Being free...and being me...

Well...I was looking through my files on my computer yesterday when I found an old suicide note that I had written awhile back, entitled "To anyone who cares." I re-read it, and thought maybe I should send it to Pete...to let him know what a crazed lunatic he's hooked up with. I mean, he might just change his mind about me when he discovers the huge lurking abyss of doom within me, ya know? So out of fairness, I figured I should at least mention it. Here's how the conversation went...

On Jun 23, 2008, at 9:51 AM, [SASSY GIRL] wrote:

> Hi Pete,
>
> Here's another older email from March 2008 I think it was....I
> wrote it as a suicide note and had planned to buy sleeping pills
> before turning 40 in April. This should give you some idea of where
> I was in my head and in my life before going to camp. Pretty much
> at the end of my rope. I'm glad you came along...I really am.
>
> ---[SASSY GIRL]
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Dear [SASSY GIRL],

I am glad I came along too. I am not glad that you were in this
state, but I am really glad that you decided to not do the sleeping
pills.

I care [SG], I feel better when I am with you, I feel stronger and
more capable. I am not sure that you understand the ego boost I got
Saturday night with you and [VIXEN] coming to the play and then tying
you down and playing with her, while I stole glances over at you.
There was a guy all by himself on the other side of the room who just
sat there watching and I thought to myself, "He is probably thinking;
"How do you get them to do that? Nobody ever does that for me."

I love you dear. I don't care where you live, how much stuff you
have, or what your job is. I am no prize on paper either, 50, two
alimonies, [deleted personal info], living in a two bedroom apartment with my youngest son.

I know much has changed since you wrote that letter, but I still want
to tell you; I care if you live or die. You brighten my day and fill
me with joy and warmth. There would be a hole in me if you were gone.
So if you ever feel like no one on Earth cares about you then I must
be dead. That is what it would take to end my feelings for you. I
don't care how few days we have had together, I feel this in my heart
and soul and that feeling is growing, not lessening.

Knowing how many times our paths crossed at camp (the pool, virgin
sacrifice, the spa, etc.) I do not think anymore that it was chance
that we met. One way or the other we would have met. Also I found it
interesting that we didn't meet again on Monday night, but did on
Tuesday morning. I think Monday night taught me (and maybe you) that
there was something there, because you were already consuming my mind
even though you were out of sight.

Thank you for baring your soul to me and showing me more and more of
who you are. The more I know you, the more I love you.

Kiss,
Pete
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Yes, there was a "virgin sacrifice" at camp, it was really just a huge mindfuck though, they kept saying "show up at 9 p.m. naked and ready for your punishment for not being a part of camp last year," and some people did just that, but I didn't show up naked...I did show up though...Pete was there too but I did not realize it...and then they brought out this huge well-known pain slut guy and started whipping him until he bled...and the virgins were all like, "HELL NO! I AM OUTTA HERE!" thinking they were next....hehehehe...but of course, they didn't go there. It was just to freak us all out.

He's right though, the more I re-think the whole camp thing, we were circling each other for several days. He wore a "blow me" t-shirt at one point, and I saw the shirt and thought, "HA! I should give him a coupon." But of course I didn't know him so I didn't do that. (I had made blowjob coupons to hand out to various unsuspecting men that seemed worthy). hehehehehehehehehe He said some other Dom-guy walked up to him and said, "Like the shirt, go find [SASSY GIRL], she's got coupons..." so I guess word got around...ahem...

And then we saw each other down by the pool at one point, and waved...and then later at the spa, he gave me the massage...and we had dinner together at the same table... so the whole time, we were like, circling around, but not really connecting much. Then we attended that "worship the male appendage" class, and he was my male appendage to play with. After the class was over, he kissed me, and I mean for a LONG time, and I remember pointing at his head behind him, to get the teacher's attention, and I yelled out, "How do you shut it off when you're done?!" hehehehehe Everybody in the class laughed. I figured he was just caught up in the moment and it really didn't mean anything.

Then on the last night, Monday, I figured everybody would be down at the dungeon having their last jollies, so I would be the only one ready and packed up with the car loaded in the morning, to just hit the road, while everybody else was sleeping. (I make every effort possible to avoid as much clusterfuckery as I can in this world). So I just stayed in the cabin that night, mostly by myself, and went to bed earlier than I had been the whole time I was at camp. In truth, I didn't really think about Pete very much, just that it was fun to spend some time with him. I liked his kiss too, but I figured I would never see him again so it didn't really matter all that much whether I liked it or not. I was mostly focused on pleasing Peter, learning all I could and remembering everything to tell him about it later.

But now...I've got both Pete and Peter in my life. It's a very odd situation. I've never been with 2 men at the same time like this, well...wait...ok, not two Dom's...I did have 2 vanilla boyfriends at one time before, and that worked for about 1.5 years. (rare and lucky). But now, it is different somehow. That vanilla time was somewhat of a transition, from living in Michigan with one guy to moving down to VA to be with the other. This time, it might be a transition from moving from DC to the 'burgh. Who knows. But it's different because there's a feeling of love for both men, real commitment and real grown-up focus and feeling, that wasn't there with those other 2 guys years ago. I'm gonna immerse myself in this for awhile.

I have a love for Peter unlike any other I've felt for anybody else EVER. But it's limited because of his marital status. I can't love him as much as I'd like to. He won't allow it. With Pete, I can. But I'm a bit overwhelmed by that. I mean, camp gave me permission to be the freaky kinky chick that I am, and it was like WOW, I can just go for it, and nobody CARES! Nobody judges me, nobody criticizes or condemns me, I can just go and hand out BJ coupons and everybody thinks it's great! I can walk around NAKED and nobody blinks an eye! It's so awesome! My needs are really being met for the first time EVER...for longer than just a few hours at at a time!!

Now I'm feeling some of that with Pete in a similar way. "Wow, we can actually KISS in PUBLIC, which I can't do with Peter, and I don't have to worry that somebody might see me and get Peter into trouble...and wow, I can actually STAY THE NIGHT in his BED, the WHOLE NIGHT...I can't do that with Peter...so I'm feeling a sense of being FREE with Pete, that I can't feel with Peter.

Anyway, those are my thoughts for the day. Onto the 8th time of listening to the new CD by Journey...I'm gonna memorize every word, of every song, for the concert in Ohio that I'm going to with Pete...we'll be there in September!! WOO HOOO!!!

Love, Sassy Girl