile?
[09:09]ME: and will you beat me until i have welts and blood and cuts on my ass?
[09:10]ME: ok time's up. too late. offer has been recinded.
[09:11]PETER: i know you seem to want the welts and cuts on your ass here lately, and you may have a difficult time sitting down after tomorrow's birthday spankings
[09:11]ME: nah just joking with ya
[09:11]PETER: heh heh... we'll see girl
[09:11]ME: ahem
[09:12]PETER: and I have talked to karen, sure. she's been pretty busy lately
[09:12]ME: ok....will you see her again? your arm will hurt if you do that.
[09:14]PETER: my arm will be perfectly fine, it doesnt get tired
[09:14]ME: babs just arrived.
[09:15]PETER: and as for karen, i may see her again at some point but there are no plans for it. we talk often enough to keep up on each other and the things that are going on
[09:15]PETER: okay
[09:15]ME: ah
[09:15]ME: i knew it.
[09:17]PETER: does babs have anything for you today... or just more shredding
[09:17]ME: don't know don't care
[09:20]ME: maybe you should go beat Karen's ass tomorrow instead.
[09:22]PETER: i am beating your ass girl
[09:22]ME: she likes it more than I do.
[09:24]PETER: i am taking the day off to spend with you, and it is your ass that i will take care of
[09:24]ME: if i hadn't asked you, then you wouldn't have told me that you planned to see her again.
[09:27]ME: and you told me before you wouldn't be seeing her anymore.
[09:27]PETER: i have not made a habit of talking about karen to you, no. and while i do and i will respond to questions when you ask i will not be drawn into a discussion about you vs. karen. i am taking another day off to spend with you on your birthday in order to celebrate it and take the time with you because I treasure you
[09:28]PETER: i told you she and i had backed off just as you and i had and that we'd see. it was the same thing. it did not last with you at all as it has with her, which is a pretty clear indication of where you stand
[09:29]ME: it's clear alright
[09:31]ME: i'm going to sleep in late tomorrow so eat before you arrive cuz i don't feel like cooking.
[09:31]PETER: that's fine
[09:32]ME: i had planned to cook breakfast for us both
[09:32]ME: but i'm rather miffed at the moment in case you couldn't tell
[09:32]PETER: i know it was your plan, and yes i can tell
[09:32]ME: why don't we just skip the whole thing
[09:32]ME: i'm really not in the mood
[09:34]ME: i mean if you were going for the whole "make her feel special thing" that kinda just hit the floor.
[09:36]PETER: i'm also not going to lie when asked a question, which would be far worse. i'm aware of what a bad time you are going through and that many things are crashing through your mind and have been for a while
[09:36]ME: so one more thing added to it. thanks.
[09:51]ME: and now he goes silent. for 20 minutes.
[09:54]PETER: on phone with charleston.. hang on
[09:54]ME: i've been hanging.
[09:56]PETER: we had a very good test last week... and then last night i find out that a fix for one problem broke something else. now i am in damage control mode with the govt to figure out how to fix it
[09:57]ME: so cancel tomorrow and take care of it
[09:57]PETER: i will not
[09:57]ME: they'll call you constantly then
[09:57]PETER: then i will not answer the phone
[09:57]ME: and you'll pay for it
[09:58]PETER: i will select if i need to answer, and i will set up mike and other folks to handle things while i'm gone
[09:58]ME: i think i'm going off alone somewhere.
[09:59]PETER: i am taking the day off to spend it with you tomorrow. you can go off somewhere after i leave if you choose.
[09:59]ME: i'm upset with you peter.
[10:00]PETER: i know you are
[10:00]PETER: you're upset with pretty much everyone and everything right now, and with good reason
[10:00]ME: but you don't care and you'll do whatever you want anyway and i'll spread my legs and let you fuck me like usual, and nothing matters.
[10:02]PETER: i care a great deal and it all matters
[10:02]PETER: and tomorrow you can rant at me all you want. you can hit me and scream and rage as much as you need to
[10:03]ME: but not today.
[10:03]ME: ok
[10:03]ME: i'll log off
[10:03]PETER: you can rant at me today too,
[10:03]ME: and do it when it's more convenient for you
[10:04]PETER: but i will not be able to go toe to toe with you all day long
[10:04]ME: don't tell me you're going to go fuck karen and expect me to be happy about it.
[10:04]PETER: i can talk and there will be gaps
[10:04]PETER: i expect nothing
[10:06]ME: i'm feeling rather rebuffed at the moment and that's the last thing I had expected to feel today or any other day for that matter. the last thing I need right now is to know I'm not as special as you'd like me to believe.
[10:07]ME: but ok so be it, karen has something over me that I will never be able to duplicate or provide to you, and that's just the way it is, you'll always think of her over me.
[10:07]ME: i just have to learn to deal with that
[10:07]ME: but i won't sit here and listen to you tell me how special I am anymore since it's just not true
[10:08]ME: so stop telling me bullshit lies and just go do what you need to do with karen and i won't ask anymore
[10:13]ME: stupid me for even asking the damned question in the first place but something told me that was lurking.
[10:14]PETER: i do not think of karen over you. i spend vastly more time, energy, thoughts, and feelings on you than i do nearly anyone else. i talk to you vastly more than anyone else. i take days off and skip meetings and make special points of contacting you when i have no time for anyone, just because of how special you are to me. i am aware that its still not enough for you
[10:14]ME: and yes you most certainly did tell me that it was over with her, so don't sit here now and try to say you said something else about it.
[10:14]ME: and don't play the guilt thing on me either.
[10:14]ME: you wouldn't spend half the amount of time on me if I didn't have holes to fill and a mouth to suck you off.
[10:15]ME: if we were platonic you wouldn't do any of those things
[10:17]ME: go ahead and deny THAT.
[10:21]ME: i was in a decent mood before this.
[10:23]PETER: i would spent the same amount of time on you if we were platonic and there was no sex at all. the holes and the sex is fun and needed and an outlet and release, but it has no bearing on any of the relationship and closeness and help and sharing that I would want to have with you. believe that or not, it is absolutely true
[10:23]ME: you lie to everybody all the time Peter, why would I be any different.
[10:24]ME: you'll lie to me if you haven't been already, I'll never know
[10:24]ME: but ok I'll leave it be
[10:24]ME: it doesn't matter.
[10:27]PETER: you matter to me
[10:27]PETER: and i am very damn aware of the lies i tell and what that makes me. i confront it each day i look in the mirror
[10:27]PETER: that is not something i'm going to share with ANYONE because it is my choice and my issue to deal with
[10:28]PETER: i pay attention to the relationship you and i have and I have damn well been trying to make it even better if I can, realizing my limitations and the fucking liar i am because of what i do
[10:29]PETER: i am also aware of how imperfect that makes me, even if there is a lot i can do for you and support and care for you.
[10:30]PETER: each time you think about my own realities it is damn painful to us both, but to you in particular and i will not minimize the effect on you or ignore it
[10:30]ME: you'd have it much easier without me.
[10:31]PETER: i have never thought about what would be easier or not. i do not think like that.
[10:31]PETER: you are in my life and a part of my heart and i accept that
[10:31]PETER: i don't have to touch any of your holes again and i'd still feel the same way about you
[10:31]PETER: and i am damn serious about that
[10:32]PETER: of course i'd miss that part, i'm not minimizing the intimacy either. dont mistake that
[10:32]ME: of course.
[10:32]PETER: but i am not someone who is only talking to you to get into your pants and holes and use you
[10:33]PETER: i goddamn care about YOU. that is quite independent of the shape and content of your body
[10:33]PETER: YOU are what makes it pleasant to talk to and argue with and listen to
[10:33]ME: this is pleasant?
[10:33]PETER: hell no
[10:34]PETER: but i'd still rather have this than not talk to you at all
[10:34]ME: i c
[10:34]ME: so why do you need Karen?
[10:37]PETER: i developed a close relationship with karen long before i met you, and I will not just throw her out when the friendship she and i have is important too. the level and details of what we share are completely different and her needs are at another level entirely (she needs less in terms of time and intimacy, for example). i have never tossed out a close friend of mine. i keep them and hold them dear, even those i have not seen or talked to in a while
[10:37]ME: but this is not just platonic friendship peter.
[10:37]PETER: i hope to fucking god that i am not a user of people, and i keep that in the front of my brain pretty constantly both in work and personally.
[10:38]ME: but you are
[10:38]ME: and you do
[10:38]PETER: i know
[10:38]PETER: we all are to some extent
[10:38]ME: have i used anybody that you know of since you've known me?
[10:38]PETER: i don't want to be heartless about it as i have seen some people do, esp in the online and D/s community
[10:39]ME: have I used Aryan?
[10:39]ME: Laurie?
[10:39]ME: Monique?
[10:39]ME: anyone?
[10:40]PETER: i would not classify your relationships with any of those people, or anyone else, as using them, no. and i would never put you in that category
[10:40]ME: so your statement above is false.
[10:41]ME: i have no interest in using anybody for anything
[10:41]PETER: to me a user is someone who takes and takes with no respect or interest in giving back anything. i would like to believe i do not fit into that definition
[10:42]ME: and you just gave me a rejection and preferring of someone else.
[10:42]ME: thanks
[10:42]ME: even knowing how uber-sensitive I am to it
[10:42]ME: i knew the answer before you gave it to me
[10:42]PETER: i
[10:42]PETER: do
[10:42]PETER: not
[10:42]PETER: prefer
[10:42]PETER: karen
[10:42]PETER: or
[10:42]PETER: anyone
[10:42]PETER: else
[10:43]ME: so you'll stay platonic with her then?
[10:43]ME: i don't believe that for one minute.
[10:44]ME: i play the fool for you peter, all the time. i turn the other cheek, ignore it, pretend it's just fine the way it is.
[10:45]ME: but it's not fine.
[10:46]ME: and if i were so goddamned special to you then you wouldn't need someone else.
[10:47]ME: so go and jump into her bed
[10:47]ME: but don't tell me how special I am anymore
[10:54]PETER: each of us gets to define what yardstick we use to measure someone else against, whether it is their specialness or their caring or even their worth in our lives. you get to define what it all means to you. i have never been ignorant of your feelings for being special and your deep need for constant and consistent caring. i have been trying very hard to make you understand how special you are to me. only you can decide if its enough and of enough quality to continue. at its basic level, that is something we all evaluate for the people in our lives. you are special to me, very damn special and i don't mind telling you that. i would never have taken so much time and effort and stuck through hard issues if you weren't
[10:55]PETER: whoever is writing your horoscope is peeking over your shoulder and watching you
[10:56]ME: i hate my life peter
[10:56]ME: i hate everything about it
[11:10]PETER: i know you do and there is much about your life that should be better
[11:12]ME: ya think
[11:16]PETER: sorry, i've had people dropping in to discuss the current crisis even though my door is closed
[11:16]ME: whatever
[11:16]PETER: i've been trying to keep people away for a while so i could talk to you as uninterrupted as I could
[11:17]PETER: has babs said anything to you about this being your last day... or anyone else?
[11:17]ME: there is nowhere we can go with it
[11:17]ME: so there's no point in talking about it
[11:17]ME: no.
[11:20]PETER: are you even going to take a lunch today? i remember you mentioned getting someone to check on sassy at midday
[11:20]ME: going downstairs to get something
[11:20]ME: eating at my desk
[11:20]PETER: okay
[11:27]ME: you tell me i can end things. yet whenever i try to do that, you refuse to let it end. i feel held hostage most of the time, unable to break away from this dysfunctional shit. and when i vent at you, you give me generalities and vague answers and then ignore me for hours at a time
[11:27]ME: if i can't end the relationship, then i can end my existence. if that's the only way to stop this chaos, so be it.
[11:30]PETER: do not end your existence
[11:30]ME: i do not wish to exist with this life anymore.
[11:31]ME: the things i want most i cannot have
[11:31]ME: i want to teach the holocaust. i want a job with stability. security. financial security. i want medical benefits. i want a man who loves me and only me.
[11:31]ME: i can have none of those things.
[11:32]PETER: we've always acknowledged that there is much that is dysfunctional in our relationship. my goal has always been that it helps much more than it hurts. maybe that's true some days and untrue for others (today being one). looking at the whole or even an average i hope that i have added to you life and not made it worse.
[11:32]PETER: you deserve each and every one of those things... i know it more than anyone else
[11:34]PETER: and i completely and absolutely agree that i am a schmuck for not being able to give you any of them completely. "doing what i can" is certainly a generality and while i NEVER say it just to placate you, you have the best i can do for you as much as i can
[11:34]ME: and so I nod and smile. I'm going to get some lunch. bbiab
[11:34]PETER: ok



Yes, happy birthday to me.

And all that before lunch.

You wonder why I'm thinkin' about steppin' off?

---Sassy Girl