Perspective

Ok I know this may sound weird, but I am noticing a pattern when it comes to crime. I mean, on the surface, crime is a bad thing. Right? Of course it is. But...when I read stories of someone innocent, like Adam Walsh's son, who was killed in 1981 at the age of 6---on the surface it seems so senseless, and cruel, heartless and vicious. BUT...if he hadn't been killed, there would be no "America's Most Wanted," which has rescued and found thousands of missing children. If Caylee's death was just another senseless killing of an innocent child, there would be no scrutiny on police policies, investigations, etc. (But on the flip-side of this coin, Nancy Grace wouldn't exist either, and that would be a GOOD thing. I can't stand her). So I'm sitting here thinking of other popular cases, such as O.J. Simpson, and the circus that ensued with his first trial...and how his obvious guilt gnawed at his conscious too much so now he's deliberately committed another crime just so he can pay penance for the first one in prison where he belongs. If Nicole hadn't been killed, he'd never be caught for doing bad things at all. He'd get away with it, as we all witnessed the first time around, because he's a celebrity.

So these people who are killed, it seems to me, should not be mourned so much as they should be celebrated---because most of them really end up causing something GOOD to happen, which seems comforting to me. They are like angels sent to earth to make good things come out of their own mortal demise. Like maybe God had it happen on purpose, to create something positive from it. Think of all the foundations out there, in the name of someone who died from a horrible disease, like breast cancer. If Susan Kohn hadn't died of this disease, there would be no pink ribbon pins and magnets everywhere, no foundation in her name, no marches, runs, and other fundraising events to continue the important research into curing it. And what about Gilda Radner? God I loved her! She was awesome! How sad that she died so young. But, there is a Gilda Radner foundation right down the street here in Pittsburgh that may not have existed if she hadn't died. Her death has helped many others cope with cancer too. I don't know what good has come out of John Belushi's death, other than a nice career for his brother James perhaps...and what about Phil Hartman? His poor kids are orphaned, but maybe they will accomplish something great in their lives, who knows. Sure, I know sometimes people are killed and nothing good happens because of it...I'm not sugar-coating anything about crime or senseless killing, don't misunderstand me. I'm just trying on a new, more positive perspective...which is something most who really know me personally would applaud, even if I go about it wrong or write something skewed like it may seem I'm doing right now.

All my life I've been looking at the world and these crimes as evil, nothing makes sense anymore, it's all out of whack, it's chaos, scarey, negative and vile. Why a mother would kill her own child is something I will never understand; but, if something positive comes from it, that child (who may have been a burden on society otherwise) really caused the good thing to happen in our world for everybody else to benefit from in future, right? Then we should celebrate that child as a hero, not mourn the loss and let the sadness take over. It's a human condition, to want to make a happy ending out of something that seems so hopeless, so this perspective is one I've been contemplating lately. Trouble is, today most humans give up wanting that happy ending, and resigning themselves to the coldness of reality. Hope is lost.

Christmas is only a few days away. There will be fires consuming lives, homes, communities, and acreage on Xmas day, like there are every year. Car accidents will occur, people will die in hospitals, in their bathtubs, and some will kill themselves like my friend Thom did three years ago...but his is one death that I cannot shift perspective on though, because as far as I know, nothing good came out of it. He left an ex-wife and 3 teenaged kids behind, to suffer through the holidays every year with his memory haunting them. There might be something good coming out of it, like perhaps when his female friend called me a week later to say that she got my frantic emails, IMs and phone messages but that "he was just on vacation for awhile and would be back soon..." (she did not know he had committed suicide, I had to be the one to tell her). So, maybe that was a good thing, but it sure sucked to cry on the phone for hours with a total stranger, who was told to take care of some of his personal matters for him; check his email for him, his voicemail, etc., give some belongings of his to his family members; she saw nothing alarming about this. He lied to her, they had dinner, and he left. She had no idea he was never coming back. Maybe in some way, I helped this woman through the pain of losing my friend.

But mostly I think of Anne Frank. Her life was cruelly taken at the age of 16, but without her death, her diary may never have been found, much less published, her hiding place would never become an important Museum, her foundations would not exist, and nobody would even know her name. For all the good that she did to further Holocaust education, her death created hundreds of jobs for us, hundreds of books, several films, a play, and a hugely powerful lesson for all to learn even now. And for that matter, without the horrors created by Hitler and all his minions, there would be no museums about the Holocaust, there would be no HateWatch programs through the Southern Poverty Law Center tracking hate groups and neo-Nazi groups in the US right now, thousands of jobs would not still be created because of him. Sure, it kicked me right in the gut when I realized if it weren't for Hitler, I wouldn't have a job (when I worked at the US Holocaust Memorial Museum)...I was sick to the core of my being, knowing he put food in my fridge, paid my rent, my car payment, etc., BUT...I was trying to do something GOOD to counteract all the evil he created.

I just failed miserably, and let him win, when 9/11 scared me into quitting and hiding from the world the past 7 years. I carry this guilt and burden every day. My need to continue educating kids about these important lessons is one that is unmet. It haunts me, gnaws at me, and I feel that I have given up hope about ever doing it again. Nobody listened to all the good things we tried to teach every day, after all, on 9/11, why would anybody listen to me now? I tried, I failed, and I hurt because of it. No amount of therapy will ever remove that hurt or that tremendous guilt that I hold on my shoulders every day. I mean, I turned my back on all those Holocaust Survivors that I worked with every day and considered to be my FAMILY almost...I ran home with my tail between my legs, leaving them to fend for themselves, in the middle of Ground Zero DC, without so much as saying goodbye. I did exactly the same thing as all those "good Germans" did, when faced with fear for my own life. I used to believe that I would have fought back against the Nazis, knowing what I know about the history now...but the reality is, I did not fight back against the terrorists when THEY attacked. I ran away, scared. This shames me more than anything I could tell you about my exploits into BDSM ever has or will. It is my personal hell, living with myself day after day, knowing I failed so badly.

But...perhaps someone better and stronger and more brave than me took over where I could no longer proceed at the Museum. Maybe someone there has succeeded, where I left off. Perhaps some good has come of it, somewhere. I just cannot see it. I certainly did not experience anything good in my life during the 3.5 years after 9/11 when I was forced to resign. In fact, ever since 9/11/01, I have had nothing but hardships and difficulty keeping a job, anti-social isolation, nightmares, depression, overwhelming hopelessness, sadness and apathy. It has been an ongoing struggle just to get through the day or the past 5 or 6 years.

Moving to Pittsburgh has helped me see that my life is not "over" like I once believed it to be. My PURPOSE in life, however, seems to be over, though. And I don't know how to re-invent myself to do something different now. I feel lost.

But these thoughts make me wonder at the good I did do when I was there, maybe something happened in the minds of some young kids I toured through the Museum with, and perhaps they have continued to learn and question things, and tell others about what they've learned...the time I spent there doing what my life's purpose is, may have created something good somewhere...I just wish I knew what. I try to change my perspective about all this from time to time, but being so close, and still so raw and recent to me, makes that ability rather difficult. I tend to spiral downward even now, when struggling to think positive about it.

Where will I be next Christmas? Will I still be living in Pittsburgh, with Pete? I hope so, because he has helped me see things through different eyes. He balances me out with his optimism. He hugs me when I need it. He's there for me. He's good for me, and to me. I would have continued getting more and more lost, I think, if he hadn't stumbled into my life by accident like he did. I never expected him to fall in love with me, or tear me away from my self-destructive relationship with a married man, or move me several states away from the only life I knew for so long. I wonder about where he and I will be living next year...will we still be together? Will we be planning a wedding? Or just part ways and be friends? I don't know, but I will promise him that I'm going to keep working at it---for I've never been in this type of relationship before and I don't know what the hell I am doing most of the time---but I'll keep trying, in hopes that it continues being good for us both.

Maybe something good will come from the hardships of life that we agree to face, together. I only hope I can cling to that positive perspective in 2009 more than I could in the previous 7 years.

Love, Sassy Girl