Peter.

I haven't written on this blog in a long time.

Tonight, my husband Pete told me that he wrote to Peter.  He sent him an email, to tell him that we are both doing well, and that if he would like to open the line of communication with us both, it would be fine with him.  He wanted Peter to know that I still think about him.....(more than Pete knows)....and that I still miss him, and mention him now and then.

I've been crying all night.  I am shocked by this.  I feel horrible that I caused Pete to feel he needed to do such a thing.  I feel sad that it'll never happen.

So Peter, wherever you are, I just wanted you to know that, for what it's worth.

Pete told me the email bounced back, because your email address is no longer valid or working.

I told him that I knew it wasn't.  Then I told him that I knew that when I first moved to Pittsburgh and you dumped me cold, suddenly you just disappeared from email....which is why I felt I needed to contact your son to ask for your new email address.  I had never told Pete that, and he was shocked, but he said NOW he understood better why you felt so upset at me then.  I couldn't bring myself to tell him then, because I felt horrible about it.  I still do.

Like I said, I've been crying all night because of you.

I don't think you realize just how much of a huge feeling of being haunted by you I have felt all these years since you stopped everything with me so abruptly.

I know it probably doesn't matter.  I know you won't ever contact me again.

You have caused me many sleepless nights.  You've invaded my dreams more times than I care to mention.  Pete doesn't know that either.  I don't tell him.  I don't want to hurt him.

But I still hurt because of you, Peter.  That hasn't ever gone away in all these years.  I really wish it would.  You treated me so horribly at the end of our relationship, I just never understood why...I don't know why you lied and said we would continue being friends like you were with your other subs in the past...I had really counted on that when I left DC you know.  You were like a life line, as I swam out further into the ocean, away from the home I left behind.  When you severed that life line, it killed me.

I've been drowning and dying slowly inside ever since.

I know it probably doesn't matter.

I hope you are well.  I hope that life is treating you well.  I hope you are happy too.

Pete asked me last week if I wanted to move back to DC....the two of us....because I have no friends in Pittsburgh at all.  I have been very very lonely since day one, and I just don't have any interest in people here, I have nothing in common with them at all.  I don't work anymore.  I stay home all day while Pete goes to work.  I have become a frumpy housewife, so I have lots of time to think about life, and the mistakes I've made, and the regrets I have.

I told Pete it would be a very difficult thing for me, to live in such close proximity to you again.  I told him the temptation would be too great to try and make amends.   But we do go to DC quite often, actually, for events at the club I attended there.  I am nearer to you more often than you might think.  In fact, we sometimes joke that we will drop by your house and knock on the door, surprising you.

Obviously, we wouldn't REALLY do that.  No matter how much I want to.

If I had wanted to hurt you, I would have long ago when you hurt me.  I was angry.  I was so devastated. You have no clue how horrible it was for Pete to deal with, nor do you probably care.  I was a mess, and for nearly 8 months I would not take off that necklace you gave me.  Pete finally bought me a different one, and asked me to take yours off.  I told him I sold it to one of those "cash for gold" places.  But, I didn't.  It's in my jewelry box.  The chain got all tangled up so I bought a new one before I put it away.

I had no idea how attached to you I really was for so long, and still feel now.  It is like a slow torture, and eventually it will probably lead to my divorce from Pete.  I knew that when I married him.  I think he did too.  I think he's feeling desperate to contact you to try and learn from you how to be more of what I loved in you...which of course, is impossible.

I feel like a horrible person for making him feel that it was necessary to try and contact you....and for offering to move us back to DC.  I am a rotten wife.  I am a failure at domesticity.  I don't belong here.

I'm sorry that I upset you.  I'm sorry that things ended the way they did.  I'm sorry I screwed up so many things, I never meant to.  I really never meant to do any of that.

But it's too late now, and you don't care, and none of this matters.

It's been nearly 5 years since I left DC to come to Pittsburgh.  Every time we go back to DC, I think of you.  I wonder how you're doing.  I know some things about your life since our relationship ended, but I haven't ventured further.  Sometimes I want to pick up the phone and call you.  But I'm sure you've changed your phone number...so I don't.

I'd like to request that you stop invading my dreams.  Stop occupying my thoughts.  Stop violating my relationship with Pete.  Just get out of my head, and my heart, and leave me alone.  You have become my inner demon, and I am too tired of spending so many years of my life trying to fight it.

That's all I wanted to say.  I wish you well.  I will never ever hurt you in any way, ever.  If I had wanted to cause you a huge mess, Peter, I would have long before now.  That should be proof enough that I never would do such a thing.  Somehow I just need to figure out how to let you go.

All I can think of to say at this point is, goodbye.