My thoughts about all this mess

After writing back and forth with Pete all day, these are my summarized thoughts that I just sent him:
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You have a strategy for being able to attack computer bugs and figure them out, you can see the big picture of them and how to make them work right. You do well at this.



Therefore, you need to apply this same ability to our relationship. You need to lead by example, Pete, and so far you're not making me feel very secure because:

1. You express interest in D--- wanting to join us in a poly relationship, and playing with her in the dungeon, at the same time, walking away from 6 other women abruptly, leaving them to deal with the new needs you've revealed to them for the first time, on their own.

2. I balk and protest about vanilla women, and each time I do, it seems that I get yelled at for it---and this time, accused of "blowing it out of proportion" and "putting words in your mouth."

3. Then you compare me to [your 2nd ex-wife]. Bad move.

4. Then you give me shit about Peter and "what will I gain from him," etc. Very bad move.

5. Then you send my personal blog entry to a woman I've never met, without asking me.

6. And on top of all THIS, you tell me you "want me right now." And I hear the flipside of that sentence, "I'm impulsive, I'm fickle, and right NOW I want you but I may not tomorrow, and since it's so easy for me to dump women cold turkey, look out because I may do that to you at some point soon too."

You have good intentions Pete. You don't mean to do these things, I know that. You just aren't thinking things through very well, you're not taking your time to work things out before you open your stupid gob, and it's only making things worse.

THINK STRATEGICALLY, LIKE YOU DO WHEN YOU HAVE TO SOLVE A BUG AT WORK. Lead by example, SHOW me that you have integrity, SHOW me that you are sincere, SHOW ME that you mean what you say and say what you mean, don't just skim along on the surface of the words. SHOW ME. Your actions are very different from what you say, Pete, and that is the big conflict I am seeing.

Step 1: Think about how mentioning D----, the 4th vanilla woman in one month, right after talking about marriage with me, will affect me and anticipate what reaction you may get from me. Timing is everything. Yours was very poor this time.

Step 2: Think about how comparing me to [your 2nd wife] is going to make things better. Will it? What will that accomplish exactly? What good could possibly come out of doing that?

Step 3: Think about how attacking my relationship with Peter will go over before you lash out at me for not doing the same thing you've done with your other women. What will that accomplish exactly, and how will that make things better? (It won't).

Step 4: Before sending my blog entry to anybody, you should have ASKED my permission first. It's a public forum, sure, but that entry was a private "members only" thing.

Step 5: Then ask YOURSELF: What are the reactions you expect to receive from [the woman you sent it to], and from me, in doing that without first talking with me about it? How will those reactions escalate the problems we are currently discussing? What do you hope to achieve by it?

Pete, if [the woman you sent my blog to] is so depressed and suicidal all the time, do you REALLY think it's going to cheer her UP reading about someone ELSE'S depression? Do you even know what EMPATHY really IS? She is going to see that and say, "Great, another depressed woman, and isn't that lovely that Pete has her in his life, AND me to deal with, I've been such a burden and now she is too...happy happy joy joy, the world sucks, everybody's depressed, fuck it." You would have been better off sending her the friggin' Dr. Seuss poem I wrote. THAT might have given her a smile at least.

Step 6: Take care of the loose ends you've left with the women you've dumped, resolve the conflict, help them to find Dom's of their own, be their mentors, don't just walk away. Show them, and me, that you have integrity, you're NOT just a jerk who used them and dumped them when the new "toy" comes along. Take responsibility for what you've opened as the can of worms of trying to convert vanilla women to BDSM. Fix the old toys first before moving on to the new "toy."

Step 7: Realize that if I didn't give a fuck about you, I would not sit here all goddamned day writing to you, trying to communicate to you, and trying to make you understand me.

Step 8: Realize also, that I have little or no tolerance whatsoever for roller coaster rides. I need stability, I need security, I need calmness, I need dependability. I need integrity, sincerity, and leading by example. I do NOT need a surfacey, fickle, impulsive, "gee I'm his favorite toy right NOW but hey tomorrow he might not like me anymore." I can get that from any idiot vanilla jerk on the planet.

Step 9: Communicate what you want from me in a relationship, and let's just let tomorrow wait until tomorrow. Deal with today, the NOW, like you SAID you were going to do. Talking about future stuff and marriage and the next 40 years, is moot. It is just words that fly to the wind. I don't trust them, I don't believe them, and I'm not going to get sucked into them without first knowing that I'm secure in those other ways.

Step 10: Don't smother me, but don't abandon me either. Stick by me, and I'll do the same. It's not always going to be easy, I am not a picnic, and we will both be challenged. Accept this if you feel you can rise to that challenge. If you feel you cannot, then we need to just agree to disagree about everything, and move on. I am willing to rise to the challenge if you are, but this shit has GOT to get resolved before we can venture forth.

Love, [SASSY GIRL]