WTF happened...

...this morning, I was convinced that Pete was a puke, and I would stay home this weekend because I'm disgusted by this whole load of hooey. Somehow, I don't know exactly what happened, he just started saying, "So when you come visit me this weekend..." and I just started to say, "Yeah sure okay that sounds good, hey yeah..." without even realizing what the hell I was doing. How the HECK did he DO that?? Dammit. Dammit dammit dammit. Somebody kick me, cuz I can't reach my own ass.

I had a situation similar to this once before in my 20's. I went to a dance club bar with a couple of girlfriends for New Years' Eve. This guy across the room zoned in on me, and started schmoozing me, telling me I was the sexiest looking chick in the whole place, and would I save him every slow dance, etc., etc., and I thought, "HA! Ya think I was born yesterday don'tcha pipsqueak?" and I just nodded and smiled, thinking he was a bonehead...but he really did spend the whole evening talking to me, and dancing with me, and we kinda hit it off. So I ended up taking him HOME WITH ME, thinking, "I'm gonna have a one night stand!" ---(the one and ONLY time I ever did that in my whole life)---but instead of just shaiking my hand in the morning and never seeing me again, which is what I fully expected---in fact, that's what I did to HIM, shook his hand, and said "It's been fun, thanks...see ya round..." but to my surprise, he said, "Oh noooo, I want to bring you home with me to MEET MY PARENTS!!" So, on New Years' Day, that's what I did. Freaked me right the hell OUT.

Anyway, so this whole thing with Pete has been freaking me right the hell out in a similar way. I mean, when I met PETER, he told me he'd be in my life "forever" and I just laughed in his face about it. Nobody has been in my life "forever," and especially not a man. So I figured he's puttin' on the schmooze too, and I don't believe a word of it.

Well, that's how I am with Pete now too. I don't believe a word out of his gob, especially all the "commitment" and "love" and "spend the next 40 years together" kind of talk. Frankly I think he's full of shit. But still, he persists. And that's odd. I mean, damn, I haven't exactly been a picnic. Why does he stick around?

Peter persisted too, and so far it's been two years, of roller coaster ride fiasco, sure, but that's longer than I ever thought he'd stick around. I have a knack for pushing people away when they get too close. Peter must have somehow known that and just kept bugging me and pestering me, and he just ended up working it out somehow. To this day I don't know how the hell he put up with me. But he does, and for that I'm grateful. I didn't think any guy would stick around that long. I am a pain in the ass, after all. I pride myself on that sometimes. :) Gotta keep 'em on their toes, right? I mean all they've ever done in MY life is give me a hard time. Now it's payback time fellas.

I like Pete. I genuinely like him. A lot. More than I probably should. In fact I really think I'm an idiot for falling for a finger-fuck on a massage table at a BDSM camp. That is all I thought it would be, nothing more. I didn't expect him to show up for the "worship the male appendage class," either. And again I thought that's all it would be, that's all it was, just a penis for me to learn on, so I could go home and fascinate PETER with the new techniques. I did NOT expect all of this. I figured, "Ok so I'll go to Pittsburgh once, so I can say I've actually been there one time in my life, no big whoop. If he is a jerk, one weekend won't kill me."

And now it's going on the third time. Then soon after, the 4th of July will be the 4th trip...and he's got an entire YEAR LONG CALENDAR of plans that he sent me in email, visiting me in DC, going to various BDSM events and dungeons, etc., and my visiting him...I mean he's got this whole elaborate thing all planned out...it's the weirdest thing I've ever seen in my whole life. NOBODY plans that far ahead for anything, do they?! I mean wow, Peter is lucky if he knows what time we can have lunch together the day BEFORE it happens. It's all "fly by the seat of his pants" when it comes to scheduling visits with me. That is what I am used to. Not this calendar thing, with every weekend spoken for.

I have never had much of a social life. I've been a hermit for about, oh, at least 10years...didn't date for much of that time either. I think I have very little experience in the whole dating world than most 40 year olds should have. But my momma always said I was a late bloomer in just about everything. So this is no shock to me. Pete has been married twice, and divorced twice. All of his kids are grown. He is free, single, happy-go-lucky most of the time, and he could have a dozen women knocking down his door...(and he HAS had a dozen in his bed for almost a year now)... so I don't know how the HELL he suddenly got a whiff of me and decided "that's it." Especially when it's really NOT "it," and he keeps sleeping with them anyway. He's a walking bundle of contradictions, a plethora of mixed signals, and he confuses the hell outta me.

But I've always been a loner. I don't trust anybody. People are shits. I think people are a pestilence to our society. I really do. Humans are hateful beasts, rude and arrogant, destructive and evil. The more I know of people the more I avoid them. I've been anti-social for a long long time, and that comes from working at the Museum with 5,000 people a day breathing their germs in my FACE 6 days a week, 8 hours every damned day, asking me where the @#$%! bathrooms are every 5 seconds. I began to get so fed up with people in my face all the time, I started to become rather beliggerant (sp?), telling them there WERE no bathrooms, and ain't that a silly connundrum, but what can ya do...poor schmucks actually believed me...so I started saying all kinds of stupid horseshit just to get them the hell away from me. "Yeah, Hitler was a real playboy, you should go back to the 3rd floor and read all about his sex life...it's quite a doozy..." and they'd say in shock, "Wow I must have missed that part, okay I'll go back up and look for that..." HAHAHAHAHAHA... there was no such section in the exhibition. Dumb-asses. Pay attention next time.

So if I start to sense somebody getting in my face, or getting too close or smothering me with too much attention, or GOD FORBID being too damned NICE to me, I get a case of the skittishness and the "talk to the hand" attitude, and I start to get rather lippy and bitchy and irritable. It's because I just don't understand it. I'm a jinx on men, and pretty much everybody in my life actually. I cause people upset, without even knowing how I did it. I cause people to become angry and irate sometimes, I don't know how, but that's the reaction I often get. I cause my family to resent me, simply by trying to get a life of my own somewhere else. Somehow, without really trying, I've managed to piss off, annoy, and cause grief to just about everyone in my life, without understanding how the hell I did it. Just from being myself. So I stopped doing it. I just stopped interacting. I didn't trust myself around anybody anymore. Something weird about me, I'm not normal, there's something wrong. I'm a freak. And then the whole BDSM thing didn't help my feelings to go away, they only intensified. I felt like the most misunderstood, wrongfully accused, and freakish human on earth.

And so that's where I've been sitting for nearly 15 years of my life, maybe longer, I don't even really know. The whole BDSM thing has only been 10 years of it, but it went on long before that. So when a guy comes along like Peter did, and sticks by me no matter how horrible I am, no matter how mean and rotten I can be, no matter how PMS takes over, or how angry and unruly I become, he is still there for me. That blows my mind. He is the FIRST ONE to ever do that.

But now this other Pete, well, he's apparently trying to be the same thing Peter is to me, in the same way. Only difference is, sure he's single, but he's got these other vanilla hags chasing his ass around in the bedroom. That, I cannot abide. If they were submissive chickies, I could deal with it, because we subbie's have a different mind-set, a whole different head-space, and in the BSDM community, we are all FAMILY, and therefore, we have a mutual RESPECT for each other's relationships, we don't go pushing our way into somebody else's Dom/sub relationship to steal somebody away...that's just not the proper protocol or etiquette. It's the way of the vanilla, and we tend to rise above that hoi-paloi (a 1930's term ya'll, go look it up on Wikipedia), and we just don't do things the same way they do. So I can DEAL with a subbie who wants to get her ass beat by my Dom, because the Dom enjoys the power exchange, she enjoys the pain/pleasure aspect, and everybody's happy, but he comes back to ME. See what I mean? In the vanilla life, they don't come back.

And so...when a vanilla chick sticks out her claws and calls me a "Betty Boop type," meaning I'm a slut, and he jumps in the sack with her...he might not come back.

God I'm pathetic. I have a stupid frustrating goddamned fear of abandonment like every other stupid damned woman with a daddy-issue. Sonofabitch. I've known that for many years, but ya know, the more I think about it, the more I realize that that is really the crux of the matter. I don't want to get too close to Pete because he lives too damned far away and anybody could just come along and take him away from me, especially when I am not around, and he would LET THEM too, I just know it, because he's let them into his bed twice now.......so of course, it's only natural for me to think that I'd better not trust a word out of his stupid fat mouth and I'd better not listen to his schmoozing, and holy HELL I'd better not FALL FOR any of it either, ya dumbass stupid girl. Just tell him to bite your ass, stay home, and be mean to him. He was just a finger-fuck on a massage table at a BDSM club. That's IT.

.......and yet I am going to visit him again this coming weekend, despite my saying I wouldn't.

Somebody just smack me upside the head. He's gonna keep fucking vanilla women. And yet, I am still going.

But I won't be giving up Peter for him or anybody else. Ever. So that's the deal breaker right there, giving me some ultimatum about Peter is like the kiss of death. Peter will remain in my life as my platonic friend forever, I will keep in touch with him as long as I live, no matter where I go or what I do. If the man in my life doesn't like that, then he can take a flying leap. That was the absolute WRONG thing to do, bucko. No contest. I'd stick with an unattainable married Dom that I've loved for 2 years, rather than to risk the whole "he could go POOF the next time a vanilla bitch knocks on his bedroom door" kinda guy.

There is just no sense of security with Pete. And that's what I need most from a guy. I mean shit, everybody wants to feel secure nowadays, when there is very little security of any kind out there anymore, right? I'm certainly not the only one who feels that need. I just keep barking up the wrong tree, a day late and a dollar short, finding the impossible situation with the impossible guy. WHY THE HELL DO I DO THAT?? It's maddening. It's a wonder I am not certifiable.

After all, Pete has two ex-wives that I would have to deal with. One is the mother of his kids, ya know? And I gotta deal with four of THOSE too. It's a packaged deal with HIM, to have 2 vanilla ex's to deal with, and four kids, forever...so he can just put up or shut up about my Peter. He doesn't have much choice in the matter. This is me, take it or leave it, the good the bad and the ugly. If you can't be man enough to handle it, then I can't be sub enough to go there with you Pete. That's really the bottom line. I'm scared to death of this whole thing. I really am. So let me have my security blanket, or I'll close up shop and become a hermit again.

Love, Sassy Girl

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