The battiness of ME

What a nice weekend...I got to swim in the ocean awhile, visit with some friends awhile, see a very cool play, and then rode on a ferry with Pete and my car too!! How cool is THAT? All in all, I am in a very good mood today despite being tired. I swear Pete only needs 4 hours of sleep to keep going like the energizer bunny all day, but ME, hell no, I need 8...but hey, whatchagonnado.

I just had a fun phone call with Terry, he had me giggling the whole time because he finally figured out that I have apparently turned into my grandmother, who would complain about being hung with a new rope...no matter what it is, he says, I will decide one thing, and 20 minutes later, say "now the DOWN side of that is..." and completely change my mind!!

(WHO ME?!)

He says I do this constantly and it drives everybody batty, and he used the example of "Gee I want a man to love me, why can't anybody just love me for once...." and then Pete comes along and declares that he loves me, and I'm suddenly all like, "But I mean not THAT much, good lord, what is he, crazy? I didn't mean DEVOUR me, sheesh, back off buddy..." and then he says, when I told him I was feeling uncomfortable about the fact that he's rushing ME to move to PA and doesn't want to wait for ME to be comfortable, but yet he's wanting ME to sit and wait 2 years for actually getting hitched...which felt to me to be very unfair, and it got me upset this weekend.....so Terry says, "Ya did it again. You said, "Hell no, I'm not ready for marriage," but then he asks you to wait 2 years because he's backing off from it to make you feel less freaked out, and suddenly you say, "Well what the HELL, am I not GOOD ENOUGH for marriage? Christ, you just want to get the milk for free, and not have to buy the whole COW is that it?"

hehehehehehehehe dammit Terry pegged me.

He says, "It took me 2 years knowing you to figure that out. If he's got it figured out in 2 months, then you goddamned BETTER marry the fucker, cuz there ain't nobody ELSE on this earth that could figure you out in such a short damned time, he's a friggin' genius..."

LOLOL I hate it when somebody pegs me like that.

I told him about how Pete and I have noticed (and Peter too), that whenever Pete leaves me, to go back home during the weekdays, I have a battle with my "fear of abandonment issue," worrying that this might be the last time I ever see him, what if he's snuffed in a car wreck, etc...so I'd better push him away NOW or forever be crushed later...so I start obsessing and thinking too much about things and blowing them up into huge crises, causing myself and everybody around me needless stress...and so, Terry says, "Look, when those moments come to you, take a deep breath, tell yourself that it's just an irrational FEAR you're feeling, and let it pass without doing or saying a WORD to anybody---fight it silently---because if you keep on spewing venom in your blog, or throwing a tantrum out of nowhere, confusing the hell out of this guy, eventually he's going to say, "Forget it." And so, if THAT doesn't cause an even BIGGER fear of abandonment, he says, nothing will. So do I choose to silenty fight with myself and just take deep breaths and try NOT to go insane handling the LITTLE fear of abandonment inside my inner child, or do I keep going the way I have been and eventually CAUSE a BIGGER one to happen to me later?

I guess I'll silently battle. He's made me see the point. So I take a solemn vow in front of all you blog-addicted witnesses who read this insanity of my life every day, I will NOT cause a soap opera bunch of crap to happen this week with my own stupid irrational fear of abandonment. (I know I know, some of you are saying, "Awww, what the hell fun is THAT if I can't read about more soap opera crap?) There's always the internet chatrooms folks.

So much for the air of mystery I've been trying to keep going...very few men have ever figured this all out about me. I guess maybe I really have turned into my grandmaw...she was a total spitfire, that woman...I loved her fiercely. Miss her all the time. But it's actually somewhat comforting knowing that a tiny piece of her has somehow worked its way into ME now...even though, yes, it drives everybody (including ME) batty.

Love, Sassy Girl