There really IS no choice

I am being told that I have a choice in this situation. Sure, from the outsider's point of view, it probably seems that way. I've decided to handle this thing with Pete and Peter in the exact OPPOSITE way that my gut is telling me to. Example, when Pete tells me he's upset and can't talk about it, my gut says, "fine, whatever, go away and I don't want to talk to you anyway if you're gonna be mad at me for something I don't understand, just go away and leave me alone." But then, the opposite of that is, "Talk to me, tell me what's wrong NOW and let's just get it overwith and work it out." That is not the usual way I would be.

I've been an outsider looking in all my life. Nobody has ever offered me a LIFE before. Nobody has eagerly, willingly, voluntarily, stepped up to say "I want ALL of you," like Pete has; at the most I've only been offered sexual favors, a little sprinkling of D/s here and there, and promises that have never been kept.

Here in DC, I am existing. I am struggling every day just to get THROUGH the day. I am struggling to pay the bills, struggling to keep my sanity, struggling through traffic jams and loud noises everywhere, struggling to deal with stress, (and failing miserably at it mostly), and frankly I'm tired of the goddamned struggle.

Does that mean I'm selling out to get an "M-R-S Degree" like all the friends I once knew in college? No. I am an independent person, I need to have a life of my OWN, a job of my own, money of my own...I don't want to become financially dependent on a man I've only known since Memorial Day....that is just CRAZY if you ask me. But okay, I'll do the opposite of what I normally would, and just throw caution to the wind and TRUST IT for once, and hope for the best, and try to be OPTIMISTIC.

*GASP!!!* (Did she say OPTIMISTIC?) My God, the sky is falling. It truly is.

But to actually be given the opportunity to SHARE A LIFE with someone, is a very foreign concept to me, to really have someone there ALL THE TIME who can give me a spanking whenever I need one...not having to wait and watch the calendar or the clock and hope and pray that he can stay just a little longer each time...having someone there ALL the time that I can TALK to...not just a silly dog who smiles at me and says 'rub my belly' back to me no matter what subject I try to bring up... to actually have somebody THERE, all the time, every day, every night, to hold me, to let me cry, to let me have meltdowns, to be there to SEE them, to try and handle me and to comfort me when I need it.......I've never had those things. Ever.

Sometimes life has a way of kicking us in the butt to make us move whether we want to or not. So no, I disagree, there really IS no choice in this matter. The choice is, stay in DC and struggle, and just merely exist, begging Peter for more of his time, lying to myself thinking my life is actually going along pretty well here, when I know deep down it's not. Shit, everybody AROUND me knows it's not. It's glaringly obvious that to stay here will only be putting off the misery of facing homelessness when David returns to this house with his new bride...and any future bouts of unemployment, or disappointment if this job doesn't turn into permanent like the other one didn't...I can't keep beating a dead horse. The Museum and Peter are the only 2 things keeping me here in this godforsaken hellhole of DC. And neither of them are ever going to happen. So, what "choice" then, is there really??

I told Pete that I'm not going to lie and say the sex with Peter isn't great, because it is. And for 2.5 years, that is what I have become accustomed to, and for me to just "turn that off" is very difficult. But ok, fine, I will sacrifice it. I will do the opposite, which would be running back to Peter and staying here with him because I feel loyalty and love for him and God how can I please him if he's not around anymore......to, "ok fine, clean break, all done, moving on." Women have always had to sacrifice some kind of passion for the life and security of marriage, right? So why am I so different from everybody else. The answer: I am not.

Things with Peter have been tumultuous, heartbreaking at times, difficult, upsetting, crazy...it has not all been fun. We have had a tough road, getting to this point, where we are both solid and trusting of each other, where we can talk about anything and not have an argument about it, we have finally reached a plateau that has been enjoyable. But, at what price? I cry nearly every time he leaves, or even while he's with me...like yesterday...or even when he goes to shower first...sometimes I cry then too. It's just killing me slowly, this love for a married man. If I stay here with him, it is certain emotional death, if not physical. And for him NOT to break this off with me to 'do what's in my best interest' as he CLAIMS to want to do, making ME be the one to end things, is a chickenshit cop-out. As a matter of fact, I confronted him on this just now:

ME: why won't you just let me go
Peter: i am being the Dom you need by asking these questions all along, making sure that your head and your heart and your pocketbook are taken care of, and taken care of in a manner that is best for you in the long term. trust me, i have been paying close attention to this for the whole time
[13:57] Peter: and i will let you go, girl. the timing of that has had much to do with the transition and your feelings for pete, his feelings for you, making sure that its something that will "stick" and that this is best for you. its been a whirlwind and quick, and if there has been any slowing down that I've been applying to you its only to give you both more time to be thoughtful and make sure that the details are worked and that you will be HAPPY
Peter: i know it is in your best interest, absolutely. i've known this since you first went up to see him.
Peter: what i would NOT do is release you quickly, just after you met him, as if I were looking for an excuse to get rid of you. i was not.
ME: that is what i need
Peter: and that is what i've been giving you and will continue to give you
Peter: far from holding you back, i've been encouraging HEALTHY growth and relationships. this has come quicker than either of us expected, but it is a good thing for you.
Peter: what i DO NOT want you to feel is that i've been pushing you away, because that is not the case
ME: i know
Peter: pushing you to engage in healthy friendships, building connections with people, walking through some of the opening doors and windows in your life.
Peter: all to enhance your life and your relationships, not to replace anything and anyone.
Peter: pete is not replacing me, he is adding a great deal to you and your life
ME: ok
[14:03] Peter: so you two work out the finances and then you let me know what the schedule is
[14:04] ME: ok
[14:04] Peter: i will not make you feel that i am just dropping you this afternoon in the face of some difficulty about seeing you last night. this is all still a part of you moving forward and setting your own pace, taking care of yourself, and growing
[14:04] Peter: *hugs you tightly*
[14:05] ME: ok

Peter: i was going to let you go when the time was right. i was not waiting to be asked, though i knew that was possible
[14:09] ME: ok.
[14:09] Peter: if you remember a couple weeks ago i mentioned something to you about standing on the edge of a cliff and sometimes you need to be pushed off so you can fly....
[14:09] Peter: i was hinting at it
[14:10] ME: i took that as, "go away"
[14:10] Peter: but you had to be ready to fly before i would consider doing that
[14:10] Peter: bah. that wasn't it at all.
[14:10] ME: i'll never be ready if i sit here in indecision for months and months
[14:10] Peter: flying is the same as soaring and lifting higher and better and seeing more and doing more and growing far beyond being bound to the earth. not pushing you away

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Well, so okay then....I guess...I don't know what the hell to say now. So I guess I will shut up now and just write my letter of resignation and start packing. There really is no choice here, none whatsoever.

---Sassy Girl