My apologies to anyone out there, including Pete, who read my previous post and became upset. Apparently when I say these exact same things on the phone the night before, the upset reaction isn't expressed to me until the following morning, and ONLY when I express MY confusion, am I told to wait until he thinks it over first. Then my phone call is not answered. Then I'm told he is not going to be online.

Apparently I am expected to apologize for his passive aggressiveness. And so I have.

Too bad I can't videotape my meltdown and hysterical crying with Peter yesterday, to show just how upset I have been feeling about everything going on, and how hard this is for me, in addition to being obliterated emotionally with the fact that I was with both Pete and Peter in the same day.

Maybe then I wouldn't be judged so harshly and criticized and have anger aimed at me if others could see all that. But they can't.

The way I see things, this transitional shit and "sharing me" crap isn't working between these so-called "Dom's" who swore and agreed they could. I am the one who feels like this agreement has been breached, they just cannot do it. So another promise broken, okay fine, that's apparently what men do best.

All I know is, it seems the best answer is either to slit my wrists, so that neither of them will have me, or just make a clean break and suffer in silence with the pain and heartache of abruptly changing everything once I get to Pittsburgh.

Either way, listen up fellas, because whatever happens from this point on, doesn't really matter, because I'm gonna hurt no matter what, for a very long time.

Now I am wondering if either of them can truly handle THAT, much less this "sharing me" shit, which is apparently an exercise in futility.

Here is what Peter said today during our chat...for anyone who gives a shit...and to those people out there reading this crap who claim "they saw this coming," thanks for the warning, you sadistic bunch of blog-addicted fucks.
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[11:13] PETER: do you want my opinion?
[11:13] ME: yes
[11:15] PETER: i think what pete is offering, both from the relationship aspect and the quality of life aspect (pittsburgh, home life, cost of living, people, atmosphere, and city), are vastly better than what you have here.
[11:15] PETER: and that's just a cold assessment that doesn't take your own feelings into account
[11:15] PETER: what you and I have is special and deep and touches areas within you that needed to be reawakened.
[11:16] PETER: what you and I have cannot be replaced, nor should it be
[11:16] PETER: as i told you more clearly last night, the difference in you over the past couple months since you've known pete is astonishing and clear
[11:17] PETER: the parts of your own life and heart that he has touched and that you have allowed have caused you to blossom in ways that i think many people who know you have wished for and are very happy to see -- which is why they tell you to go for it
[11:17] PETER: these folks are NOT trying to get rid of you
[11:18] PETER: nor are they simply telling you what they think you want to hear
[11:36] PETER: pete is a guy with feelings and emotions and not a cold fish. i've been told on many occasions that I am way too damn stoic and border on coldness. so for pete to express his feelings, even to the point of putting off a phone call is not a bad thing at all. because he did still talk to you and will always talk to you
[11:41] PETER: and your feelings for pete have scared the crap out of you for that very reason
[11:41] ME: so then what would you suggest.
[11:43] PETER: i think that any transition from me to pete is difficult if not impossible without me and pete meeting -- for your sake.
[11:43] ME: he may not want to now
[11:43] PETER: i think that "sharing" is not an easy situation, certainly one that pete is becoming less understanding of because his feelings for you are deepening
[11:44] PETER: he may not want to, and if not i can respect that too
[11:44] PETER: you may not want us to now
[11:44] ME: right now i feel like dumping you both.

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Well here's the way I see things...bottom line: I am FRIED.

1. if my blog is the cause of upset, then I'll delete the goddamned thing once and for all, and NOBODY will know my inner thoughts ever again.

2. if 2 men ever say they will be happy to "share me" ever again, I will call them liars and dump them both cold. TO ALL MEN: Stop promising me shit you cannot deliver.

3. if the two of them keep driving me fucking crazy, I'll have no choice really but to just dump them both cold and be on my way living my shitty life in poverty and misery from now on, CELIBATE. I've had enough. You can keep your goddamned soap opera bullshit. Both of you. I don't need the hassle. Grow the fuck up and be the Dom's I need you to be.

...I deserve better than this.

Go share animal crackers with each other from now on, perhaps we should have started out with something like that that is much less challenging than a very fragile and emotional submissive who wants nothing more in life than to please both men.

Can they actually meet in person face-to-face? I highly doubt it. Neither of them were able to really rise to the challenge of sharing me, so what makes me think they can rise to that challenge? I'll believe it when I fucking see it. SHOW ME, both of you, or just shut the fuck up with the promises. Is that enough clarification for you? Good. Now maybe we can all play nice from now on. If not, I will just die alone. At this point, I just don't care either way.

---Sassy Girl