TGIF

This has not been a very good week for me. I'm glad it's over. Mostly I am sad that things have been rather awkward between Pete and I lately, because of this house that we've been hoping to get. I guess we were NOT on the same page about it, as I had previously thought, and he was NOT as enthused as I was about moving there.

He announced to me that we should look elsewhere to find a better place, and I was stunned into silence the rest of the evening, trying to work it out in my head. I wondered how I would be able to turn off the excited planning of decorating the place that I've been obsessed with these past few weeks, without crashing and burning into a smoldering flame of resentment...how do I pretend to be happy about some other house, when THIS ONE is the one I've got so attached to...I went to my "cave," to think about these things, halting my over-enthusiastic obsession, feeling an immense sadness, wishing there was some way to make it all work for us. He misinterpreted my silence as "shutting him out," and "ignoring him," but he really didn't have anything to do with my silence...I was struggling to sort through my emotions that are wrapped around this house, trying to figure out how to let it go without crying.

Pete and I seem to have different ways of communicating, and they don't always match very well. I go to my cave a lot, and try to work through things by myself, because that's all I've ever known how to do all my life, having been alone most of the time. He feels I should be more dependent on him and talk to him about these feelings rather than bottling them up...of course, that's not something I can just change overnight. It takes practice and time to re-learn habits like that. I told him I don't know what the hell I'm doing, when it comes to relationships, and that's when he said the kiss of DEATH to every submissive woman out there in the universe: (something a Dom should NEVER EVER admit or say to a sub)..."I don't know what the hell I am doing either." I was stunned yet again, and instantly scared to death to the point where I just wanted to run far far away and hide. When a Dom says he doesn't know what he's doing, the sub is completely devastated and lost. Needless to say, I had a very upsetting meltdown at that point.

So after some cave time, soul-searching and feeling the need to retreat from this life, and from Pittsburgh, I told Pete yesterday I'm leaving him, moving back to DC, and will never date another person as long as I live, will never venture out, will just become a hermit like I should have STAYED before I met him, because every time I get close to anybody, I get hurt.

Case in point: Peter, my ex-Dom in DC, is someone I miss every day, I think about a lot, and assumed our new platonic friendship would still continue for a long time. He promised as much before I moved away. I took him to his word, and fully expected to be able to communicate with him via phone, email, etc., whenever the occasion allowed it. But yesterday, after I sent him an email about this fight I was having with Pete, he wrote back and said it was "unhealthy" for me to "involve him" by sending him "twists and turns of my relationship with Pete," which he no longer "had any interest in." He doesn't want to be involved, he has moved on, and says so should I.

But I say, HE is the one who practically THREW me at Pete, in the first place, so yes, that does mean he's involved, whether he likes it or not. And I HAVE moved on, I'm not looking to Peter to be my Dom again, I'm not asking him to have sex with me anymore, I know that part will forever and always be OVER between us. The FRIENDSHIP part is what I thought we could both rise to and continue, since he always prided himself on still having close friendships with his PREVIOUS submissives. Why then, can't I be like them, and still remain his friend? I have asked him this question, but he so far is not answering it.

This whole thing was HIS IDEA, really...it was HIM who coerced me to pursue a relationship with Pete, (I didn't want to), and to leave DC, (I didn't want to), and to start a new life in Pittsburgh, which I also did not want to do. At the beginning of all this, I felt Pete was trying to steal me away from the only guy on the planet who ever really understood me. Peter is someone I LOVED VERY MUCH, and how DARE this Pete guy come along to try and take me from him? That is how I felt at the beginning of all this.

Pete loves me, more than any other guy I've ever known before, and I cannot just walk away from that. But when we have fights, I feel it's ruined, everything sucks, and I should just end the whole thing and forget it and leave. That does NOT mean I am looking to Peter to rescue me, or rekindle the flame with me, that just means I needed someone, a friend, to talk to about it. He is apparently not feeling the friendship I thought we had, and this makes me feel very sad.

So I have had a royally crappy week, for many reasons, not just this stuff. We may NOT get this house, and then I will be even more upset than I was earlier this week. My period started, so I had PMS really bad too. I have been on this roller coaster of emotion all week long, and I'm frazzled and stressed out because of it. I just needed someone to talk to about it. But I got slapped down, and it hurt me very much.

I have since worked things out with Pete, we've talked it all out, we're working on mending the upset, and I'm going to try and stick it out here in the 'burgh. I'm just sorry that some guys, namely Peter, can't get over their own ego enough to rise to the challenge of keeping an ex-submissive-lover as a platonic friend. I thought so much better of him than this, I believed in him to keep his word, and yet I am once again disappointed that he won't.

Bye for now.

Love, Sassy Girl