Reeling

I think my mom must still be passed out on the floor after reading my email about wanting advice regarding love and marriage. She hasn't written back yet. Of course she has sent me several JOKES in email since then, which is pretty much all she ever sends me...but okay, maybe no news is good news and I should just let it slide.

She's never really been much of an advice-giver about love though, she just wanted me to give her grandbabies starting when I was 16 years old...and then she told me to run in the opposite direction if I feel that a guy is "Mr. Right," because that means I'm "hooking up with someone just like my dad." And of course, it was inferred that that idea was a fate worse than death. Probably that's why I am 40 and still single and childless...ya think? Good ole mom.

My best friend told me "If you let this guy smother you, I know how you are, you want to make him happy so you won't say anything while it's happening, but you'll just up and run away one day and never speak to him again..." (she's right). I tend to run out the door if I feel like I'm being suffocated in a relationship or losing my SELF in someone else. She's known me since I was 15, and she understands my skittishness. Not many people do.

See, all my life I have been an outsider looking in. No matter what direction I turned. Not quite involved in anything or with anybody. Just observing mostly, sticking to the sidelines, fading into the woodwork, not really participating much. I felt like I was actually not MEANT to be involved, not MEANT to be participating. Weird things happened sometimes, like meeting Steve Perry twice, which I never expected to happen in a million years...but mostly I felt like I was supposed to just observe, learn from others, and write it all down. So that's what I've spent most of my life doing. Sometimes I would wonder what it's like, to be "out there" doing things that everybody else seemed to be doing. Other times, I was glad NOT to be "out there." The safety of my hermit lifestyle and solitary cocoon has been enough for me for most of my 40 years on this planet. Or, at least, it's been a habit that I never realized I should even try to break. It was safe there.

Suddenly I am being dragged out of this cocoon into participating, surrounded by Pete's "peeps" and going places, seeing new things, doing new things, thrust out into the open, involved, engaged---and completely overwhelmed and freaked out by it.

It's an interesting thing, to have my pen-pal from Ghana here at the same time this is all happening to me, because we are going through very similar experiences...
seeing and doing new things for the very first time...participating in life, doing things that we never expected to be doing while living in a strange place we've never been before...the parallel of Ben's culture shock and my own overwhelming feelings has not been lost on me. I think that's why I feel the need to take care of him while he's here. I have to admit, I feel just as lost as he does right now. Maybe "lost" isn't the right word, but I feel rather shocked by the new culture I am suddenly thrown into, just like he is.

The last time I blinked, I was laying beside Peter in my bed, cuddling close to him, whispering in his ear, feeling calm and content, the same ole routine of his weekly visits something that I am used to, going to work, coming home, going to bed, spending a couple hours with him and then POOF he's gone......nothing else going on really, just the daily mundane routine and an occasional romp with the Petey-Pete-sexy-meat. Weekends were boring, but I was able to relax and work on projects around the house, or spend time with my dog. That's all my life really consisted of, with some unemployment tossed in here and there for good measure. I already know I will never find a job that I love ever again like I used to love the Museum. So why bust my ass for a place I don't care about, or people I don't like being around. Screw it.

Then I blinked again, and suddenly, despite my many protests and rejection of the idea, I found myself at a BDSM camp.

And there was Pete.

And now I find myself on this whirlwind roller coaster ride, wondering what the hell happened. How the hell did all this just suddenly burst into my world like it has?

I guess you could say I am reeling from it all, still trying to catch up with the overload of emotions that I've had washing over me this past month of knowing him. He's a busy guy, always on the go, always surrounded by people, always involved, doing things, going places, laughing a lot.....while I am still fading into the woodwork whenever possible, wanting alone time, unable to relax, escaping with the dog to go for walks alone as often as possible, observing from a distance, trying to learn how to bridge that gap without freaking out or feeling like I'm about to hyperventilate.

Peter's gone to San Diego this week for his job, so I haven't been able to really talk to him much since early last week. I miss him. I told him Pete asked me to remove the necklace he had given me, and how it upset me, and I felt somewhat frantic without it until I put it back on. Peter said it was perfectly within Pete's rights as my new Dom to ask such a thing, but that he was glad I put it back on too.

Well, I'm reeling from all this, sure, but I guess life happens while you're waiting for other things. I'm not really sure what exactly I had been waiting for before Pete came along, but I guess now it's here...I hope he can be patient with me though. I'm not used to all this running around ragged stuff, doing so many things with so many new people, I feel like running and hiding. I just have to learn how to get used to it, I guess, but I honestly don't know how the hell I am going to do that yet. My head spins at the thought of it.

Love, Sassy Girl