Meltdown #1

Ah well, I've been living in Pittsburgh for what, 3 weeks so far? And last night was my very first major meltdown...complete with puffy eyes and headache this morning. Fun fun. And wouldntcha know it, I gotta get my new PA drivers' license picture taken this morning too, how lovely. SIGH.

Yeah, I had a bit of a meltdown because of many things...one of those things being the fact that I have hit some kind of stumbling block when it comes to finishing unpacking my stuff. I look at the boxes, I get overwhelmed, and I unpack nothing. Part of me, I think, is scared to be "done" with unpacking...because then it's all OFFICIAL. Ya know? So it's all been sitting for about a week without being touched, and I'm feeling anxious about it, and upset that I can't seem to force myself to do it. Being submissive is a handicap sometimes, I just needed some help from a Dom to make a list for me, to assign me something, to keep my momentum going...but Pete doesn't seem to just naturally pick up on that like Peter did...so he didn't realize that I needed his help with it, even though I have said a few times rather timidly that I needed some help with it all...he just didn't know what that meant I guess, to what extent and the type of help I need. He's also been so busy with work and stuff that I didn't want to be a burden and bug him about my petty stuff like that, to interrupt him while he's busy, etc., so I thought I could just do it on my own, be an adult 40 year old woman, ya know? However, after a week of trying, I feel like a total failure, and this just cumulated into a meltdown.

Another reason is Peter. I miss him, in many ways, from the little things he did like grab my hair in his fist to calm me down and focus me again when I feel overwhelmed or out of control, to jotting down a list in an email for me to work on, or assigning me little things here and there, telling me he "expected this and that to be done by the next time he came over," etc., to the whole sexual thing with him, and everything in between. I haven't mentioned it to Pete, I thought I could just get over the whole thing and not miss him so much...I've been so busy with unpacking and stuff that I figured I wouldn't have time to sit around and mope about him...but now that I'm almost done with all that getting-settled stuff, I find that I do miss him very much. I talked to him yesterday on the phone, telling him about how Pete is having some chick over Friday night to take nudey photos of her, and that for all I knew, they would probably be having sex too, and I really didn't want to be around that day, which is partially why I wanted to drive to DC to be with Peter, and I figured hey, okay, if that's what Pete wants to do with this chick, then I can go have some nooky with Peter then too. Peter said Pete sure has a funny way of showing that I'm the "one" he wants, if he goes and does that with this other chick, and that I should be there as a presence to make sure that doesn't happen. But I really don't know this chick and I have no interest in being there for any of it. If any chick wants to come along and take Pete from me, my official policy is that I will not EVER fight over men, because in my experience, they just aren't worth it, so I would just bow out gracefully and end the relationship, and let her take him. But, that doesn't mean I'm going to sit around being celibate while it's happening.

Well then Peter says we might be able to have lunch together, but that would be all....no nooky. Naturally I balked, because the whole time before I left DC, he said we could maybe meet halfway someplace in a hotel room from time to time, or I could come back on a weekday to visit and we could have some BJ action in the car or a spanking, etc., before I leave...stuff like that. He promised that "things didn't have to stop" between us, and that was helping me to actually make this move, knowing I wasn't losing out on everything that we had together. So I never expected that it would no longer be offered or wanted or needed by us both...especially not after 3 weeks apart. So I tell him I felt rather hurt by this, rejected really, but he says he has decided just to "stay home and be a good boy, and focus on his wife and family awhile," instead. When I tell him that I still wanted to see him, even if it's just for lunch, then he tells me he had to go out of town anyway for a family thing, and wouldn't be around on Friday at all. Why doesn't he just stick a dagger in my heart and call it a day. Thanks, thanks so much. The other day he said "Even now, I am STILL trying to help you find things that feed your soul, because I care about your soul very much and it is in need of fulfilling." That made me sit and think about how Pete is mostly concerned about my BODY and having SEX and fulfilling HIS needs, and mine just haven't been getting met lately. He doesn't quite understand how to meet the needs of my soul, and I know this is something that will take time for the both of us to learn about each other, so I can't really complain about something like that, it's all so new for us both...it's really nobody's fault or anything...but it is still hard. Peter cared about my body, sure, and about having his needs met...but he also cared about MY SOUL...and that is so huge to me, so when he said this, it made me cry all afternoon that day...a mini-meltdown.

Then of course the other reason for the meltdown was the whole "I miss my home" feeling...homesick for DC I guess, I miss taking my dog for walks in the woods, and the trails, and the huge empty parking lot that I walked around every day for exercise. I loved to toss the sticks or tennis balls around and let Sassy run free inside that fenced in parking lot. She loved it too, and we often saw deer and other animals along the way. It was peaceful, and quiet...something this place is NOT. There is so much NOISE all the time, cars and trucks and buses and kids yelling at the school across the street, it's just too much and sometimes I just feel like I have to go away somewhere just to be quiet for awhile. I sometimes go sit in my car, for that. But then it gets too hot in there with all the windows rolled up and stuff. I have felt like the apartment downstairs isn't really MINE because we don't use it much, I haven't spent more than one night in my own bed, and I think 2 naps there, the whole time I've been in Pittsburgh so far. I miss sleeping in my own damned bed. I have a suitcase upstairs in Pete's room, and I'm getting sick of living out of a damned suitcase too. I couldn't find my stupid toothbrush the other night and almost went ballistic because of it. I just want a HOME, a place of my OWN that I feel comfortable in, but so far this has just felt like an extended visit, or vacation, not really where I BELONG.

So all of these reasons basically caused me to have a major meltdown last night and I thought I could just lay there and cry before Pete came to bed, and not burden him with such a silly submissive thing...I wanted to just keep it my own personal secret hell and deal with it as best as I could, and try to get through it on my own without being a needy pain in the ass. But he came in and saw that I was crying, so of course he wraps his arms around me and asks me what's wrong, which apparently causes the flood of tears to burst again even worse than before. I don't know exactly how long this meltdown occurred, but it was very late when it was finally over, and I was exhausted. I still am today.

Pete reassured me that he has no interest in having nooky with this chick on Friday, she just wants some sexy pictures to send to her new boyfriend on email, since he lives in Michigan and they can't be together very often. But this is the same chick who apparently "stalked" Pete after having sex with him once, and he basically shut her down completely for 6 months afterwards, having no contact with her at all. So maybe she's making up this little scenario because she wants to have nooky with him again, who knows? I don't know the mind of a stalker chick, she might be psycho spazzy for all I know, and I personally have no interest whatsoever in being around while she's here in his bed, even just posing for photos. I will just ask for money and go shopping or something.

That's another thing that's been upsetting me lately; all MY money from my DC job is already gone...so now I'm completely dependent on Pete for every dime and he's also paying my bills, and I feel guilty as hell about it...I'm just not used to this.;..and I want to go out and go shopping and have fun while I'm off from work, this is like a vacation for me right now, but I feel STUCK in this house surrounded by boxes I can't unpack, and all I want to do is figure out my way to the nearest mall. I want to enjoy myself and this down-time, but I have to ask for money and that makes me feel like an ass...like a total mooch...and I don't like feeling that way. I don't like being dependent on him for every dime I get, and I feel guilty because I want to go shopping in the first place, but I am bored to death sitting around this place all day long, unable to cope right with this unpacking shit, and unable to find motivation. So then out of sheer frustration and boredom, I've just been sleeping a lot. Taking naps. Nothing else to do. Then I get up and make dinner and then go to bed after watching some t.v. with Pete for awhile as he continues working until late from home.

I have been job hunting but so far it's not happening. I feel very frustrated by this. I had expected to just start working right away and I'm feeling anxious about having a large gap of time on my resume that I'm not working. I need my own STUFF to do, and I can't DO anything until I have a job first.

So all of these reasons have got me feeling agitated, upset, and just plain crazy. I blubbered my way through explaining these things to Pete as best as I can, in between blowing my nose and just crying hysterically without saying anything at all......now he has some idea of what Peter went through with me the month before I moved. I'm sure he thought it was great fun. (NOT)

I'm just a silly submissive mess of a girl. Some days I have a bad day and that was definitely one of them.

Let me see if this stupid blog thing will let me upload a photo or two...

GRRRRR, nope. This INFERIOR MAC COMPUTER of Pete's apparently doesn't like it when I try to upload photos onto this blog. It might let me do one or two, but on certain photos it won't do it at all. I don't get it. Stupid damned Mac computer anyway. I'm a PC girl, so these MACs are like a mystery to me. I do have my own PC computer hooked up downstairs, though, so I could go there and try it. Oh well, maybe later.

Soon Pete will have rehearsals for his upcoming play...so he'll be gone a lot...and I'll be bored and lonely a lot. SIGH. He took me this morning to get my new PA drivers' license, and to show me a little bit of how to get around in this city. The roads here are very confusing. I'm still trying to find 395 and 66, but alas, those are in DC. These highways are all new numbers. I've never been very good with numbers though. I was an English major, remember? Ask me anything about Shakespeare or about the Holocaust, and I can pretty much answer it correctly...but ask me about numbers, highways, or directions, and you can just forget about it, because I'm clueless and very geographically challenged.

So no, this whole move to Pittsburgh has NOT been a picnic...it has been very difficult for me. I'm making the best of it, though, and trying not to be a pain in the ass or a complainer or a whimp...but it's just getting too overwhelming for me. Pete was glad I had the meltdown and talked to him about what was bothering me, and he apologized for not paying closer attention to those things. He wrote me a list of things to work on today, and drew me a map so I can find my way around a little bit if I venture out. He's making the effort that I need, to feel like I can function properly again. I told him that it bothers me when I have to ask him for something I need, because I feel (as the sub) that the Dom should KNOW automatically what I need, I shouldn't have to ask...he should just KNOW...but again, that takes time to work up to such a thing. I also don't like the whole accusation of "topping from the bottom," (which Lisa says is a bunch of shit that men make up when they don't like your protests about something they want you to do for them)...but if I say to Pete, "Ya know, Peter used to grab me by the hair in his fist and get my attention or calm me down that way or refocus me when I was out of control or overwhelmed, would you do what HE did for me, because that's what I need and what I'm used to..." then I feel like I'm comparing him to Peter and that's not fair nor is it comforting nor is it welcome to Pete's ears either....so I have avoided asking for stuff like that, because I just didn't know how to phrase it right...so Pete suggested I say "It helps me if my hair is grabbed and pulled a little sometimes..." rather than "Peter did things THAT way..." and so I will make the effort to do that from now on if I need something like that.

We did have a good talk and lots of hugging and kissing too...so that was a good thing and I feel better today.

Now I have to go and try to get busy, though I think the "nap" on the list might just be first.

Bye for now.

Love, Sassy Girl ps. I am feeling horribly lustful about Steve Perry today. If he were here, I'd sit on his face and then bury my head in his lap afterwards...God that man turns me on like nobody's business. Scouts honor.