Control freak does NOT = "Dom"

Had a brief discussion at dinner the other night. Pete said that his friend Lisa repeatedly told him that he's not a Dom, which bugged him. I told him I would agree with her statement. He didn't understand why I would agree. I tried to explain to him that he's mostly vanilla, but that he does have some Dominant potential. I knew that about him, going into this relationship, and I simply hoped that he would grow into a more Dominant role with me at some point.

I'm starting to wonder if perhaps I was wrong. He may never grow into the role of Dom. I learned that lesson last night, and I am saddened by it.

Last night, I think he attempted to be Dominant with me, but unfortunately he failed miserably. He raised his voice, louder and louder as he talked in anger, and then he threw things around the living room as he did it. This, my friends, is in no way, shape or form considered "Dominant behavior." It is, unfortunately, CONTROL FREAK BEHAVIOR. There is a huge difference between the two things. Only vanilla idiot men consistently act like control freaks, using verbal abuse, anger, and lack of self-control as a way of keeping a woman down. Dominants try to guide & assist the submissive female to improve herself, with constructive criticism, suggestions, calm direction and lots of patience.

Do you see the difference?

He was upset that I was trying to accomplish the end goal of unpacking the kitchen, in a different order than what HE preferred I do it. I wanted to hang some curtains, and I was also unpacking boxes and putting things away at the same time. I flutter around a room, doing little by little, until it's all done. I see nothing wrong with that. It's just the way I do things. But, apparently that wasn't good enough. Apparently he did not see that I had items unpacked from a box also surrounding me. He yelled that he didn't WANT me to 'waste my time' with curtains, when the boxes were 'more important.' I say, it all had to be done, even the curtains, and since they were proving to take more time than I had originally thought, I figured that should be done first, because the boxes were easy to unpack and wouldn't take as much time. but that just wasn't the way he wanted it done.

We are very different, Pete and I. We think and do things differently. One way is not better than the other, just different. I don't criticize HIM for the way HE does things, like his two VANILLA ex-wives did. Why then, would he suddenly go ballistic on ME for doing something different than the way he would?

His temper tantrum/outburst was like something out of Jekyll and Hyde, coming out of nowhere, taking me completely off-guard, and throwing me instantly into major upset, which I am still seething in right now. In fact, I'm so hurt and disappointed in him right now, I don't even want to speak to him for awhile. He'll never be a Dom.

A week or two ago, he told me to take off my necklace. So, I have. The silver plated extension chain was rusting and causing the back of my neck to break out and discolor. He didn't measure my neck before he bought it, because it was a surprise, but it is just too small for me, so we got the extension. I haven't worn it in almost two weeks now. I don't know that I ever want to put it back on. Not if he continues being like that. I have no interest in being submissive to a man like that.

Today I took the cherry blossom necklace out of its box, the one Peter gave me, figuring I would wear it during the cherry blossom festival in a week or two that happens in DC every year...but because I didn't latch the clasp to it, now the delicate gold chain is all tangled up and confusing. Both of these necklace mishaps seem to be very symbolic to me, representing the relationships of each man in my life. Right now I have no interest whatsoever in pleasing Pete, I'm very angry that he can't even be man enough to say he's sorry after having a stupid outburst out of nowhere like that last night. Why is it, when men--or hell, anybody---hurts me, they never say they are sorry? What did I do to deserve that? If I had been in the same room with him, would he have thrown things at me too? Is this behavior going to escalate?

Let me clue everyone in on a secret about submissive women: If we don't RESPECT the man we are involved with, we have no interest or need to BE submissive to that man. And I don't respect a man who goes ballistic out of nowhere, screaming and yelling and throwing things, because he's unable to show self-control & discipline for HIMSELF. How the hell could he ever be a Dom and provide those things for me, if he has no clue how to do it for himself? Along with not apologizing, which earns him ZERO RESPECT, he's really pissed me off this time, to the point where I am sick and tired of this whole relationship.

I do not wish to be involved with a hot tempered control freak. That is NOT being a Dom. In fact, it's the furthest thing from it. We had been enjoying the day until that point. Then the rest of the evening was sour after that. I kept busy unpacking clothes in our bedroom upstairs while he was downstairs. I just did not want to be near him. Sharing a house with someone I can't stand and don't respect is something I have no interest in doing. He said this morning that "it won't work" between us if I can't do things the way he prefers them to be done.

I just said I agree, it won't work, and I walked away to go shower.

He is all excited about going to camp again this year, but frankly I'm not. I didn't want to go LAST YEAR either, but Peter insisted. This year, if Pete insists I go with him, I will just stay in the cabin or do my own thing, he can go do whatever he wants without me. He can do whatever he wants, with whomever he wants. I feel that this camp experience is going to end our relationship anyway. How can it continue, if this kind of thing keeps happening? This is not the first time he's done this. He can just go to camp without me, either way is fine, I don't really care.

I've decided that, if and when he gets the word from his boss to be sent to San Francisco, he can just go alone there too. I do not wish to be in the same car riding clear across country with a control freak who also has horrible road rage.

I am more and more convinced that I am better off alone in this world. Relationships are just not something I am good at. That is an unfortunate truth I've lived with all my life, and this just reinforces that belief.

I dreamed about Peter the other night, that he wanted me back, and I agreed that we should give it another try. That probably won't ever happen, of course, in real life. But it was a nice thought. It's not the first time I've dreamed it, either. Peter never once raised his voice at me, and never once threw anything. If he was angry, his voice got lower, his eyes narrowed, and he would say something simple like, "I don't think you want to go there, do you?" and I would know that I was skating on the edge of being in trouble. He exerted self-discipline and self-control at all times, he cautioned me if I was starting to displease him, and gave me a chance to change my behavior. He spanked me if I displeased him without changing my behavior. He talked to me about why he felt I needed to change something or do something the way he wanted it done. He treated me with respect, and in turn, I respected him right back, and I wanted with all my heart and soul to please him. THAT is the way a good Dom behaves, and treats his submissive. THAT is what I miss.

Unpacking is NOT rocket science, it does NOT have to be done in a certain way. If I feel like unpacking box A, instead of box B, or hanging curtains in the room first, or whatever the hell ELSE needs to be done in that room, then I will do it the best way I know how---but I WILL NOT BE MICROMANAGED, not at the work place, and certainly not in the home.

He didn't want to help me hang the curtains when I asked him for assistance, so I figured I would just do it myself. He had said he would do it later, (it involved drilling holes). But, because I have been an idependent chick all my life, I just decided I could figure it out on my own, and gave it a try with a hammer.

That is when he blew up at me. Instead of being Dominant, and calmly encouraging the subbie to learn some new skills and try something of her own initiative, he became Jekyll and Hyde, control freaking about the order in which I did things, spazzing and throwing things like a juvenile idiot. He turned me off totally. I was furious the rest of the night. He reminded me of my best friend's husband, who screamed his head off all the time about stupid stuff that really, in the big picture of things, did not really matter.

I decided long ago that I won't be with a man like that. I refuse to be in the same room, or the same house, with a man like that. So he's perfectly welcome to be a control freak if he wants to, but I do not have to live with that, nor do I wish to be near someone like that.

I deserve better.

He said last night and again this morning that he loves me. I say, yelling at me for no reason is not love. It is verbal abuse, and it is unacceptable. I've been sick all day long with diarrhea because I'm so upset about it, even now. I can already predict that I will end up leaving Pete, and moving elsewhere, if this control freak behavior and temper tantrums continue. I can and will find someone else who treats me better. I am all done with this stupidity. I'm not going to be in a relationship that includes pointless outbursts and Jekyll and Hyde crap, temper tantrums and walking around on eggshells. I lived with that during my childhood with my parents. I'm certainly not going to spend my declining adult years living with it anymore. It's just too dysfunctional and inappropriate for a grown man to behave like that.

He'd better just leave me alone for awhile. I don't want to talk about it. I did nothing wrong, and I deserve an apology, but if he can't do that, and if he can't control his own SELF, with some degree of self-discipline, then he's never EVER going to be a true Dom, he'll certainly never make me want to submit to him. He can just go find someone else to control freak and verbally abuse, in a vanilla relationship, which is all he really knows anyway. We are just too different. Maybe it's time we just agree that things will not work out, and walk away as friends. Maybe that's the best solution.

---Sassy Girl