Yeah, when I was an English major in college, one of our group's favorite hobbies was to take a word, like "bummer" and add on all these suffixes to the end of it, to make up a whole different word. I know, I was a dork...still am. But there ya go.
I'm feeling rather bummed out lately. Yesterday I chatted with my friend Melva for the first time since I moved, and she updated me on her health problems. She's had cancer for a long time, but it was in remission for 16 or more years, until just recently. It started out in her jaw, and now has apparently spread to the bones of her hip and pelvic region. She also had a recent test and found 2 spots on her liver, which is NOT GOOD. So the doctors are planning to attack with all sorts of chemo and drugs...she's going to lose her hair again...but she's calm about it all, (unlike I would be), because she says "It's only temporary, and Jesus took away all of my fear."
I just so happen to be rather scared for her, though, and sad too. I love Melva, like she's my mom-away-from-mom. I've known her since 1993 I think...she's come to DC to visit me, and I've gone to Illinois to spend time with her and her family too. We've been like two peas in a pod ever since then. She gives me good advice with any problems I might be having, (unlike my own mom who only sends me email jokes)...so I feel a strong bond with Melva, and I love her very much. Knowing that she's having such a hard time really kills me, I wish there was something I could do for her. All she asks me to do is pray for her and send her positive thoughts. She says she is not "dying" from cancer, she is LIVING WITH it, which is a big difference in her mind...I guess I can agree with that. She wants to come visit me again, here in Pittsburgh, but not until after the six months of trying a new drug are over and done. If that works, her liver will be back to normal and healthy with no spots on it. So we'll see how it goes.
Peter is bumming me out lately too, but I guess that's pretty much the status quo with him. Always some kind of "too busy, forgot-to-call, not available" situation going on, which I used to believe he would do to me on purpose so that I crave him. Well, that might have worked when I lived there, but now it's just pissing me off. Oh well. I guess if the relationship we had doesn't mean as much to him as it did to me, this is to be expected. If he wants the friendship part to continue though, he'd better make the time to keep it going. I'm tired of being put off and told a million excuses for why he just doesn't have the time to talk to me or see me. I told him if this is the big brush off, and he doesn't WANT to see me anymore, just have the balls to SAY SO and get it overwith. He says that's not the case at all. But yet, when we try to arrange a meeting, even just lunch, he seems to balk and give me excuses for why he can't do it. Some friend he turned out to be after I leave DC, huh? Definitely not what I expected from him.
Last night Pete put me in the leather underbust corset he bought for me at last weekend's Renaissance Festival, it's just plain black leather, but it's awesome...and then he put me in a hogtie, and used the hitachi wand on me awhile. We're also planning go to the local dungeon on Saturday night, probably wearing the corset there too. I love that thing. Makes me feel like I'm being hugged all over. So at least we're having some sexy fun here and there. He seems to want sex all the damned time, which of course, I am not used to. Sure, I've said that I'm a nympho before, but he's got me beat in that respect. He's more of a nympho than I ever will be. I mean, he wants it twice a day or more...good lord...he wears me out and then wonders why I need more sleep all the damned time. Last night I was a limp ragdoll and couldn't move. That damned hitachi wand gets me every time. I love that thing.
The lack-of-job situation is also bumming me out. I'd like to scream to all of Pittsburgh, "HIRE ME NOW, YOU ROTTEN REDNECK BASTAGES!" but of course, I must try to have patience. That is rather difficult for such an impatient chick as me though. Never been my strongest suit. Nope. Can't say it is. I'm impatient as hell. I want my own money and my own sense of independence. I don't know how the HELL these domestic housewives just sit around the house all day long doing mundane shit. BLEAH. I can't even unpack the rest of my shit, it bores me too much. I've been doing this domestic housewife crap now for about 3 weeks and I'm going insane. I miss having a job. But then again, mostly I miss having the money to go out and do fun things and have restaurant food more often, etc., like I used to. I feel like a burden on Pete though, right now, so I don't like to keep asking for money all the time, and I try to do things like dishes and laundry to "earn" that money he gives me. He says it's just what being a part of a couple and a family is, he doesn't view it as me being a "mooch" like I told him I felt. I'm just not used to being given an allowance like that. I feel guilty unless I buy HIM something with it, ya know? I bought him a desk at a local thrift store so he won't have to move the one he's got down to my living space area, he can work either upstairs OR in my place downstairs. Today I bought him a shirt and pants, he needs more clothes, so I thought I would get him some. Too bad I bought the wrong sized pants. SIGH. But at least I tried.
Anyway, half the time I walk around not knowing what the hell I'm doing. That is, in a relationship with a guy who loves me, and wants to marry me...I have no clue what I'm supposed to be doing for him, or how to do it...like, does he expect me to be Suzy Homemaker, Domestic Goddess Extraordinaire? Cuz I'm not....ya know? He was surprised that I actually took both HIS laundry AND mine to the local laundrymat yesterday...rather than just doing my own. But that would make no sense, just to do mine and not do his too. Seemed like common sense to me, so at least I did THAT right.
But I feel awkward and scared a lot, unsure, and hoping I don't screw this up somehow. It makes me feel tired out, worrying so much about stuff like that, so I take naps almost every day. It helps me when he gives me a written list of things to do all day though. I can't seem to focus on one thing at a time on my own, because I get overwhelmed by everything all at once, and when that happens, I just shut my brain off and do nothing. It's frustrating.
He's still got this annoying gnat-of-a-vanilla-hag hanging around him too, asking him for rides...3 times in less than one week...so today I said half-jokingly, "I'll bet you she'll call again today for a ride..." and he says, "If she does call, I will take you out for a nice dinner, if she doesn't call, then you owe me 69." Then he added I would have to wear this remote control vibrating bullet thing inside me if I win and we go to dinner, but I argued that wasn't fair, HE would get more fun from that too either way! Oh well. I won the bet. She called and asked him to find her some bus information...what a passive aggressive vanilla hag. I told him that she's pushing her luck, and when I start to push her back, it won't be pretty. Right now though, I don't feel like pushing her back. I told him if she really wants him that badly, I'll just bow out gracefully and leave them to each other. I don't fight over men. They just aren't worth it. Until I am proven wrong somehow, I'll stick to that belief from previous experience. Well, luckily he didn't have to drive her ass around today, I said "Doesn't Pittsburgh have a thing called a TAXI CAB?" but apparently it would "cost a fortune" for her to do that...as if I care?? Not my problem. Get a friggin' moped. Take the friggin' bus. WHAT EVAH.
Anyway, Pete is just trying to be a nice guy, and stay friends with her, but I think she's pushing her luck and it's starting to annoy me. I mean, it's one thing to ask once here and there, but 3 times in less than one week? Come on. Give me a break. There's being a nice guy, and then there's being a manipulated guy. She's a classic vanilla manipulator who is playing the "poor me" game right now, to get his sympathy so that he'll want to help take care of her. I say, go play "poor me" somewhere else. She gave him some story today about how she fainted at the bus stop while trying to get up to meet the bus before it just drove on past her, and she lay there for a half hour while people walked by, but nobody offered to help her. I think she's a delusional alcoholic lying hag. But hey, that's just my female intuition.
So yes, it has been a rather bummer-age week for me to say the least. I'm glad it's almost over. I have a job interview tomorrow, and another one on Tuesday. So hopefully that will bring good news soon. I also applied to work at Michael's again, I've worked there at 3 different stores over the past 5 years, part-time, whenever I needed some extra money...I love making crafty stuff though so it is fun for me. I wouldn't mind working there part-time, so I figured I'd give it a shot. I used to make about $11 an hour though in DC...here it's only $7.15 which BLOWS. But okay, it's a crappy retail job, what can you expect. If that doesn't work out for some reason, I'll just go to some other retail place, like a bookstore.
Anyway, that's the news from my neck of the woods this week.
Love, Sassy Girl
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