The universe is skewed

So this woman who works at my current job and does all the supply ordering is the biggest hoarder and PIA (pain-in-the-ass) of everybody in the place, and it's like pulling teeth to get her to give our training department any supplies. She's a friggin' ADMIN, for pete's sake, it's not like she's some Executive person who can't be bothered by trivial shit like cups and utensils. But she IS the type of pain-in-the-ass who needs written justification for those cups and plastic utensils. Yeah...that kinda chick. MMM hmmm. Ya'll know at least one of these, don'tcha?

So today, because she's the type of hag who has to know everything that's going on at all times, and what everybody's doing, I felt a bit like rabble rousing just because I can, and I tell her to her face that we need plastic utensils. She says with a scowl, "I can't give you any right now, send me an email later and I'll see what I can do." (They are supposed to be accessible to everyone who needs them, stored in the supply room area, but she hides the boxes in her office).

So, she sends out an email telling us not to use the right elevator...I wrote back and said, "Can I still use the wrong one? haha..." (just to be a noodge) and then I reiterate that we need those supplies. She writes back after going into the HR Department's office, (possibly to complain about me, who knows), telling me they are on her desk in a bag and I can come get them even if she's not there. I wrote back and said she's GREAT and thank you SO MUCH, and she wrote back and said "thanks sweet pea." Heh. Sweet pea?! WTF? Now I'm a vegetable? I had to force myself not to write back, "You're so welcome, brussel sprout."

I just love how stupid and petty people are, don't you? It's just so endearing. (NOT). I could figure out a way to leave a plastic fork strategically placed on her chair, sticking straight up, if I were so inclined, but I won't.

When I needed adhesive fasteners for my file folders, she told me she had placed an order for them, but 5 weeks went by and still I did not have them. I finally wrote to her and said, "I'll just stop by Staples and get some, you can reimburse me," but of course, I knew that would be a slap in the face---nobody likes doing petty cash reimbursements and I knew she wouldn't either---so the next day, she brought me an entire box that she's had "for years, but forgot about." Yeahhhhh, right. Hoarder.

Another petty thing that happened yesterday was the interview I attended...two women greeted me in Pittsburgh with smiles and friendly conversation. They seemed to like me, and my abilities and experience. They seemed impressed when I came up with (an obvious and common sensical) idea for their upcoming October fundraiser. When they said they have a huge party tent all reserved for this shin-dig happening outside, which is a masquerade ball, my first reaction was, "so have you ordered any HEAT to go with that tent?" Because hey, if I'm a rich chick attending a fundraising event and I am scantily-clad in a costume, I'm gonna freeze my ass off, and I would leave in 10 minutes without giving anybody one thin dime of my money, to go find someplace WARMER. Ya know? Just seems to make sense, but then again, what do I know.

Then, a man joins us late, while these 2 women are oohing and ahhing over my suggestion and making notes so they can go and do this heat thing, when he says, "I think inviting 600 or more people will generate more than enough body heat, so that is an unnecessary expense." I just looked at him and blinked. He's one of THOSE, I thought. You see, he's the Director of Development, and, having had experience with those kinds of guys in DC, I knew he was miffed that HE did not think of this idea himself. So of course he will poo-poo anything I suggest or come up with. I knew right then I would not like working for this guy. Then he continued on with a very belligerrant and obnoxious behavior, offending everyone in the room, treating me like absolute CRAP the whole time---telling me he didn't think I was a good fit for the job because "I haven't had enough experience in fundraising." I'm like, "Dude, did you even READ my RESUME? I've got LOTS of experience in fundraising, ya retarded ass-faced schnook." And when I pointed this out, literally pointing at my resume where it says "fundraising" right there in black ink, he got even more miffed. I'm like, "This guy is a putz."

In fact, when he basically just dismissed me rudely from the entire "non-official" interview (that's what he called it), I overheard the one lady take him aside as I walked out the door, and yell at him behind the closed door. Then I get back home and discover an email from her, apologizing to me for his behavior. I almost said, "Honey, save your breath, it's HE who should be apologizing, not you." But instead I just thanked her for the interview and tried to be professional about it.

Anyway, so the unbelievable pettiness of people really amazes me. Today Pete got upset with me because I cancelled the meeting between him and Peter which was scheduled for yesterday evening. He was miffed because I didn't include HIM on the decision to cancel. But ya know what? The whole thing orginally started out as, I wanted PETER to meet HIM, so I could get PERMISSION to date him...because this guy has come out of nowhere to try and steal me away from Peter, (at least that is how it felt), so AT FIRST, that is how I viewed the situation. I wanted this new guy from camp to meet MY DOM.

However, as things have evolved with Pete, and as he's expressed interest in becoming my new Dom, that vision has shifted obviously, to having a MUTUAL MEETING between all of us, so they can talk amongst themselves, and I thought in my naiive way, they might become friends even, and wouldn't that be nice, for them to share me and be friends too? I even gave them each other's email address in hopes that maybe they would arrange some kind of naughty fun threesome amongst us all, but to this date, they have exchanged exactly TWO emails. That's it. So, again, my naiive hope for this mutual friendship is apparently not happening.

Yeahhhh well, I'm an idiot I guess, for being so naiive...because then over the past weekend it was made known to me that, when they do meet in person, Pete might possibly bring up the subject that he disagrees with Peter about, the whole "releasing me" thing, (see previous post)...Pete thinks Peter is in the wrong about it, even though I think it is reasonable and makes sense and is fair. Pete also said he might possibly mention the necklace I'm wearing.

This makes me feel very uncomfortable.

Not to mention the fact that Peter had to work later than usual, and Pete was taking medication that I expected would make him feel bad all evening long...so I figured ok, it's not a good day for any of us, let's just postpone it then. I told Peter that I felt awkward and uncomfortable, and he said, "Ok, that's fine, we can do it another time, no worries." I told Pete that we cancelled the meeting, and he got all upset.

These things have made me feel like perhaps the meeting should NOT take place at all, EVER, because they see very differently on both subjects and about me in general, and I am already feeling stuck in the middle between them, so I don't need anymore stress or awkward problems to come up. I'm already a friggin' nervous wreck about all this moving stuff as it is.

I know the whole reason Pete came back to VA with me after driving me to the interview was to meet Peter, but at the same time, I tried to talk him out of it the whole weekend. I even told Pete point-blank that I didn't want him to bring up those subjects at all, I wanted it to be a simple, easy and friendly conversation about other things, just a light handshake and meeting for a few minutes, that is all. Nothing more. Not some heated debate about machismo crap and acting like they each own me or something, because neither of them DO or ever WILL if they turn into savage beasts like that. It's a huge turn-off to me to have jealousy rear its ugly head in something this delicate and fragile. Ya know? It's too petty and I don't like it one bit.

Peter already said to me that as the date gets closer for me to move, I'm going to become more and more "weird," (as he put it) about the two of them, and possibly I will become more irritable and upset and have more meltdowns than before. He fully expects these things and is prepared to deal with them, whereas Pete has no clue really, until it happens. But Peter is right, all of those things WILL happen with me, I already know it, I dread it, and I don't know how to avoid any of it either.

Since Pete has a dozen or more female friends around in Pittsburgh to go hang out with and talk to and chat with and go do things with, and since I will have NOBODY AT ALL except Vixen if she's not busy, it seems to me that if he gives me a hard time whenever I contact Peter or any other friend I've got in DC or elsewhere, I will not be happy. So that is where I extended the thought that maybe moving is not a good idea. He didn't see the connection of these two issues, but I see it perfectly clear---I will have nobody to go out and do things with, except Pete. HE will have a ton of possible people to go and have fun with---and so my only source of entertainment and companionship will be HIM, and I'm just not so sure that's going to fulfill me. I am probably going to go back into my shell and retreat, and Peter knows this, and predicted this very same thing. I will need to talk to Peter, and I will need to rely on his friendship more than ever once I get to this new place, because I will be alone.

Pete will be there, sure. But other than him, I've got nobody there, no one to talk to, no one to go and do fun things with except him. I will become solely dependent on him---not just socially but financially too---and that scares the fuck outta me. I don't ever recall being solely dependent on anybody in any way, for anything EVER in my whole life, so this is something very uncomfortable to me, and I'm dreading it. He's always THERE, he tells me he's not going anywhere, he'll always be there for me, etc., all those things a man has never once said to me before in my whole life. I feel uncomfortable about it because I don't know if I can believe it. And then, if I DID believe it, there is no one ELSE there for me to turn to if he goes poof somehow. That scares me very much. I need a Plan B, C and D, something or someone to cling to, if things get too scarey, and PETER is that someone I will cling to, like it or not, I cannot help that. He's been in my world for nearly 3 years, ya know? I will keep him as my security blanket as long as I need him, no matter what. I think anyone in my situation would do the same thing.

I do acknowledge that there are also going to be times when I will need to be alone---most definitely---I mean, I wanted to push Pete away from me this weekend and go be alone somewhere---but I had no ability to do this other than to frantically think about taking off, somewhere, anywhere---and I finally told him I had to go to the dollar store for some toothpaste. That was the escape, the only way I could get away from him and gather my thoughts and try to process everything in my head. I needed alone time, I needed him to be gone, but he was there and there and there and there the whole time...it's just not something I am used to, having somebody THERE all the time...it's an odd concept to me...it's awkward and uncomfortable. I have always been a loner, so I felt like I was going to scream if I didn't get out of there somehow, and just go off by myself for awhile. I felt smothered. He kisses me in the morning, and kisses me in the evening, and almost every 5 minutes of the entire day. I don't mean just a simple peck on the cheek, I mean 10 minutes solid of him kissing me, constantly, not giving me time to breathe or come up for air...he smothers me. I can't get anything done. I can't go anywhere, he pins me down or holds my arms, or wraps his arms around me, and I am helpless. He just wants to smother me all the time.

I can't do it.

So the pettiness of his upset regarding not meeting Peter is something that I did not like talking about. It's MY LIFE, and if I don't want one boyfriend to meet another boyfriend, then LET ME DECIDE IT. Peter didn't decide it, I DID. It was ME who didn't feel right, ME who didn't feel comfortable, ME who felt it could all blow up in my face---and I don't NEED anymore STRESS. If I sense that one of these two Dom's in my life don't like each other for any reason, ANY ill feelings they express in front of me, at all, I just know I would fall apart. I really would. I cannot handle that possibility, I just know my own limits and I just would not be able to deal with that. But regardless of my submissiveness, I should still be able and allowed and encouraged to make my own goddamned decisions about the men in my life, without getting shit from one of them about it. I'm just feeling like everything is too overwhelming to me right now, I am being pulled in too many different directions with finding a new job, finding a replacement roommate, both things I can only do little by little, one step at a time---and on my own. So now I really am questioning if I am able to handle it. I really am questioning whether or not I'll be happy doing all this or not.

Peter says he's prepared to see me fall apart; to have meltdowns; to give him a hard time and to give Pete a hard time, OR, "even worse," he said, "you may retreat from Pete." And yes, over the weekend, I felt the need to go away from him, he was too much and too overwhelming and too intense, so I did need to retreat.

The honest truth is, I have no clue what the fuck I'm doing in this whole thing. It's all brand new to me, and I have no other standard for comparison in my life that even comes close to this situation. The 2 vanilla guys I dated once, sure, but that's nothing even close to these two men and to BDSM and all that goes with it. That is like comparing apples to oranges, two totally different things. So I have no one to go to for questions, or how to handle anything, I have just got my GUT to go by, that's it, and half the time that gut of mine is not very reliable at all.

Anyway, I just know that a meeting with the two Pete's is not going to happen anytime soon. We talked about the 22nd, tentatively, but the pettiness of it all just overwhelms me too much. I really don't think I can do it. Everything in the universe feels skewed to me right now. Maybe my BDSM getaway weekend with Pete and Vixen coming up will help resolve the universe and all its dysfunction, who knows. I just know I need a drink. Or three.

(I did get tipsy on Friday, and enjoyed it immensely). Couldn't feel my face though, that was weird.

Love, Sassy Girl