Another depressing day

Yeah so I have a bit of confusion in my head today...now newly complicated by a temp job that called me today and wants me to work Wed, Thur and Friday....it's only part-time but what the hell. I got nothin' so I might as well take what I can get I guess.

The confusion is a mixed signal really, from Pete. Last night he got a call from his bossy-bitch cousin, who has taken over his mother's life...it's because of this cousin (who believes she is doing the right thing) that his mother recently moved from her completely paid off home of many years, (with no house payment), to an assisted living place, that costs an arm & a leg. Well, his mother spent Thanksgiving with Pete and I and told us that she's not happy there, and wants to go back to her home. I don't blame her one bit. She's been there 2 months, and has already FALLEN TWICE. This, in my opinion, is UNACCEPTABLE.

But see, even going home sucks, because she's got this mooch-ass bitch living in her house, not paying any rent, and who also just changed all the locks---this chick was originally hired to take care of his mom, though she has NO FORMAL TRAINING to do so. She was also supposed to live in the BACK of the house, in the "in-law suite" section, but his mom is too damned nice, and let her take the FRONT of the house, which has NO STAIRS and is much bigger. She did this because the mooch has 2 brat-kids from a deadbeat boyfriend who won't marry her. So his mom was living in this tiny in-law apartment area, with an upstairs, and she's 87 years old. Then his cousins were upset because she FELL a couple times, and guess what, the mooch-ass bitch wasn't anywhere AROUND to take care of her. So that's why they put her in a nursing home, but GUESS WHAT, she hates it there and KEEPS FALLING too.

Well, Pete put his name on the emergency contact sheet to be notified in case anything happened to his mom, but the nursing home didn't bother to contact him this time, which royally pissed ME off, and if they told his cousin that he put his name on this list to be contacted and THEY told THEM to remove his name from that list, I say that's a breach of confidentiality and they could be sued for it. I was so angry last night that I told Pete if it were MY mom, I'd take today off from work and drive my ass there to get her, regardless of what anybody else said or did about it. I told him it's time he took charge of this situation, and do something to save his mother, because the next time she falls could very well be her LAST.

So.......as a highly sensitive person, he recognizes that I tend to internalize everything very much, I don't speak out often about how I feel regarding things like this, so it took him by surprise I guess, that I reacted so badly...and he told me later that it felt to him like I was yelling at HIM or angry with HIM about it...but that's the not the case at all. I was just expressing how I felt. He yelled at me while we talked about it though, he said every time I "tell him what to do," it only makes him "want to do the exact opposite, or nothing at all." He's never yelled at me before, but he did this time, "I AM NOT STUPID, I WILL CALL THEM TOMORROW LIKE I SAID I WOULD, SO BACK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE," or something along those lines, I was too stunned to really memorize every word....and so I whispered back, in tears, "I am not your ex-wife you know." (She used to boss him around all the time).

I cried most of the night. I told him that this episode with his mom has triggered my own memories of my grandmother, and how, when she was sick and going through all kinds of problems, in and out of the hospital (his mom was taken to the hospital and had a CAT-scan and MRI yesterday after she fell), I used to pray to God to take away 10 years of MY life so that SHE could have 5 more without pain and agony....but God didn't listen, except now this God-asshole has fucked ME with taking 10 years away from me with diabetes, so I got the shit-end of the deal here, and my grandma died in 1997. He's goddamned better give that 5 years to my mother then, that's all I'm sayin', otherwise I'm gonna get to heaven myself someday and bitch-slap Him across the face.

I also told Pete something I have never told anyone else EVER...that I also used to pray that she should just die, and get it overwith, to spare her the agony of all the medical stuff she had to endure all those long months. I prayed that God should just have mercy on her and take her, so that she wouldn't HAVE to go through chemo and radiation treatments for her cervical cancer, which fried her innards to the point where her kidneys shut down, and forced her to have a colostomy bag, and then forced her to go on dialysis every day...3 times a day...for hours at a time, each time. I prayed all this at the EARLY stages of her illness, not knowing she would have those specific issues but knowing in my gut that it didn't look good for her and she may end up enduring hardships in coming months...I prayed for God to end her life, so she could avoid all that. But when I prayed this, I figured that I would be there with her, at her side, when she did die. I didn't know that I would miss her passing by only 3 hours, never able to say goodbye to her.

I tried to tell Pete, that the GUILT of all that hurts WAY WORSE than if I had just nipped all my family drama in the bud when it first started, which would have made her passing much easier on my mom---and now he's facing a similar drama, but he's got an OPTION to CONTROL the drama occurring right now with his cousins & the mooch. I told him IF he has had the same kinds of thoughts that I had about my grandma, I understood---he may feel that she should just die and get it overwith so he doesn't have to deal with the drama....but the GUILT of that, will haunt him later on IF he does nothing about it NOW. He has the ability to RESCUE his mother from these people who are wrecking her life, and causing her all this hardship...

And I couldn't be there, to do anything to rescue my grandmother. I missed her passing by 3 hours and it hurts to this day.

He has told me himself that they are killing her slowly by putting her in a home, and coddling her too much, and even SHE HERSELF said she hates how they make her feel that she cannot do anything on her own anymore......she's 87 years old....but still spry, smart, and functioning on her own just fine...in fact she and I took a nice long WALK while she was here, and she LOVED IT...she didn't need her walker at all, just my hand around her arm to steady her. She took off walking and I just let her go, and she LOVED IT. In this nursing home place, they force her to use a walker, and in the 2 moths she's been there, she's FALLEN TWICE. There is no excuse for this.

So my confusion is this....why does he wonder about me internalizing everything I feel, when the minute I open my mouth to express something I feel very passionate about, he yells at me for it?

The answer is: Every time I express myself passionately about something---whether it's about my mother and her house and the drama that went with it during her breakdown, or whether it's about the Holocaust & getting slapped down every day at the Museum for doing my job and loving it---I always end up either getting yelled at, abused somehow, or beaten down. EVERY TIME.

This is why I keep my thoughts to myself and only divulge things to my personal journal. This is why I avoid people. This is why I don't open up, I don't share, I don't like being around people who want me to tell them every detail of my life and what I'm thinking every moment of the day. This is why I don't like dating, I don't like being in a relationship, because it always ends up biting me in the ass when all is said and done.

So my confusion is now, like I told him last night, "I am now shutting down and feeling apathetic." I'm supposed to be able to share my feelings with him, but apparently now I've learned from him that I have to censor myself and butt out of his business. And if that's the case, why the hell am I even HERE? I feel increasingly convinced that I do not belong here in Pittsburgh, I don't like it here, I'm not getting anywhere with my resume & job hunting, I'm feeling like it's going to suck no matter where I work because it's all industrial bullshit, and I'm used to OFFICE WORK, not construction companies and healthcare places, which seems to be the only kinds of jobs out there, and I have no experience with either industry. NOR DO I CARE TO.

I have told Pete that I would give this 6 months, and this is now the 4th month. Things are not going so well. We have had several fights in the past few months, bad ones that leave me feeling more distant from him every time it happens. I feel very much like packing my bags and leaving here. Especially after last night. I am apparently not allowed to express my feelings about his mother, okay, so be it....but I tried to tell him that I view him as a PACKAGED DEAL, meaning if I'm going to be a part of his life, then goddammit, I am a part of his FAMILY too....his kids, his ex-wives, his "friends with benefits" AND his mother. They all go together along with his cousins and the mooch who lives in his mother's house.

Why he doesn't just forcibly evict that bitch, I'll never figure out. Get a restraining order against her, break a window in the house and change all the locks while she's gone---there's GOT to be something he can do to get her out of there. He says he barreled in one time to "rescue" his mom, by having a member of the social services come to her house to interview her about this chick moving in and taking over the big part of the house---and he said his mom said she WANTED to do that for her, that she considered her to be "the daughter she never had," (Even though Pete's got an older sister), so from that point on the mooch has disliked him and his mother has been resentful towards him about it. He feels helpless now, and just wants to proceed slowly and open lines of communication with his cousins, and eventually get it all ironed out.

However, I've worked with 70 year olds and 80 year olds for 6 years at the Museum...they were all Holocaust Survivors...they were my "peeps" and I loved them like they were my family. I still do. And MY feeling is, he does not have the LUXURY OF TIME on his side to handle this situation. His mother's health is in jeopardy, her body is frail and if she falls again, it could be the last time ever, she may not recover from the next time....so he shouldn't wait, he shouldn't take his time....there is a sense of urgency here, and the luxury of taking the time to do what he wants to do is just not something he can count on. Time is of the essence, and to sit back and do nothing about it, makes me lose respect for him.

If I cannot respect the man I'm with, I cannot be with that man.

I asked him what he would do if it were ME in this situation, would he fight for me? Would he try to rescue me somehow? Or would he just take his time and wait and see how things go, and hope that it doesn't get worse.....like he is doing now with his mother? I asked him hypothetically if I were on my death bed and my family wanted to pull the plug but I personally would want to remain on life support, would he fight them, or would he let them do it? He said if they tried to go against my wishes, he would fight them. Well, I said to him, "your mother is asking you to help her, maybe not in those specific words, but she told us she doesn't like this place, she's not happy there, her cats are both depressed, and she is tired of being coddled. THAT IS HER WAY OF ASKING YOU TO HELP HER."

But he feels that he would be making the same mistake as his cousins, barreling in and trying to take things over "for her own good," which is what they have done, and what if he makes things even WORSE.....so indecision apparently is the choice he has decided to stick with awhile, and sit on the fence until....until when? Until she falls again but doesn't get up next time? Will his cousins call him several hours or days after the fact when she finally DOES die, to leave a brief voicemail like they do now?

Why doesn't he get angry about all this, and why the hell do I bother expressing the anger HE should be feeling, when it is obviously unwelcome?

He told me that I am the most important person in his life, even more than his own mother. I balked at this. I don't want him to diss his own mother over me, that's not right. I don't see him as being tied to any apron strings or a momma's boy either, but SHE should be the top priority right now, and I suggested that he bring her here to live with us, and I'll take care of her.

This fight of ours is not something that will magically disappear with a hug or a kiss, though. It is stuck in my craw, just like the last one we had still is, and I'm building up a wall around my heart again because I simply cannot deal with it. That is why I decided years ago not to go out and date anybody, I just cannot handle relationships and all the bullshit that goes with them. I am better off being alone, and that is something NOBODY has ever changed my thinking about.

This whole thing with Pete could dissolve very quickly, it's fragile and it's confusing and it's given me a headache because I feel so confused about everything all the time, I don't know what the hell I'm doing. If I express an opinion about something important like this, will he yell at me every time? If so, I guess I am just expected to do his laundry, cook his meals and spread my legs whenever he wants me to, and keep my mouth shut. Is that the kind of life he thinks will make me happy though? Does he really think I'll stick around living here in that kind of relationship for very long?

He just says I need to believe in him. But I say, "SHOW ME just WHAT to believe in, then...don't just sit there in indecision on the fence, letting these cousins of yours and this bitch-mooch in your mom's house roll all over you. You're supposed to be a DOM---so TAKE CONTROL and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, because my respect level is waning, and I just cannot be with somebody that I don't respect. I couldn't do it with my own daddy, and I will not be able to do it with you."

---Sassy Girl