Pete's divorce party

Well, ya party for every OTHER reason on earth, don'tcha?? So why are you so surprised that we'd be having a divorce party for Pete? He's been living without his ex-wife for nearly 2 years, but the damned divorce papers are now finalized, and the whole mess is OVER. So, I figure, that's a cause to celebrate if there ever was any.

Tomorrow night we're going to this bar that used to be a church, and we're going to laugh it up with a comedian guy named Doctor Dirty, (I hope he sings "Yank my doodle it's a dandy") and probably get inebriated. I decided to surprise Pete, so I went out while he was at rehearsal last night, and got him a half a cake at the grocery store bakery...half, because he's no longer part of a married couple, get it? And hey, the symbolism doesn't stop there! One layer of this half cake is yellow, the other is chocolate...dark and light, in one cake....hmmm, can you think symbolically about that? Let's see, the good cowboy always wore a white hat, and the BAD cowboy always wore a black hat.....soooo, good vs. evil...marriage vs. divorce...man vs. woman....there ya go, NOW you're gettin' it...see, there's a method to my madness.

But that's not all folks!! I couldn't let it just lie without trying to imitate a divorce cake that I found online!! I found a picture of a groom that looks like he's running away from the bride, his arms extended and one leg up, and she's got her arms extended on his shoulder, pulling him back....BUT....if you change those two things around, it looks like the groom is kicking the bride OFF THE CAKE...(that is, if you cut the two people apart, which is what I did). I glued the groom's body onto cardboard with a base to slide down into the cake, as a cake topper. Then I printed out a photo of Pete, cut his head out of it, and glued that to the groom's head. Then, I put a "voice bubble" on it, that said, "Step off be-otch! Good riddance! Hit the road! I'm free! Free at last! MMMUUUHAHAHAHA!" and I put a puddle of red frosting at his feet. At the bottom of the cake, as though she'd been pushed off, lay the bride, with, of course, the face of his ex-wife, also glued to cardboard, lying again in a puddle of red frosting...hehehehe (Yes we took a picture of it so I'll add that to the blog this weekend).

Anyway so then I decided since Pete was a man-whore before I met him, I should get him some kind of pimp hat to wear when all these women are accompanying him to this bar. All I could find, since Halloween is over, is a party hat at the dollar store, but it's funny anyway. Put the pair of huge sunglasses on his face, along with the button that has a picture of a tiny coffin with a ring sitting in it and says, "You're invited to my divorce party, join me as I bury my ring and end a marriage" on it...along with the "Bling Bling" gold necklace around his neck, and you've got the perfect ex-man-whore of the party! He claims he won't wear the bling bling necklace though, and "the hat keeps falling off..." (what a woose, he just doesn't want to look like a dork).

Sooo then I got those silly huge sunglasses and some silly string for everybody who will be there, and some balloons that say "Congratulations," with a smiley face, a blue star and a red heart...because to my knowledge, there IS no such thing as divorce balloons----QUICK!!! SOMEBODY GET ME A PATENT!!

So there ya go. And that was my big surprise for Pete, which I actually couldn't wait until tomorrow to spring on him so I showed it all to him tonight, and he got a kick out of it. But I wanted a little time privately with him to laugh about this stuff and show him the cake, etc., before all his former women were all sitting there around me. There's one chick in particular who wanted him in the worst way before I came along, and of course, she still calls him...all the time...but alas, she is unable to make it, because (and I quote), "It just doesn't sound like it would be much fun." (Despite the fact that she went with him and Vixen last year to see this Dr. Dirty guy and had a blast). Translation: "I don't want to be around your new girlfriend." So, I guess I'll just have to sob and sniff and cry for her absence and try to make it through the night without her. AHEM.

Ya know, the more I think about it, the more I'm noticing a pattern. Whenever Pete and I have a moment alone---truly alone, without a t.v. blaring FAMILY GUY (one of his favorite shows, which makes ME feel like my brain is turning into oatmeal), it seems every time I want to have a special moment or discuss something important, or just have a nice quiet break from the rest of the world, his @#$%! phone rings, and it's one of his HARUM WOMEN calling. They call him every day. EVERY DAY. Yeah, that's a pattern I've noticed. Can't say that I like it much. In fact, his stupid hag ex-wife called him just yesterday to borrow MONEY from him, which I still find extremely unbelievable that she is THAT delusional about this whole divorce thing...um, I mean, hello, he's NOT YOUR HUBBY ANYMORE, MISS MOOCH-ASS.

Do you know how many women have slept in MY BED since I moved in with Pete? So far, his friend Clara, his other friend Donna, and now his mom will be sleeping in my room all next week....I've never had a woman in my bed before in my whole life, and now his harum women are taking it over....

Hmmmmm....the more I think about it, the more I am wondering if maybe his divorce is creating some kind of monster within him, even despite meeting me, that might come back and bite us both in the ass someday. Have you ever had a boyfriend who has women all around him all the time? It's quite a treat, lemme tell ya. If I didn't have any self-esteem, I might just kick his ass for it, or cry like a wounded idiot "victim." But ya know, I have more self-esteem in my little pinky finger than most women have in their entire bodies...so I never compete or fight over men, because frankly, they're not worth fighting over, and I have YET to meet one who has proven me wrong about that. So Pete, you gotta MAKE me WANT to fight over ya, get it?? Cuz I won't compete, I won't even stick around long enough to be in the equation, if any of these broads you used to boink decide to get in the middle of you and me.

So enjoy your divorce party, go live it up, sow some more wild oats if you have to....whatever it takes to get your harum mindset calmed down to a mild roar.....and then maybe we can get busy with building a life of our own together, without phone call interruptions, without ex-wives who want to borrow money, without the soap opera bullshit that goes with all that.

I will be inebriated tomorrow night by the way. Did I mention that? I don't know what the hell I'm doing here with this man.

But okay, so we'll celebrate his divorce. And I'm his soon-to-be-ex rebound relationship, most likely......sigh.

Love, Sassy Girl