My last 2 days in DC

Journey is in concert tonight, right near where I live as a matter of fact, playing at Nissan Pavillion near DC. Wish I could open my window and hear them. But I can't. Wish I could afford a ticket to go, but I can't. It's not the comforting soothing voice of Steve Perry either, so it doesn't really matter much I guess. And right now I need some comforting.

Unfortunately I was too busy having a severe meltdown to notice much of anything tonight. Or accomplish much of anything.

Peter released me tonight.

My 2.5 years of loving him more than life itself, are officially over. Before he came into my life, I wanted to die. I feel overwhelmingly dead right now too.

He gave me a small "secret box" that has a sunset over water on it, that he says I can tuck my necklace into when it's time to take it off. I don't ever want to take it off I said. But he said I will have to, soon.

At lunch today, I introduced him to Charlene, my coworker, and the two of them hit it off very well. I think they might hook up.

That was my way of releasing him, too. I would rather find someone I know and trust to replace me, than some unknown submissive chick waltzing in and taking over. It doesn't hurt that she's married too, and can't really "replace" me in his life.

But it hurts. God it fucking hurts. I'm a wreck right now. I have to go to bed.

I haven't accomplished any packing tonight. I can't function properly or think straight at the moment.

I've used up all of Pete's kleenex. Almost a whole box.

He called me and I couldn't say a word. I just cried. My eyes are swollen. I can't breathe very well through my nose right now either. I'm going to bed.

I only have one day to do so much. It makes my head spin. I am paralyzed.

Peter released me. I've never felt so scared and all alone in my whole life. Even knowing Pete is there, he's not HERE right now. He's not WITH ME. He's not hugging me. He can't, he's 4 hours away. I am all alone right now. Peter is moving on. I am moving on.

This pain in my heart is unbearable.

I can't even convey the huge sense of loss I feel right now.

I didn't expect to be released until after I moved and got settled and could think about one thing at a time and just focus on stuff that needs to be done first...now I'm completely overwhelmed and....lost.

Utterly and totally lost.

I guess this is meltdown #1 of probably a very long series of them in the coming months. I guess I should get used to them.

Right now, though, as irrational as it may sound, I can't help but feel like I don't belong to anybody----and sure, I've been single for 40 years, so I should be used to that feeling---and I thought I was...but I feel so lost and empty right now...I don't belong to anybody really, but my dog.

I've been released.

And I have no collar from Pete yet, so I feel like I don't belong to anyone.

Sure, I'm Pete's girlfriend. But I feel like I've been stripped of my badge or something, and I'm unprotected and all alone.

This searing pain in my heart is just horrible.

I have to go.

Journey's in concert next door to me, but despite their closeness, I can't hear them. I've never felt so lonely in my whole life as I do right now.

God, please help me get through this.

---Sassy Girl