Letting go of DC

There comes a point when a person has to forfeit everything in their lives, to do what they never intended, to give up on certain things, values, beliefs, goals...to just let go of the things that they thought meant everything to them...and may still do...and this point in life is something I am currently trying to figure out for myself. It is confusing. It is heard rendering. It hurts.

This is not a pleasant "rite of passage," if you want to call it that, and I would also assert that it's the most painful experience I've ever endured. But I have this feeling of defeat, of giving up the fight, of just forfeiting the game. I have this feeling of failure that haunts me every day. It's a feeling brought on by leaving DC and moving to Pittsburgh to start a life with Pete. I have felt that way from the very beginning, that I'm being torn from the life I thought I wanted, and fought hard to try and get back in DC, after 3.5 years of drudgery and hardship in Michigan after 9/11 ripped my life apart.

I held on to the feeling that I wanted to be like Mary Tyler Moore, and go back to "civilization" (DC, which is an oxymoron), in order to get my life back, get my job back at the Museum, and a nice place of my own, toss my hat in the air, and give lots of bad parties. That was my hope, my goal, my dream, my plan. But I have been defeated of all that. I gave up on it. I got tired of fighting for it. I got tired of being discouraged and rejected all the time, beaten down and treated cruelly by life in DC. I got tired of going nowhere, getting nowhere, accomplishing nothing. I felt shut out, turned away, shunned, rejected, blackballed on a daily basis.

The only thing I had, was a good friend named Peter, who came to see me once or twice a week, who talked to me on the phone or chatted online with me every day, for 2.5 years. I confided in him, shared every problem and upset I was dealing with, asked for help---which was a huge thing for me to do, I'd never been able to ask anybody for help for a long long time, because I wanted to be independent and do everything by myself to prove I could. I felt that, even with just ONE person on my side, (which is really all I felt I had there), maybe I could get through these hard times, and maybe I COULD really get my life back. I felt with some kind of support and encouragement from him, to keep me going, I could keep fighting.

But then he pushed me away. I've been dealt the ultimate rejection from a Dom once before, namely my Dom friend Thom, who committed suicide and sent ME the note in an instant message, telling me how much he "cherished me." This situation with Peter is not the ultimate rejection, but it hurts just as badly as Thom's suicide did, and I'm still not over that either. I don't know if I will ever be able to get over Peter, because I've been pushed away, shunned, rejected, hurt, and betrayed by him, the one person I loved and looked up to, and thought of as a mentor/friend/lover/Dom and respected very much despite his infidelities during his marriage. I felt that I was providing him the opportunity to be true to himself, by being a Dom with me, when his own wife rejected that need he feels, over and over again, to the point where she pushed him into filling that need elsewhere with other women over the years, including me. I felt that my presence and role in his life, helped him to be a better husband, father, and family man...and in turn, made him happier too. That was what I lived for, knowing I helped him to be happier even though he had to live a dual life, being vanilla 90% of the time.

When he pushed me away, and forced me to go to the BDSM camp last summer, I knew then that he no longer had a need for me in his life. He no longer wanted me. I felt the same exact level of rejection then, that I do now, and it's all fresh and new again, because he's now pushed me away again, by telling me not to write to him anymore. I knew then that if I had stayed, he would have continued to be with me, to use me, we would have continued the affair probably for a long time. But, he said to me one day, "I have the power to ruin your life you know." And really, when you think about it, either way, that has come true. If I had stayed, my life would have been ruined by him for a long time....and by moving on to start a new life in Pittsburgh, I feel ruined by him also. So, really, I didn't have much choice. I'm ruined no matter what.

That's how I feel, right or wrong, good or bad, I feel ruined, defeated, like I've forfeited my plans to get my life back, and now I'm just trying to get through the day. I don't have a life yet, here in Pittsburgh, not one of my own really. I don't have a real job yet so that's a big part of what I mean by having a life of my own. I have a lot of alone time, which I did before too in DC, but now, it's different because when I'm alone, I'm just disconnected from everybody and everything. There, at least, I was still connected to Peter via instant message, or email, or phone calls.

Pete and I have a good strong solid friendship and basis for a long relationship together. There is a connection between us, but it's not the same. I mean, I love them both, but in different ways. Just like Peter loves his wife in one way, he loved me in a different way...or at least, I'd like to THINK he did. Maybe still does, I don't know. But the evidence he presents seems to say the exact opposite of that, doesn't it....sure it does....but again I say, "Methinks he doth protest too much." So I'm not buyin' it.

I wonder if perhaps my need for the level of BDSM that Peter and I shared is just as bad as his need for it is now too. Maybe that is why he feels the need to distance himself from me, to avoid the gaping empty place that is no longer being filled by the BDSM we had together. Maybe he just needs a really good blowjob. It's been nearly 6 months since I gave him one. He told me the first time we got together that he could never reach an orgasm from oral sex----it just wasn't possible for him. I laughed and said, "How long have you fooled yourself into believing such a thing?" And I made sure I proved him wrong EVERY TIME. I think he was astonished by this, and because I'm no longer there to give him that, I think he's closing himself down.

We will both wither and die with BDSM, Peter and I. I don't think, however, that Pete would wither and die without it. In fact, I think he would do just fine if all we ever did was vanilla, missionary-style sex. That is why I say that I feel a different kind of love for them both, in different ways. I wish there was some way I could rewind things with Peter and have Pete see them, to understand what I mean, to see what I experienced, to know what I feel. There's no way for me to do that, of course.

Pete brought up a very good point this evening, after we saw the film THE READER, which is very very good, and I highly recommend it. He said, "There is a very big difference between forgiveness, and reconciliation. Forgiveness is a very personal and private thing that nobody else needs to know about. It is something within yourself that you can do, even without the person you're forgiving knowing about. But, reconciliation takes two people to sit down together, talk out the conflict and arrive at a resolution, and continue the relationship."

I've been thinking a lot about this.

Pete tells me I have to let go of DC and move forward and put the past behind me.....but at the same time, he wants to go there tomorrow, to avoid the insanity of Pittsburgh during the Super Bowl, and to go to the BDSM club there for an overnight party. I don't feel in the mood to go there tomorrow. Everything there reminds me of Peter. Everything there is hurtful or upsetting to me, the hardships I endured there are still fresh and it's like scraping a scab on an unhealed wound. Part of me wants to go back to the Museum and see it again, and see some of the people I worked with, and the Survivors. But, it also hurts me to do that. It causes me considerable upset, to go there and reminisce with people about when I used to work there, because then my heart hurts and I wish so much that I still worked there, I just cannot keep going there like that, it hurts too much because I can never get it back.

Staying overnight at the house I lived in, according to Pete, would "give me a better night's sleep, avoiding the honking horns and whooping partiers after the Superbowl game ends," but the reality for ME is, I would feel the same hurt and upset by being there, because I gave up on it, I forfeited living there, I resigned---I can never go back to it, even though I have WANTED to with all my heart----so even though I would no longer be in the basement apartment, I'd be upstairs in what used to be another roommate's bedroom, and I would be laying there with Pete, remembering every damned thing that occurred with Peter down in that basement bedroom of mine. I relive moments with Peter all the time here as it is, I don't need to be in the same house reliving it, I wouldn't get a wink of sleep the whole night. So, since I won't sleep well in Pittsburgh Sunday night, why drive 4 hours to experience the same sleepless night for different reasons?

I feel torn between these two places, these two worlds, these two men. I imagine I will feel torn for a long time about it all. I live dual lives, sometimes, in my head. I imagine how busy the day might be in the Museum, if my Survivors ever miss me or talk about me, or think of me, I wonder how my best friend's kids are doing in Michigan, where they are, who they are hanging out with, if they ever think of me or miss me, or talk about me....I now wonder about Peter in the same way. What is he doing, how is he feeling, does he have someone else there to provide the BDSM he needs to live and breathe and be true to himself, or is he dying slowly inside, withering away like me, living mostly without it?

Pete and I do have some BDSM times together, but it's different. I can't quite put my finger on WHY it's different, but the feeling is totally different, but for the life of me, the harder I try to figure out why, the more perplexed I am...I honestly don't know why that is. Some things that I used to do a lot, like wear nipple clamps on a regular basis, I can't do anymore, because apparently the "immunity" my body had built up, has dissipated to the point where they really hurt too much and I can't have them on for very long at all. I used to wear them for a long time, each time. Other things like that, have affected my ability to focus and concentrate on it, and to get enjoyment out of it. I am frustrated by this, and I'm sure Pete is too, because he thought I was some sex-kitten goddess BDSM queen or something, and I'm not. I used to be more limber than I am, and could hold bondage much longer than I can now. I am starting to think perhaps I should just give up completely on BDSM from this point on, I just cannot endure much because it is occurring less frequently.

So, the thing I am pondering now is, with time and a lot of thought, I believe deep inside that I can forgive Peter. I don't know what's going on in his heart, I don't know how he feels about me really, I THOUGHT I knew, but now I'm not sure I really knew much of anything that he felt towards me, maybe he was just faking it all, maybe it wasn't as real and as deep as I thought. Maybe I was just hoping it was, wishful thinking it was, I don't know. I just know that I hurt inside because of him, just as I would if I had stayed and continued being with him. Moving on to Pittsburgh hasn't changed the level of hurt I feel from him. It has intensified. He did have the power to ruin my life, surely, but that's the thing about BDSM...."having the power to ruin another human being, but knowing and trusting that they never would."

Well, I trusted, and thought I knew that Peter never would ruin me, but I guess I was wrong. I feel completely ruined.

So, sure, in time, maybe I can forgive him...but I also want to reconcile with Peter...and even as I type this, I know he will not allow that. I was hoping that somehow, Pete and I could sit down with Peter, and talk about BDSM stuff, and maybe Peter could show him things that he and I used to do and enjoy together, to teach him stuff that he has never tried before with a submissive, to SHARE ME with him, if only once, to help Pete and I. That is something Peter promised he would do before I moved, but has now since refused to even entertain the notion, so I am hoping for reconciliation, but I know at least right now, he would never go for that. Pete probably wouldn't go for that either, for all I know. It's just something I had hoped for.

How strange, Pete just came in and said, "I know you love to write in a journal, so here's one for you..." and it has the words NEVER SURRENDER DREAMS on the cover...with a signature from the guy who created Babylon 5.

But I feel I have surrendered my dream, and I feel I have given up the fight, surrendered and settled for this move to Pittsburgh instead, somewhere new to start over fresh, to begin a new life, I thought....but why then do I miss the quicksand of DC that I hated when I lived there, but that still remains on my shoes?

This is what I ponder tonight as I sign off and go to bed. Six weeks from now I will be living in a house with Pete and his son Nate, starting a new life together living as a family...we have been doing that in the house we currently live in, sure, but in two separate apartments. So this new house is different, a totally different situation. It's more grown-up than I've ever been, it's not just like having a roommate like I've always had, it's more than that....and it means everything to both Pete and I.

But at the same time, I still miss Peter, I still wonder "what if," and I can't seem to let it go....even though I know I have to. I hope the pain of this will make me stronger later on, but right now it has depleted my energy and depressed me very much.

Love, Sassy Girl