I would like to clarify, for the official record, that I write on this blog in order to VENT about my feelings. I have nobody to talk to here in Pittsburgh, or anywhere else really for that matter, and since I've always had a journal, this blog is like my "private place" to come to, in order to spew venom and vent and just write whatever's in my head at any given moment. It is not, I REPEAT, NOT, written for the entertainment value of an audience. I don't give a rat's ass if anybody reads this blog or not, I am not writing it for YOU. I am writing it FOR ME. It helps me to get the upset feelings OUT of me, through my fingers and the keyboard, so that I can focus on other things. It's my therapy of choice.
Pete read the blog yesterday and wrote me a rather nasty and mean reply. He sent it to my work email address, which upset me even more. I had horrible diarrhea all day yesterday because I was a bundle of nerves the whole day, upset about the whole thing. I thought about putting his reply here, to dissect it and respond point by point, but the more I think about it, why bother? It's moot at this point. We talked about it all last night, and I think we have reached a better understanding. At least, I hope we have.
He said he gets tired of seeing Peter's photo in a frame, in HIS house...and if I can't remove it, then I can leave HIS house. He says he gets tired of being compared to Peter, and thrown over so I can go back to Peter---but he didn't read that I had said it was UNREALISTIC and WOULD NEVER HAPPEN because Peter dumped me flat, and why the hell would I ever go back to someone who hurt me like he did? I told Pete point blank and flat out that if I ever do leave him, I would simply find someone NEW. I didn't think Peter's wife would like me showing up to ask if he could come out to play again, ya know? And even if she got hit by a bus and he were single, would he come back to ME?? Probably not. I'm sure he's got some other chicky on the side by now, anyway. Peter is over and done, he made that perfectly clear, so what the hell is the problem, I asked Pete. I thought all the meltdowns I had about him when I first moved here, and being dumped cold and hard by Peter was the end of the whole issue, but apparently I was mistaken. Sure, I still love Peter, part of me always will. Sure, I have fond memories, and always will. Sure, sometimes I miss him so bad it aches, and sometimes I dream about him, just like I still dream about the Twin Towers collapsing on 9/11, and walking through the halls of the Museum in DC where I worked for 6 years. That does not mean I'm going to subject myself to more rejection BY Peter in real life. I'm not THAT stupid.
I asked Pete if he would ever go back to either one of his two ex-wives, and he said "hell no." Well, a person can't ever really GO BACK to the way things were with someone else, can they? There is no REWIND in life, unfortunately. Maybe I should say, fortunately, instead. So what if I wanted to wear the cherry necklace. That's all it is, a cherry necklace. The symbolic significance of it being some kind of "collar" from Peter has long since faded, and now it's just a gnarled mess that I can't wear anyway. I wanted to take Pete to DC to see the cherry blossoms, and that necklace is the ONLY cherry-related item I've got. It's a FESTIVAL, I reminded Pete, where people wear cherry clothes and carry cherry purses and wear cherry hats, etc., so I figured if we go see them, I would wear the cherry necklace. Big friggin' deal. But he was upset about that too, until I explained that it's just a necklace to me now, and will never hold the same feeling of being a collar ever again.
There were other things we discussed as well, but we are similar when we get angry about something---we clam up, or blow up. I tend to internalize everything, clamming up and just seething silently for awhile, dissecting my feelings BEFORE I write them out or talk about them with someone. Pete didn't even KNOW why he was so upset, until I asked him, and that triggered him to just blow up out of nowhere at me. I told him we need to set up some kind of code word, like CONFLABBID, so if we say that word to each other, it means, "I am angry at you right now but I can't formulate the reasons at this moment, we'll talk about it later, leave me alone." We need some kind of communication assistant to help us in those moments, so we can just lay low and let it work its way out without inadvertantly triggering more upset. I don't know how realistic that suggestion is, in implementing it, but it's something to consider. I told him I was completely oblivious to him being upset because I was in the other room, I couldn't SEE what he was doing, I had no clue that I was the cause of his upset, until he yelled at me. I told him to just always assume I am oblivious, because I cannot read his mind, nor would I even bother to try. I told him I avoid codependency like the plague, and I won't play that way.
So we talked about it last night, we agreed that we both need to work on communicating better. Pete also decided, without talking to me about it first, to cancel our registrations for going to camp. He just didn't want to go, knowing that it's not exactly a place that makes me happy. I would be thinking about last year, and how Duke followed me around like a lost puppy and Aryan ignored me the whole time and people like Allysin bugged the FUG outta me with her stupid bagpipes playing at all hours while I tried to sleep. I didn't have a very good time there, and of course I would be thinking about Peter too, which wouldn't be a happy thing either. So he decided for those reasons to just cancel our registrations. I know he was looking forward to going, so I feel bad about that, and if we work it out maybe we can re-register, there's time to do that if we change our minds about it. But that took me by surprise when he wrote that in his reply.
I don't know what the future holds for Pete and me. I make no promises that I cannot keep. But for now, I think we can try to work on talking things out more, and expressing our anger in a more positive way from now on. We also have very different definitions about certain things. Submissive is NOT a slave. Two totally different things. Control freak is NOT a Dominant trait. Boyfriend in MY definition means, going out on dates, holding hands, and sharing time together on a regular basis...not a twice-a-week boink with a married guy. Peter never really WAS my boyfriend. He was the closest thing I HAD to a boyfriend, but it wasn't anything more than an extramarital affair. He wanted to be done with me, so he sent me to camp in hopes that I would find someone else, so he could end it. And that's exactly what happened. So, it's over and done in my life, and there's no turning back. I don't send him email anymore, per his request, I don't write this blog for him, and I sincerely doubt he reads it anymore either. In fact, I may just delete this stupid thing once and for all, and just go covert and write in a regular journal by hand from now on, to avoid anymore angst that goes with it.
Pete's coming to meet me for lunch today. I hope we are okay now. Bye for now.
----Sassy Girl
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