Sigh.

I have a strange feeling of anxiety today. Maybe that's normal for people who are buying a house, I don't know, but this is NOT the best time in the world, especially in such a crappy economy, to be going after a house like we are, especially when one out of two people (that would be ME), has no real job yet to support it. Are we NUTS?! Are we doing the right thing, or is this just going to be a big FUBAR that we are oblivious to right now, caught up in the excitement of the whole idea, rather than being practical and realistic?? Will we get there, stand in the middle of the place surrounded by hundreds of boxes and say to ourselves, "Holy CRAP what have we done?!"

Maybe it's too soon. Maybe we are rushing things too much. Maybe we're not really ready for such a huge step. I don't know.

Funny, how when you start dating somebody after YEARS of not dating, suddenly these guys come out of nowhere and seem interested in me....recently, my friend Tim resurfaced after a couple of years of nothing---I mean he disappeared into the great blue yonder one day and never returned my emails or phone calls, so I thought maybe he croaked. He took some very awesome lingerie photos of me once, and suddenly out of the blue he sends me an instant message to see if I am still alive!! We chatted a bit, and he sent me a CD with all those pics on it, because I have lost them somewhere, and he included this note that asked me to take 5 photos of myself PEEING to send back to him----HA!! No way Jose!! What a weirdo!! I found a picture of a cherub statue peeing in a fountain and put my face on it, and sent THAT to him instead. hehehehe

Then my friend Charles has been calling and sending emails, promising me a package with a DVD and CD of his band, and photos too...which (as usual), I have yet to receive. He does this all the damned time though, telling me all about his new project, or new tour, or new musician he's performing with, etc., but he promises me all this stuff all the time and I have yet to receive ONE package from him, EVER. So I don't know what the hell his deal is, but he is now sending me these text messages that want me to tell him about my BDSM escapades, and details of what I do, and how it feels, etc. Now, I gotta tell ya, that is just plain WEIRD for him to do that, because he's been so religious and avoided everything sexual for so many years, it's just not like him to be like this. So I don't know what the hell to think.

And of course, then there's Peter...and ya know, I've been thinking a lot about him lately, his most recent email telling me to move on and leave him alone, he doesn't want to be involved in my lovelife with Pete, etc.----which, at first, stunned me because it's because of Peter that I am even WITH Pete in the first place--this whole thing was HIS idea. But now that I have taken a step back to think about it, I am seeing something different. What I am seeing, is that he's told me ever since I've known him how he prefers to remain good friends with his submissives, even after they are no longer seeing him. He's got friends in other states that he's been with intimately, but who have moved on, and he still chats with them and emails them and talks to them on the phone. He even meets them for lunch sometimes, or dinner, if they come back to town to visit. I've always admired that about him, the ability to put behind any angst that might have existed in the relationship, and remain good friends...that takes a person who has a strong sense of self-esteem and a higher level of maturity than most to accomplish such a thing. I really truly admired that about him.

So I guess that's why I have been wondering why he can't seem to do that with ME.

Well a thought came to me today, that makes me wonder. Could it be, that I'm not LIKE those other submissive women he's been with, perhaps there was MORE with me than those others, maybe---just maybe----this moving away has been hard on him, more than he'd like to admit---and maybe, when he told me he loved me on those many occasions, he was just saying it like lip service at the time, but MAYBE there's actually some love THERE that he's having a hard time dealing with. I don't know, and hey, maybe I'm just wishful thinking. But he did say he loved me, he just couldn't be IN love with me. I wonder now, with all of his "methinks he doth protest too much" emails, if perhaps he is missing me more than he ever thought he would. Maybe THAT is why it would be too difficult to "be involved" with my relationship with Pete. Maybe it hurts him a little. I'd like to think that the man I knew for 2.5 years and loved very much, would never just suddenly turn cruel and mean and rude out of nowhere---that's what it has felt like to me, like he's suddenly some ogre I never knew at all----but there has to be some reason WHY he's behaving this way. I still love him, and want him to be in my life as my friend, but maybe he THOUGHT he COULD do that, but is finding out now that he is having a hard time and can't. I really don't know, and maybe HE doesn't even know either, but it's something I've been pondering today. I've been re-reading some of the emails from the beginning of our relationship, and it has made me feel that, despite his being married, I would do it all over again in the blink of an eye if I had the chance. No doubt in my mind whatsoever. I would still be with him if he hadn't pushed me towards Pete, too.

So of course, it leaves me feeling sad, missing him, wanting to sit down face to face to really talk to him about all this. But that just isn't going to happen, he won't allow it. And so all I can do is sit and wonder, and yes it also makes me feel like running to him, but I can't. Five months have gone by since I've seen him, and it feels like forever. I've missed him terribly. But I'm trying to do what he's said, I'm trying to move on, and focus on this relationship with Pete, and getting a new job and a new life here in Pittsburgh. We're going to move to this new house soon, too.

The friendship should still be strong between Peter and I, though, he's someone I admire, he's someone I connect with on so many levels, he's someone I trusted with my body and my mind, and my life, for nearly 3 years. I am too attached to him to just let it go completely. I realize the romantic and sexual part has to end, and that's been very difficult for me too, but I still want the friendship to continue, no matter what. I can do that, I can be there for him, I can be his friend. I just don't know if HE can reciprocate that or not. It feels like he's unable to get over ME, with all the emails deliberately pushing me away. It's not exactly flattering though, it's more like, "Come on, talk to me, Peter, we've always been able to really TALK about stuff, I miss that about you. Be real, tell me what's going on in your head and your heart. Don't just treat me like I'm some stranger on the street, I know damned well I mean more to you than that."

I hope he can overcome whatever is preventing him from being my friend. I really do.

Sure, I love Pete, otherwise I wouldn't be here living with him...but the two men are completely different, and so I love them both in different ways. There is no crime in that, is there? I have over 650 emails from Peter, and I still re-read them. That should tell you something about our relationship and how much it still means to me, and probably always will. I just wish he could be the friend that I've missed all these months. It feels like an unresolved conflict, and I cannot rest until it's resolved.

Love, Sassy Girl