FREEZING

Ok so the landlord of this new apartment really sucks. He's been asked repeatedly to turn the heat on, but apparently he can't seem to walk over from next door to flip a friggin' switch in 30 seconds like it would take MOST people to do. So, I've been living in this place for the past few weeks as the temperatures are getting colder, wearing sweatshirts and socks to bed, adding blankets, steaming up the bathroom with hot water before stepping into the shower...freezing my ass off. I told Pete tonight that if the only way I can GET some heat around here is to BURN THE LANDLORD'S HOUSE DOWN NEXT DOOR then so be it, he can then THANK ME for saving his PIPES from FREEZING over here. GRRRRR. I'm not impressed with this landlord, one bit. He gave me attitude about having a dog too, claiming "nobody told him" about it, when I know for a fact that Pete DID mention it to him. So then he says I'll have to pay a pet deposit when I sign the lease...but for some reason, neither Pete nor I even HAVE a lease, and hey, we're not saying a WORD about it. hehehehe SUCKA. Poetic justice.

Anyway, other than that, I've finally got all my junk from DC. It was 80 flippin' damned degrees in Virginia last weekend, no trees had any fall colors like they do here, and I was wearing shorts and a t-shirt there, whereas I've been in sweatpants, sweatshirts, hoodies, and coats with gloves around here. WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?!! I am NOT a cold climate person!! I like it WARM!! WARM I TELL YOU!!

Speaking of freezing, the other night when I played with Pete, he did some spanking and flogging on both my front and back, until I was zonked out into subspace...but then, when he abruptly finished all that, even after putting a blanket over me, suddenly out of nowhere, for some weird reason I had a sudden case of the chattering teeth and frozen body shaking like a leaf. He put me in the hot shower but I was STILL freezing even in there, and I also started crying and getting the dry heaves. Fun. I was sick all night, and most of the next day, up several times, drinking Pepto Bismol like it was water...taking Tums...not sure what else to do. I asked his friend Vixen if she's ever experienced anything like that, telling her I thought maybe my temperature gauge is off...why else would I be freezing cold so much...but she said that it has happened to her in the past as well, because subspace just suddenly shuts down all your bodily functions or something, and you cannot get warm for ANY reason, it's almost like going into a freezing cold lake and trying to swim. Your body temperature drops so suddenly, you just cannot get warm again no matter what you do. She said she had to have several blankets draped over her, AND a man to lay on top of her to keep her warm for a long while before she was okay again. So I guess there's nothing wrong with my temperature gauge, but why it caused me to be nauseous, I don't know. Pete blamed that part on the chinese food we had earlier.

Anyway, so other than freezing and feeling sicker than hell the past few days, life is just peachy. This new job of mine is killing me. Ya know why? Not because it's a detestable retail job...that's not it...the job itself is one I have liked working at in the past, at several different store locations in Michigan and Virginia over the years. It's the fact that I USED TO BE MAKING NEARLY 3 TIMES AS MUCH MONEY, and the fact that my body is not cooperating with me anymore, and I can't stand on my FEET for very long without them hurting like crazy. They are all swollen and hurt, and sore, all through my legs and knees and hips...I mean, I just can't stand on my feet for 8 hours anymore, even though I USED TO be able to walk around the Holocaust Museum on concrete and marble floors all day long, sometimes 10 hours a day, 7 days a week even...and I had no issues or problems THEN...but of course, I was in my late 20's and early 30's then. I tell ya, once you hit 40, that's it, your body just says, "Fuck this shit," and falls apart.

So it's frustrating to me, to see 70 year old ladies who work at this place, standing there for hours at a time without complaining, while I am dyin' over in a corner, begging to sit down for a few minutes. It annoys me that I'm not able to do what I used to do anymore. Everybody chuckles at me and says, "Well that's part of getting older." But I say I want to go on STRIKE against this crap dammit. I didn't sign up for this shit. That's NOT what I had in mind at all when I turned 40. I don't know honestly how the hell I'm going to continue working 8 hour days at this place, I may have to talk to the managers about cutting my hours in half or something, because I THOUGHT I would only be a part-time person, 20 hours or so, but it's turning out that (with all my experience) they are scheduling me for nearly 40. I just can't do that anymore and it makes me feel depressed and old and falling apart. That, and the money sucks. But okay, it's money, it's just not what I have busted my ass for the past 40 years to achieve, going back down to this wage after working my way up to the $40-$50 range like I had been in DC. I'm feeling down about this, very depressed actually, because it's just not what I expected when I decided to move here. I thought by now I would have something decent started, and raking in some decent bucks. Thanks to the shitty economy, that just isn't happening.

Ah well. This weekend I am playing my flute in the wedding for my friend David, at his family's synagogue in Detroit. Should be interesting. I hope I don't screw up. It's been a long while since I've played my flute in front of people. I used to be really good, like first chair all through high school and junior high, blue ribbons at competitions, etc., but wow, you let it sit for awhile and it just doesn't seem to gel as well as it once did. My fingers are stiffer, my embochure is not so good, and I can't get as much air in my diaphragm as I once could. But okay, I still got the vibrato part, and I can still read music, and I can still sound pretty decent most of the time. I just hope I can pull it off without messing up.

The whole Peter saga is just fading into oblivion at this point because, well, he apparently prefers it that way. I feel so sad about the whole way things have happened and I wish with all my heart I could fix it somehow. It just feels like I have ruined something great with him, an awesome friendship feels like it's no longer there because he's withdrawn from me now, and it upsets me very much. I try chatting with him but he doesn't answer very much at all, he doesn't write me emails like he used to, and he doesn't call me. I'm sad. But okay, there's nothing I can do, I just wish there was something reassuring there to keep the friendship going because I miss him. A lot. I miss talking to him every day, and getting advice and being guided with daily tasks and stuff. I miss that a lot. I miss seeing him, laughing and just being silly, going to lunch, talking about life and work and his family and my crazy world...I just miss having him around. There's no crime in that, is there?

Well, I'm off to bed. With the space heater and a blanket.

Love, Sassy Girl