Five more days...

So we have less than one week left to go at this damned ghetto-land house we live in, and I can't WAIT to be outta here. We took off Friday evening for New York, stayed overnight, and then spent all day Saturday running around crazy busy from 6:30 a.m. until after midnight, and I'm exhausted. In fact, so was Pete, so today was a total waste. All we did was eat and sleep, and go grocery shopping. The big plans of packing more stuff and taking more fragile items over to the new house, just didn't happen.

But now we have only five more days left until the move, and the intensity of it is really starting to affect us all. I look around this place, and I feel so overwhelmed, I can't seem to pack anything anymore. I mean, I look at it, I know logically that it won't pack itself, but yet I can't seem to lift the item and put it into a box...

Tonight we got some wallpaper remover stuff from Home Depot. I get to spend my day tomorrow trying to work on the smaller bedroom in the new house, that will eventually become my dressing room/office. I've been bringing items over to the new house all week, stuff I don't want broken in the big moving truck, but I'm now looking around wondering how the hell we're going to get everything done by Friday. It seems rather impossible.

So this last weekend before our move was really a bust, we didn't accomplish much at all.

I don't know if life will be better at the new house or not, but at least the neighborhood is more peaceful and not so noisy. As I started writing this, for example, someone next door decided to lay on their car horn for about 30 seconds straight...this happens on a daily basis, all around us...not to mention sirens, loud buses, kids yelling at each other or swearing at each other on the sidewalks around the place, random people parking in our driveway all the time....yeah, I can't wait to be outta here.

Pete and I discussed all the issues and things that I wrote about last time. He wishes I would just talk to him about this stuff, but I say to him that it takes me time to formulate the things in my head and I do that best by writing, so I come here to vent and sort it all out first and that it bugged me that nothing I do is ever good enough, or done the way HE wants it, so I'm getting to the point of frustration where I don't feel the need to please him if all I'm going to do is do things wrong, or not the way he wants me to. I added that if he can't accept my way of communicating, we're really in trouble because this is me, take it or leave it. I also told him that I was disappointed in the fact that HE was disappointed in ME for cancelling an appointment this week with a temp agency. With this move taking priority, and stressing me out, I felt that I should wait until after the move and everything settles down before I take on another temp agency. When he gave me the riot act about it and accused me of not wanting to work at all, (reiterating a very UNfunny "joke" that he made a month ago about me being a MOOCH off him), I got upset and told him off. I said he should be on my side and more understanding about my limitations and what I feel I am able to do and when I feel I'm incapable of doing something, or overwhelmed, and that instead it made ME feel disappointed in HIM because all he does is accuse me of something his EX WIFE would do, (whom I'm getting tired of being compared to all the time) and then on top of that, he gives me this lecture about being disappointed in me. The one thing I answered that seemed to get through to him about that was, if he's so disappointed in me, then I guess he doesn't need to have sex with me anymore either, because God knows I might just disappoint him in the bedroom too.

We also discussed the whole idea of engagement and marriage, and we have yet to figure out if that's what we both want or not. I told his two female friends this past weekend when we met at Panera for a soda to chit-chat awhile, that I didn't move my ass clear across the east coast just to sit here forever waiting for a ring on my finger. He's known me almost a full year, if he doesn't KNOW by now if that's what he wants, then why should I sit and waste more of my time on a relationship that isn't going to progress or go anywhere? I suggested a year engagement, (which in female terms means, "let's go look at rings soon,") but he isn't quite at that point yet I'm afraid, because he either didn't get the hint, or didn't WANT to get the hint. His kids feel that he should know me at least 2 years before getting married...not because of anything bad targeted at me, but because of his whimsical way of jumping into things too soon and getting burned in the end. I can understand their feelings about that, so I figure if the end of May is our one-year anniversary of knowing each other and being together, then what a perfect time to get that ring on my finger, and be engaged for another year, and then get hitched sometime in the summer of 2010...I mean I'm 40 years old, and will soon be 41. I'm not getting any younger.

But then I get the vibe from him that he's not in the same realm of planning for this idea, so if that's the case, I'm going to continue being single. And, without a ring on my finger, I am still single, as I told him point-blank today. He can't have it both ways. Ohhhh I know he WANTS it both ways, yes he does, he wants me to be committed to him in a monogamous relationship, but WITHOUT the ring...which seems to be what most men want, come to think of it....which is partially why I have REMAINED SINGLE all these years, because I'm not going to be sucked into that trap, no thank you.

So I guess we're at an impasse really, he doesn't know what he wants yet, after knowing me for a year, and I'm at the point where, if things aren't exactly working out the way we had both hoped, perhaps I should bow out gracefully and be gone. So what if we're moving to a new house, he can still live there with his son even if I'm not. I don't even know for sure if I want a ring on my finger from him, either, though. I mean, the public displays of nasty loud flatulence and inappropriate groping in public places such as grocery stores, etc., really gets on my nerves--and even when I tell him that, he still does it.

But the one thing I haven't SAID out loud, but have come very CLOSE to saying out loud, in response to those moments, would---I am convinced--turn him completely cold against me. Those words that dance on the tip of my tongue are very simple words, but would cut him right to the bone, and change our entire relationship...I asked him if he could GUESS what I would like to say, out loud, whenever he does those things to embarrass me like that....but he didn't. I think he knows exactly what I would say, and so it remains unsaid......so far. I could WRITE IT, but at this point, I haven't SAID IT....just five simple words...

Peter would never do that.

Yes, I think if I ever actually SAY those words to him, the whole relationship between us would crash and burn.

There are definitely many things that annoy me about him, in big ways, and some in little ways. He doesn't seem too annoyed by me yet, he's still in gaga-love-land about me, but I'm sure he's got a few things he could mention if asked. I never said I was a picnic. In fact, I distinctly remember telling him at the beginning when we first met that I'm very hard to handle, and I doubted if he ever could because so far, NO MAN has ever been able to fully handle me....the closest person who ever MIGHT be able to, was Peter. But, after 2 years of trying, he just suddenly gave up on me and practically pushed me away into Pete's arms, so apparently he wasn't quite up to the challenge anymore either. I proved to be too much for him, just like I expect to be too much for Pete in the near future. I seem to have that affect on men.

So I don't really know where all this is going, to be honest....a new house will be nice, sure, but will it make things better? It certainly will give me projects to work on, which I will enjoy very much, and will keep me occupied for a long while. So I'm sure Pete is looking forward to that, keeping me busy, keeping my mind off other things for awhile, keeping me occupied. I'm looking forward to the diversion myself.

All I know is, I'll be glad to leave this noisy neighborhood and moldy basement and stench of this nasty old house, and it will prove to be the "make it or break it" decision of our entire relationship I think, which is intriguing and somewhat terrifying.

Bye for now.

Love, Sassy Girl