Thoughts about Pete and Peter

This past weekend, Pete and I were in the middle of having some nooky when he said out of the blue, "I love you Rebecca and I want you forever." My brain did a flip-flop like "aw shit," and the noise of my brain's complex machinery suddenly clunked together in a clusterfuck mess, filling my ears with an echo. WTF did he just SAY to me?! I immediately burst into tears. He stopped what he was doing and hugged me. I said as I wiped the tears away, "JEEZUS pete, don't fuck up the fucking by talking about love, ya damned idiot, I am trying to focus on the fucking for cripes' sake..." and we both laughed while I recovered from the shock.

Now, I can handle the physical part of a relationship, no problem. I'm even pretty good at it, if I do say so myself. The emotional part, though, I really have no clue about. It's huge and scarey and overwhelming and wow, I never thought I would be feeling anything this big EVER for another person. I really don't LIKE people much, ya know, I am anti-social as hell, and I've not really liked MEN for a long time either, so it's hard for me to understand how this one guy can suddenly appear out of nowhere ONLY ONE MONTH AGO, and suddenly be talking about spending the rest of his LIFE with me...I mean, I hear the words, I nod and smile, but I don't believe them, ya know? It's like they are just floating into the wind, and I tell myself "don't get your hopes up ya bonehead," because every time I do, something hits the fan and gets all screwed up and I just end up disappointed or hurt by it.

He started talking while we were swimming in the pool about how the house he wants to get for us should have a pool out back and a nice yard for Sassy to roam about in without a leash whenever she wants to, and how we should start to think about what we really want in a house so we can get busy because in a year from now, blah blah blah yadda yadda yadda----at that point, my brain got all clouded up again and I shook my head, "Stop getting my hopes up about this future shit, will you please? I don't even know what the hell I'm going to wear to work tomorrow, much less where I'll be a year from now..."

Something in the back of my head just keeps saying, "Sure, it seems nice NOW, but just wait...something will come out of nowhere to bite you in the ass...don't trust it...just wait for the other shoe to fall first...because it will, you know it will, nothing is this good, it's just too good to be true...don't get all caught up in it."

He stares into my eyes, for long periods of time...it makes me cringe and I want to hide. I don't know what the hell he's seeing in there, but it's making me freak out when he does this, so sometimes I can't even bring myself to look at him at all, and he noticed this. "Why do you always look down when you're talking to me...I want to see your eyes..." he says. I don't really know WHY I do that, but it's just so...I don't know...weird...for a guy to look at me like that. He doesn't just look at me with a glance or a simple up and down, he stares INTO ME, not just AT me. It's uncomfortable, like I should be hiding away from the gaze...I feel like I'm under a microscope and might goof up something or do something wrong somehow...

Peter did this the first time I met him, at lunch. His eyes squinted in the sun, and he just stared at me mercilessly, while I ate. I felt like running and hiding then too, so maybe this is some kind of Domly thing, I don't know. It just makes me feel like I'm being scrutinized, like I've got some kind of invisible booger hanging out of my nose or something that nobody told me about...so naturally I want to hide.

I had a bit of a meltdown on Friday night; worrying about having Pete in my bedroom that feels like it belongs to Peter. Before Peter came along, my room felt like it belonged to Big Al. I loved him, for over 8 years, and still do. So my loyalty to Big Al hasn't changed, it's just not expressed as often now that he's stopped coming over. I mean, I'm having a bit of difficulty with feeling so much loyalty to both him and now to Peter too, because I am supposed to (in my mind, heart and soul) make THEM HAPPY---that is what my whole purpose in life is, as a submissive---and right now I know that Big Al isn't very happy right now, which kills me, because that's all I've ever wanted for him is to be happy---and I know this is not fun for Peter either, knowing I'm spending my weekends with another Dom guy with the same damned name as him.

So this whole situation with Pete makes me feel very upset, because I am the cause of both Big Al's and Peter's upset right now, (though Peter will swear up and down that he's NOT upset at all, I still feel like I am "cheating" on him)...silly I know, because he's the married one, cheating on his wife with ME, but I still can't help feeling that way when Pete comes around. I know that logically and to other people on the outside, it probably makes no damned sense, but in my own head, it makes perfect sense, and how COULD I be such a horrid slut, loving more than 1 guy?!

And Pete even said at one point (half jokingly) that he was learning the fine art of aggressively stealing me away from Peter. I just gave him a look, but didn't reply. What if I don't WANT to be stolen away? He never thought to even ask me, did he. No, he didn't. I was perfectly fine (well, mostly) with Peter and being with him before camp, and I was excited to share my experiences of camp with Peter, but now it's like the whole camp thing was this huge turning point, or rite of passage of some kind, and has now somehow "tainted" things with Peter, because now Pete is "stealing me away from him." I did not go there to be stolen away by somebody else, I didn't go to camp to find anyone or start dating anybody. I went to simply get away from Fubar City for awhile and relax, to get naked and playyyyy.

I keep saying to myself, I can say no, I can just tell Pete that I don't want to be taken from Peter, and he's pushing too much, and I don't like it...but I haven't said those things because I'm just so overwhelmed and I don't know really which is the better situation. I mean, I know a single guy is much better to be involved with than a married guy---at least, to most people, that is the case---I also know that Peter's marriage is not exactly a happy fun thing to deal with, when it comes to being "the other woman," but at the same time, in my own defense, I have to confess that it's much SAFER to be with him.

Now, don't get me wrong, because I do feel safe in Pete's arms too---it's a different KIND of safe though. What I mean is, being with PETER is much "safer" EMOTIONALLY I guess. I can just spend an hour or two being intimate and loving Peter, at least a little bit, and then he's gone again and I can shut it off and focus on other stuff. I have never felt a constant, or consistent, intimacy or love for another human being ever in my whole life. Sure I've had boyfriends, but not like this. This whole thing with Pete is like, a grown-up mature life-changing thing, and it freaks me right the hell out.

I had hoped that Big Al would change his marital status too at some point, but after nearly 8 years with him, he never made even the slightest move in that direction, so I figure it's never going to happen with him and I should move on. But it's hard to move on from someone you've loved so long, and cared about so deeply, I mean there's no "on-off" switch, ya know? It's not just something I can wake up one day and declare is no longer there.

Pete asked me as he held my hands across the dining room table, "Do you feel for me all that I am feeling for you, too?" And I nearly choked, but I said, "Yes and it scares the hell outta me." (That is the same exact thing Charles once said to me when I asked him the same question). I see the parallels going on in my life, how history is repeating itself. I see how I was the eager one to start a life with Charles back in my mid-20's, but how he chose a different path and left me hanging. I could never do that to Pete, or anybody else for that matter. Unless I get some awesome friggin' job offer from the Anne Frank Foundation or the Shoah Foundation or something, I really have no other path to take in my life anymore. I am leaning towards moving to Pittsburgh in the near future, but what the hell would I do there? I have no idea. The idea of it is somewhat appealing, but THEN WHAT? I get there, unpack my stuff, and THEN WHAT?! I have no idea. Grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.

The problem is, Peter was just naked in my room Thursday evening. Pete was naked in my room late Saturday night. Another parallel and another example of history repeating itself in my life. Richard and Jim had the same situation with me in the vanilla realm about 15 years ago...so this has messed with my head a bit, needless to say, and left me feeling drained again, trying to figure out the transitional levels of loyalty and what is appropriate and what the hell do I really WANT and how can I turn away from Big Al, someone I've loved so long, and then get all involved with Peter, only to encounter an unexpected thing with Pete...

But at the same time, I wonder how I could ever turn this declaration of love down with Pete when I really feel like I love the guy back---I mean, I'd be stupid to turn that down, but at the same time, I love Peter too, more than I ever should have, and I wish with all my heart that he was single. I truly wish that every waking moment of every day of my life. If that were the case, this entire episode with Pete would be null and void...I wished that for Big Al too, but of course, Peter and Big Al will never be single, or divorced. I know that. There is no way I can give them the love I feel or wish I could extend to them fully. It is not allowed. I know that.

My brain is all a-whirl with things about Big Al, Pete and Peter that I can't quite coherently put into a sentence right now, but those are just some of my thoughts about it all at this point. I'm glad it's a holiday week, though, I need some time to just chill out and relax...this love I feel for both Pete and Peter, and Big Al too, is overwhelming and confusing to me. I don't know if it will ever make much sense to love 3 guys at one time, but I do.

--Love, Sassy Girl