Putting it away

So I tell Peter this morning that I'm sitting here naked enjoying my day so far, and that last night I walked around the place naked with my collar on, lovin' it. Then I tell him I need to shower, and I come back and ask if I should put on clothes.

He doesn't answer. He's too distracted with work. I'm off today so I have nothing to do really and I need extra TLC because of this phenomenon of "camp drop" that I'm experiencing right now. I told him about this BEFORE I went to camp, and that I would need him extra hugely this week while dealing with it. He swore he'd be here for me when I needed it this week, but apparently he just can't do that.

So I'm sitting here waiting for some direction from him, wanting permission to stay naked...but he doesn't seem to get it. Then tears start to come, and I'm sitting here with clothes on, wishing he would understand why I needed to keep them off. He just doesn't get it. He doesn't give me permission to keep them off, he doesn't tell me to put my collar on or get my nipple clamps, or anything. It just does not occur to him to think that way, he says.

That's because he can just turn his Domliness off whenever he needs to.

I, on the other hand, cannot do such a thing. I have no "off" switch. I am apparently more of a lifestyler than he will ever be. He said he's known that since the beginning. Nice of him to share that info with me, though, it just now occurred to ME that THIS is the source of our disconnect.

He was there for me on Tuesday but only to reap the benefits of my natural high, seeing me giggly and silly and hyper and horny like a crazed lunatic...but now he's too busy with other things and he can type a blue streak about how the weather is, or how his teleconference is boring, etc., but he can't simply type the words "Get naked and stay that way until I tell you to put on clothing."

He says that would have been too "fake" of him to say such a thing.

God forbid he should be FAKE with me, since he's 24/7 FAKE with his entire vanilla family and wife all the time...heaven forbid he should be that way with ME by writing one goddamned sentence.

So of course I apologize profusely for my own shortcomings, being too needy, too high maintenance, too much of a pain in the ass. I shouldn't have to beg for every little thing that I need from him, I shouldn't have to keep asking for things, because that means I am the one making decisions, and I HATE making decisions. I need a Dom who KNOWS what I need, when I need it, and who willingly MAKES those decisions for me.

He's just not wired that way.

And so, like I told him before, I knew this camp experience would be the beginning of the end of our relationship. It is inevitable. I just need more than he can give.

---Sassy Girl