A rather bad week...

Yeah, you might say last week was a rather bad week for me. I had my period, which is always a discomfort, so of course I'm not in the mood for any nooky at that point, it's just too painful. Then my beloved friend Flora passed away which threw me into major depression all week long...I'm still sad and depressed about her, and all my peeps at the Museum....and then I had a nasty case of diarrhea all day long on Friday, leaving me feeling sore and achey. So, none of those things had me feeling "in the mood."

But, despite these things, which would have been nice to talk about in detail with someone, Pete decided that we should have nooky anyway. He decides it's been "too long" without it, (3-4 days), and so he starts to do some oral on me. I figured, okay, that will be alright, I can handle that...and then he gets out the glass dildo and inserts it inside me, which is very nice also. I don't know why he did this, though, just as I was starting to really get into this whole thing and get all warmed up and stuff, but then he removes the dildo from the front and wants to put it in the back. I'm like, "Noooooo..." and I squirmed and said, "No, it's not a good idea, let's not go there," and yet he kept trying, and I was starting to really get upset. So finally he just stops everything, stands up, and leaves the room. If he can't have his way, he pouts. So there I am, all revved up, and he stops everything, and just leaves the room because he's peeved that I was too sore to take what he wanted to give my ass.

And this is partially why I feel so depressed all the time. It's always what he wants, when he wants it, he goes wherever HE wants to go, we do whatever HE wants to do, and I feel like he doesn't hear me or listen to me at all. My opinions, my wants, my needs don't seem to matter much, as long as HE is happy, that's all that counts I guess. I feel like I'm stuck here, just to be a witness to HIS life, without a life of my own. I've become dependent on him for everything, and it bothers me very much. I have no job right now, even the temp jobs have dried up, so he's the one giving me a weekly "allowance" like I'm a child. He takes my car to work all the time, too, leaving me stranded, and feeling like I'm trapped here, a bird in a cage. His son got into a fender bender and is taking his sweet damned time in fixing his stupid headlight so he can drive his own damned car again, so he's using Pete's car right now. So of course, Pete is using MY car all the time, and here I sit, all alone every day, bored to death and feeling like a caged bird.

Needless to say, I felt very upset and lost yesterday, but of course, neither one of us talks about it. I feel like I'm not being heard so why bother, he feels like avoiding it will make it go away. The only thing he said later on while we were having lunch was, "You need to speak up more if there's something you don't like in bed," and I said, "I DID speak up and I did tell you that it was not a good idea because I felt sore." He said, "No, you just squirmed around and whined...but nevermind, it doesn't matter."

Well, again we must agree to disagree, as we seem to be doing about everything lately---I say it DOES matter.

If I were to start giving HIM oral, and then stopped suddenly and walked out of the room, knowing full well he was all revved up, ohhhhh God, the depths of hell would open up and the wrath would be upon me. God forbid I should ever do THAT. But he seems to think it's perfectly okay to just stop everything, and walk away just because he can't play with my ass right then and there. He sulks and pouts and won't talk to me, so I got up, got dressed, made the bed, and went downstairs to my living room to watch an old movie. What else could I do? I thought about bringing the hitachi wand with me to finish what he started, but then I figured, "why bother." It just isn't the same. So I just sat there miserable, trying to zone out and watch a movie, trying to rid myself of the revved up feeling, trying to just put it all aside so that I could focus on other things.

So then later in the same evening he asks for me to give him some oral. Excuse me? I just smiled and said, "No." It's a two way street, and in my book, you get what you give. I didn't get what I needed, so why should I give him what he needs? It's a "do unto others" kind of thing ya know. I could have returned the favor, got him all hot and bothered, and just stopped. And believe me, the thought DID cross my mind to do just that. But, I figured saying "no" was more effective. He thinks he can just use me for sex whenever he wants it, but even if I'm not in the mood or I'm having other issues and can't focus on it, that doesn't matter at all. Rather than spending time talking to me about the things I'm feeling, he just plows on through and pulls my legs up over his head and dives right in. I stare at the ceiling and cry sometimes but he doesn't know I'm crying. He's oblivious to it. He only wants what he wants, when he wants it. And I'm the subbie, so of course, in his mind, I should just suck it up and oblige him whenever the mood strikes.

So I guess I'm a failure at being submissive with Pete. I have needs and wants that expand beyond the physical that are not being met, but that doesn't seem to matter.

I guess I'm just a failure at everything I try, with everybody I try it with.

Now he's using this new house to play some kind of control game over me. The landlord calls the night before to say we can come pick up the keys yesterday, just call him and plan on a meeting time to do that. Well, I asked when we would be going over there to get the keys and Pete says in a condescending voice, "We'll go when I call him to set up a meeting time." Translation: We'll go when I'm good and ready. Well, I have the guy's phone number, and my car was in the driveway, so technically I could have called him myself, taken the keys, and took off to go get them on my own. I was contemplating this while watching the old movie, and about an hour into it, he comes down with his coat on, telling me we're going to get the keys now. Part me didn't even want to go at all. But I dutifully put on my coat and went along. Then the landlord hands Pete the two keys, and I suggested during lunch that we go get some copies made for me and Nate too, and an extra set or two just in case, at Home Depot. He said "Yeah we can do that," but we never did. The landlord is finishing up some things in the house until mid-week, and said we could start bringing stuff over then. Pete felt that if he gave me the keys now, I'd be over there today instead of waiting until mid-week, again, like I'm some kind of child, so he didn't bother to get copies made.

He knows how much this house means to me, yet I'm not allowed to even have keys? I felt so miserable yesterday, so horribly miserable, I can't even convey the extent of it. And later on he asks me for oral? Are you kidding me?

I don't know if moving to a new house will make things better or not. I'm hoping this is just a temporary blah between us. I'm hoping that once we get into the new house, we'll be happier, we'll be working together, doing things together, enjoying each other again like we seem to most of the time...but I don't know. Maybe he should just go to San Francisco without me, to give us some space and clear the slate so we can start over new when he gets back. I'm thinking that might be the best thing.

Whenever I hint or mention anything about a ring on my finger, he changes the subject or flat out says no, or just avoids answering. It's been almost a whole year since we met, and yet I have nothing on my finger, no wedding plans in the works, nothing in that direction at all. I'm starting to wonder if he's rethinking this whole relationship with me, like he's decided it's not what he wants after all. I'm starting to wonder if he'll decide he's done with me, kick me out, and make me homeless. I'm completely dependent on him financially, so he could totally do that and I'd be screwed. I don't like being in this situation. Once I get a job, though, I think I would feel better, and life would get better between us. But until then, I feel stuck, I feel caged, I feel like I'm invisible until he's horny, I feel like he doesn't listen to me, he doesn't talk to me, and I'm restless and bored most of the time. In fact, I hate to say this, but it's got me wondering if maybe I need to find myself a playmate. I don't have any friends here, so maybe that's what I need to do. I've thought about calling up Aryan again, to ask if he would like to schedule a play date, for some predicament bondage. But, I'd have to drive to Maryland to do it. Doesn't seem very logical.

And of course, Peter is no longer interested in playing with me either, so that option is not even an option anymore, only because HE says it's not. I would be very welcome to that idea, and I'd feel very safe that it wouldn't lead to anything more, and it would be a familiar friendly face to spend time with. But he hasn't left that option open to me, he's closed the door in my face to be more precise, so perhaps finding someone new to keep me occupied is the only other solution to this problem. I don't know. Pete has all of HIS other girlfriends around all the time, he flirts with them all the time, he gives them hugs, calls them on the phone, helps them with household things whenever they call, gives them rides everywhere when they need it....and I've just been sitting here the whole time, letting him have his friends, letting him flirt, letting him do those things without blinking an eye or saying a word, not bothered by it in the least (unless they take advantage of him). So would he do the same thing for ME if I had other guy friends like that too, I wonder? Or would he object? I guess the only way to find out is to find one. I can flirt too, I can go out and laugh and have some fun with other people, male or female, just like he can, right? I see no harm in that. He has also mentioned the idea of having another woman join us sexually or with BDSM, which I must say does not really interest me at all. But again, my opinion doesn't seem to matter.

So then, if he can go ahead with that idea, why can't I just go ahead and find another Dom to play with on occasion too? If that's how he wants our relationship to be, I've got plenty to choose from, especially Dom's that I chatted with in VA, who still send me emails now and then, asking how I'm doing. All I'd have to do is tell them I'm miserable, and I need release, and I need someone to talk to and be there for me, and they'd be at the door in no time flat. So what's stopping me then?

I'll tell you what.......wanting the love and the commitment and the relationship that Pete said he would give me. That's what.

But it's not turning out that way. I don't know why that is. I don't know what I've done wrong. I don't know how to fix it.

So here I sit. Unsure of what to do. Wondering if this is all going to fall apart between him and I, and then what?

I'm feeling sad and lonely today, restless and bored. I feel like my soul is dying slowly and Pete doesn't care. I have nobody else to talk to about this stuff. I have no friends who really give a shit about how I feel from day to day. I feel lost and alone. This is not what I expected my life to be when I moved here. This is not what I wanted. Part of me feels like I should just become numb inside like I used to be, and roll over and open my legs for him anytime he wants it, and just die slowly until it finally ends. Is that what he would want me to do? He's already decided that we're going to camp again, and oh by the way he's going to force me into being a pony girl even though I really don't want to be a pony girl. He wants to share a cabin with other pony girls there, in hopes that they will talk me into it, because of course, my feelings don't matter and he wants me to be something I'm not interested in being....kinda like this housewife thing. I would prefer to have a private cabin, just him and I. But nooo, that's more expensive, and besides he likes the socializing that goes with sharing a larger cabin with others. He likes the flirting and the chasing other women around aspect.

So maybe I should just go there and find a few men to play with in the same way. I can start chatting with them online before camp and set up play dates too. Maybe that's what I should do, to get my needs met. I just wish Pete would be the one to step up and meet my needs instead. I really thought he would. But, I'm really not sure he even wants to anymore.

I'm going to go cry now. Again. Seems that's all I've been doing all week long.

---Sassy Girl