Off to camp I go...

Yes I realize it's 5 a.m. I have been awake since 3:30 and I cannot sleep. I've been having a hard time sleeping all week actually. Can you blame me though? This whole camp weekend is about to start for me, and it's made me a nervous wreck. I mean, how many chances does a person GET to go to Hedonism Island---well, this camp isn't exactly Hedonism Island, but it's the East Coast version of it, and the closest thing to it that I'll probably ever get.

Let's see...this camp experience hasn't even begun yet, and it's caused me so many meltdowns, I don't even remember them all. The silliest, perhaps, was crying about the necklace Peter gave me. I wear it every day, and it's kinda like having a security blanket with me, almost as though HE is with me, all the time. It's not a "collar" per se, but it's the closest thing I have ever had to one. But, I have always been a very practical person, so I figured I should probably take the necklace off and leave it home, so that it doesn't get broken or lost. Makes perfect sense, doesn't it? But the minute I really thought about it, and started to take it off, I burst into tears, feeling horribly like a traitor or disloyal to him in some way...like I was about to cheat on him and didn't want him to know...it was awful.

Yeah, that meltdown might seem rather silly...I know. He even told me it's ok to wear it, and if it does somehow get broken or lost, he'll replace it with another one exactly the same. And so the necklace stays on. Practical or not, I can't take it off and leave it home. I would feel lost without it.

So it's 5 a.m. and I keep trying to call the stupid unemployment automated line, to file my claim for last week. I mean of COURSE they have me scheduled to call TODAY because God knows any OTHER day this week would have made my life TOO SIMPLE. But hey guess what, the @$%! thing is "having technical difficulties" and won't LET ME DO ANYTHING. I have called several times since 3:30 a.m., and I keep getting the same damned message. I really truly do NOT want to deal with this place today. Stupid me, I don't remember my username so I can't do it online either. GRRRR. They really do not make it easy on people who really need the assistance when life is rough, and if I were president, that's one of the things I would fix about this stupid world FIRST. Instead of making people jump through bureaucratic hoops, I would hire people who are unemployed to actually HELP their fellow hardluck buddies like me, and jump through those hoops FOR ME. I think it's silly that the unemployment office is "so swamped with so many people" right now, (as they told me), and I said, "HEY, here's an idea, why don't you HIRE ME TO WORK THERE so I can actually get a PAYCHECK, and take the load off of YOU being so overworked?"

Wow, what a concept. But see, that makes too much sense. And who am I, to ruin any sense of "job security" they currently have with all the "overwhelming claims."

My alarm was actually set for 6:30 a.m., thinking I would have plenty of time before taking off to the camp this morning to walk the dog, pack the cooler, and load up the odds and ends into the car. So much for THAT idea. Now I'll probably fall asleep at the friggin' wheel on my way there, or worse, get there, unpack and get settled, and fall asleep before even getting naked...I think I hear Starbucks callin' me.

Oh yes, I will most likely be tanked up on caffeine most of this weekend, I mean how the hell is a person supposed to be hedonistic 24/7 without it? God, am I going to go straight to hell when I die, for doing this? I mean...I didn't tell my family about this camp place, just to save my own sanity of the condemnation they would thrust upon me...but I did make the mistake of telling my "best friend" about it, and she said, "Wow, I saw the web site link you sent me for that place, and those people really look SCAREY...what a bunch of freaks...be careful..." And so, I wear the lable of "scarey freak" for going there, apparently, given to me by the one person I have known since age 15 who claims to be my "best friend." (Personally I think she needs to get fucked up the ass a few times to lighten up). But hey, that's just me. What do I know. But golly, she's Catholic, so perhaps she's praying for me. Sniff. Yeah, I will probably be struck by lightening the minute I have my first orgasm outside under the stars at this place, and go straight down to the pits of hell. I am doomed.

I went to a restaurant that serves Persian food yesterday, to meet with two of my new coworkers who were here in town visiting from other locations, and I ordered the chicken--it came with a huge mound of rice, a grilled whole tomato, some yogurt stuff with dill and cucumber (LOVE IT), some green hot sauce stuff, and a bunch of onions. I pigged out like a dog because that's one of my FAVORITE restaurants, and now, nearly 30 hours later, I'm tasting onions. Ick. Even with mouthwash, a scrub of the tongue, and a severe toothbrushing. Still there. Onions, at 5 a.m. BLEAHHHHHH. It's a good thing the restaurant is worth it, or I'd be mighty peeved about this. Good thing I just share a bed with a dog, she doesn't care if my breath is bad.

I often thought if I were ever in a bad argument with somebody I loved, and had to go to bed next to him after fighting, I'd first go eat a whole bag of nasty Habenero Doritos, a raw onion, and some garlic...just to be a hag and breathe on him all night. Hehehehehehe...oh good lord I'm loopy. I'm tired as hell.

So back to this camp thing. This Thomas guy, the Dom from NJ who wants me as his sex slave all weekend, apparently "cannot receive offline messages via IM" for some reason, so I feel rather snubbed. Maybe I shouldn't have told him last night about the argument I had with Peter regarding his "jealousy" of him. Well, I couldn't very well show up, get naked and DO IT without first telling him the truth of how it affected my Dom-at-home, could I? Sometimes maybe I just need to keep my mouth shut, but then I would FEEL like I'm lying, even if some people would think that's a better option, I disagree. I am brutally honest with everybody about everything. That's not to say I don't have BOUNDARIES of course, I mean I don't sit and blab to everybody in the world on a BLOG every little detail of my LIFE....

Oh wait. Yes, I guess I do. Well shit, there goes that theory.

Ahem. So I guess I'm just a scarey hedonistic freak with a big mouth. Lovely. It's just that I have a certain sense of MONOGAMY towards Peter, which is damned stupid and illogical, I know, because he's MARRIED for fug's sake...(shaking my head at myself for making no sense whatsoever)...but at the same time, going to a BDSM camp and being naked with someone ELSE just isn't something I feel comfortable doing. Of course, I'm gonna do it, even if I feel like I shouldn't...even if the vanilla voices in my head condemn me the whole time...oh yes, I'm gonna. It's a given. The good angel on one side of my shoulders might whisper things in my ear the whole time, but the devil on my OTHER shoulder is gonna win out with a loud GO FOR IT. I can already tell ya that much. And then, of course, being the pseudo-Jewish person that I am, the aftermath of the GUILT will set in and I'll probably have some meltdowns NEXT week about it too. That, and "sub-drop," which is going to suck shit through a straw.

Sub-drop is something that I've never experienced really, but it's a very real and very difficult thing to go through. It happens after a major natural high of being oversexed and massive hormones going on and wild chemicals flying through your body for a long period of time...once that adrenaline rush, or endorphine rush is OVER, it's like the same idea of crashing after drinking 5 Starbucks coffees. But it's more emotional, than just physical. I've been told about this by some others who are going to camp, and they suggested I take a few days off afterwards....but hey, guess what, I'm starting a NEW JOB after I get back. Won't that be fun. Somehow I will just have to put off the whole sub-drop thing until the following weekend if possible. But hey, I'm pretty good about swallowing down my feelings and internalizing everything, which is probably why I'm a nervous wreck all the time.

Jeezus, it's 5:35 a.m. and I'm wide awake and freaking out about this weekend. Peter tried to reassure me, "Just relax and go have FUN, and don't THINK THINGS TO DEATH," he says...hehehehe...who ME??! Do I do that?!! (insert straight lined smiley face). Yes goddammit, I do that. I think everything to death. I've already envisioned this entire weekend, seeing certain people there I don't like, and don't want to talk to; trying to fit in a nap every day if possible, hoping I don't freeze my ass off at night, (s'posed to be in the high 70's all weekend though), getting dissed again by Aryan who is STILL being a baby and not talking to me; being this Thomas-guy's "sex slave" all weekend and HOPING LIKE HELL I won't have a meltdown in front of him while it's happening, thinking about Peter the whole time...and FUCK what about this KIDNAPPING I signed up for, I must have been out of my wicked mind to do that...

Not to mention the all girl naked party...rubbing my boobies on somebody ELSE's boobies...giggle...I've never done that before...it kinda makes me all butterflies in my stomach when I think about it...good lord I hope I don't hyperventilate at this thing. And what if some chick decides to plant a big wet sloppy kiss on me? Christ I hope I can get rid of these onions I'm tasting before that happens...

Oh, and there's going to be a huge "CUDDLE PIT" going on, apparently, with a huge mound of pillows, and naked people all laying every which way on each other, cuddling together---"like going back to the womb" it said---in the description. Oh, and did I mention that I'm going to give it a shot and try being a PONY GIRL too?! I have NO CLUE what the big thrill of that whole thing is, to be honest, I mean, you're dressed up like a friggin' HORSE, like a friggin' MR. ED---I really don't get it. But ok, it's really cool to WATCH, I just don't know if I'll be able to get into the mindspace that goes with it. The horse-tail buttplug, sure, I can get into THAT...no problem. Put a harness on me, ok, I can dig it...but will I just guffaw hysterically at myself, and feel like a complete idiot, or what...? I really don't know. I won't know until I try it. And when else will I ever get the chance to try it, if not this weekend? Right? I should just be bold, and venture forth into things I've never done...and close my eyes, hold my breath, and hope it works out. Right?

Either that, or go hide behind a tree somewhere. But with my luck, somebody will sneak up behind me and tie me to that damned tree and then I'm doomed...aaauugghhhh!!

The thing about camp is, there's NO PLACE TO HIDE...that is, if you go to a BDSM club, you're there for a few hours, you have fun, you go home. Here, there IS no "going home," you're immersed in it 24/7 for the entire weekend, there's no escaping it, no hiding, no running away, because you'll be chased after, grabbed by the hair, and forced to have orgasms whether you want them or not. Whether you're tired out or not, whether you're naked or not...it won't matter, they're all gonna chase me, surround me like some kind of sexy cult, envelope me with their naked bodies, wrap me in rope, spray whipped cream all over my body and hundreds of tongues will then lick every inch of me to get it off...and there's not a DAMNED thing I can do about it, except lay there and let 'em.

Shiver.

Goosebumps.

Butterflies.

Ok so now it's 5:47 a.m., my alarm is due to go off at 6:30...and I'm horny now.

Shit shit shit I am so wicked for going here. I should be shot in the face with a bazooka---HA!! And I probably WILL be---all those Dom's think they HAVE bazooka dicks ya know....oh GOD, I'm so wicked and trashy and horrible for doing this. I'm going to be the "cum-slut" of every Dom's dreams at this place, my wetness soaking through every blade of grass, every trunk of every tree, flicked upon every star in the sky as I melt into it and die a thousand deaths.

Goodbye for now. I will return a changed person, I'm sure. It's a BDSM rite of passage really, and this is elevating me to the next level of naughtiness. Stay tuned for all the juicy details after I come back...it's gonna be friggin' awesome.

Love, Sassy Girl