Pete took me to see the comedian Larry Miller last weekend, at the Improv. It was hilarious! I have liked him a long time. He has a new book out now, it's called "SPOILED ROTTEN AMERICA," and it's funny!! He signed the book to me also!
I just got back from 2 days in DC. During my time there, I called several people I knew, who called themselves my friend for many years. However, only 2 of those people returned my calls, and actually came to visit with me during my stay there. I had a nice dinner & mall shopping excursion with my friend Barbara, who drove all the way from Baltimore to see me, and then I had a very nice photo shoot with my buddy Tim, who took sexy lingerie photos of me to give to Pete for Valentines Day.
The others, including Peter, didn't even give me so much as a common courtesy call to say they couldn't make it for whatever reason. I asked him to meet with me for lunch, so I could share my good news: my book is going to be published. I've been working on this book for YEARS, and he knew how important it was to me...so I thought it would be nice to sit down with him for a short while and go over the plans for publication that I'm working on. I simply wanted that chance to put some closure on the relationship with him, on a positive and happy note with this great news.
However, he didn't even bother to return my emails or my calls. Funny coincidence, neither did my former coworker Charlene, the chick I tried to set up with Peter before I moved, so the two of them could safely pursue a D/s relationship. Now, if you think about it, both of these people who had been very close friends of mine were, at first, very open to the idea of hooking up together, and they seemed to really hit it off with lots of things in common. And, hey, since it WAS my idea in the first place for that to happen, I would have been very happy to end everything, move away, and know that they decided to go for it. That would have given me some much-needed closure, and it seemed to be a "win-win" situation for all of us. I mean, that was the whole point of getting them together, so that I could go away and know that Peter's needs would still be met by this new submissive, and Charlene's needs would also be met by Peter. I would have been able to say, "I've done a good deed," and put closure to the entire relationship with Peter once and for all.
But, the funny coincidence is, neither Peter nor Charlene bothered to return my calls or emails. Now, they both had said to me before that they decided NOT to go for it, NOT to hook up, and NOT to be anything more than just friends. I was disappointed at this, but you can't force such a thing. However, it left me feeling, as a submissive myself, like I had completely failed to help them both get their needs met. THIS IS WHY I HAVE HAD SUCH A HARD TIME with putting an end to all this stuff with Peter. The lack of communication from both of them makes it seem glaringly obvious that they lied to me about getting involved with each other, because they didn't want me involved. But I wouldn't have BEEN involved, I would have walked away knowing that I had made them both happy. As a submissive, I would have then been able to say, "It's all over, I've done a good thing for them both, they are happy, and I can move on."
So I am jumping to the conclusion that the two of them ARE together, and ARE seeing each other, and just don't have the common courtesy to say so, perhaps being afraid it might hurt me somehow. It won't though. I wanted them to hook up. I would like to say to both Peter and Charlene, I hope you DID hook up, I hope you ARE seeing each other, and I hope that both of you are meeting each other's needs and are HAPPY together. I know they are both married to other people, but a D/s relationship even outside of a vanilla marriage can and SHOULD enhance the relationship with their spouse, because they are being true to themselves and getting those needs met that those spouses are unable to meet for whatever reason.
They don't really need it, but here it is in writing: I GIVE PETER AND CHARLENE PERMISSION TO SEEK A D/S RELATIONSHIP WITH EACH OTHER, I always did since the day I had them meet each other. If Peter had only said to me, "I'm pursuing Charlene now," I would have said, "Oh wow, okay, that's great I'm glad, I'll bow out as gracefully as I can, and I hope you guys will be happy for a long time like you have made me," then I would have been able to mentally prepare myself much better for leaving him, and moving to Pittsburgh. As it was, he "released" me from service right before I left, which pissed off Pete very much, and left ME feeling completely devastated and having a very difficult time adjusting to my new life in Pittsburgh all these months.
Peter handled the situation very badly, and if he and Charlene lied to me about getting together, I just want them to know that I have suspected that they were lying all along. But, it would explain why they both have fallen completely silent towards me. Okay, I will respect the fact that you handled ending things with me very poorly, in order to start something with her. But it just seems that common decency would dictate a return email or phone call, stating as much. That's all I am saying. I wouldn't completely diss THEM for any reason, so I feel they are treating me unfairly and in a shitty way.
Until now, that shitty treatment has caused me a lot of hurt, and upset, and heartache. Until now, it really bothered me a lot. But something changed while I was in DC, and I know now that even if they treat me shitty by remaining silent, it no longer hurts, it no longer bothers me, it just means they've burned a bridge with me, and that's their choice. I have a clear conscience about it all, so if THEY are the ones having a problem, it's not MY issue and I do not have to let it cause me grief anymore.
While I was in DC, I stayed at the house I once lived at, and I lay there on the futon, thinking before falling asleep, and I realized with an overwhelming epiphany, that I could never go back there again. I lived there for nearly 10 years, so it felt like HOME to me, before I moved to Pittsburgh. Now, though it's only been 6 months later, it no longer feels like "home" to me at all. It felt like just a plain old townhouse, much in need of updating. The homeowner, David, has moved on and gotten married. The people I once knew as roommates have also moved on. I have moved on as well.
But until this week's visit, I always felt like it was my home, and I could always go back there if I needed to. David even gave me permission to live there again. So, I felt I had a "Plan B," if things didn't work out in Pittsburgh. But, having just returned there and contemplated all these things, I realized with a deep sense of clarity, that I don't really WANT to go back there, and the one thing that I missed most about that neighborhood was the nice wooded trail leading to the metro station, that I once walked my dog on every day---I loved it because there were deer, and racoon, fox, rabbits, owls, etc.---but unfortunately, that trail is no longer going to be available for people to use, due to construction that is going on for new condos nearby.
There really is nothing in DC for me anymore. I didn't even feel like going to the USHMM to visit, like I usually do. So I focused on putting "FOR RENT" signs around the place, to find a new person to move in for David's mortgage to be paid, and I painted the kitchen, did all my laundry, and went to the doctor and the dentist that I used to go to, and then I went shopping. One of my favorite stores also went out of business, which bummed me out. So really, I feel like the place is dead to me now, and there's no point in me ever going back there. This realization has helped me immensely, to put things to rest in my mind and focus on moving on now, here in Pittsburgh, with Pete.
In fact, we're only 4 weeks from moving into our new house...AND, he is talking with his bosses' boss this week to see if we will be sent to San Francisco, for Pete to work at the company headquarters for 3-6 months. We'll still have a house here, but we'd be living out there through the summer, maybe longer. I am hoping that we can go, I've never been there before so it would be interesting.
So, while I could at any time, send Peter's wife a package of emails, photos, etc., to help him "simplify his life," a bit more---I mean how much simpler can you get with no more wife & kids?----but I won't. Or, hey, I could send the package to his wife for Valentines Day if I really wanted to hurt him in a horrible way......but I won't. And while I was in DC, I even thought about leaving a trailer hitch either through the windshield, or just near his car at his office, as a calling card to say, "You're a jerk"....but I didn't. I could have, but I didn't. I could have even gone so far as to hand-deliver such a package to his wife, because I know where he lives---I could have just shown up at his house while he was at work and had a little chat with her face-to-face if I had wanted to. Sure, I've been going back and forth between feeling angry, upset, hurt, sad, etc., and sure, I've thought about all these things, because these emotions are part of the GRIEVING PROCESS---I have felt a major LOSS regarding Peter, so I have been going through the stages of grief to try and get over it----and sure, I've even started reading through our old emails to see which ones might have the most punch to his wife----BUT---the fact remains that for the past 6 months, knowing I COULD do these things, but choosing NOT TO, should prove to him that I never would.
While I COULD do these things to hurt him at any time, my gut feeling to the core of my inner self, says, "No need to, why bother, he's not worth the effort, and his wife already knows he's unfaithful to her. She just chooses to live with it." And, frankly, that situation seems sadder and more hopeless and miserable than anything I could ever do to him myself. He will eventually be caught by his wife, confronted by her when she gets fed up with living with it, and he will end up alone in the end, retired as a weekend dad, living in a studio apartment, paying alimony until he dies. He will bring it all upon himself.
The best revenge, I've been told, is to live well. And so, my life with Pete will be just that: LIVING WELL. That includes letting go and moving on from Peter, and DC, and everybody there. I have no intention of ever going back there again. If David needs help with getting roommates into his house, I can try and do things from Pittsburgh via email & phone, but he's on his own otherwise. I won't set foot in that house again, or be in that neighborhood again. I am all done with driving down there.
So....I'm moving to a new house in Pittsburgh, my book is going to be published soon, I may be living in San Francisco for awhile with Pete, and every now and then I get to meet famous people and have my picture taken with them. Not too shabby, eh? Plus I was told today by Pete that I don't even have to work unless I want to, which is a nice luxury I've never had before, so I'm going to spend the springtime & possibly summertime decorating the new house, going to a yoga class, losing weight, and working on a sequel to my first book.
Life is good.
Goodbye Peter, goodbye Charlene, goodbye DC and everybody and everything in it. I am moving on and will let the rest go.
Love, Sassy Girl
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