Surrender.

Ok this man has written me a 9 paged handwritten snail-mail letter. I can't even REMEMBER the last time a guy wrote me a real LETTER like that. NINE PAGES. I keep giving him crap about stuff (because I'm good at it), and he keeps telling me he's not going to take anymore of my crap. Ok, I can dig it. But I might still sling a turd once and awhile. No guarantees. I'm a stinker.

We've been going back and forth, sparring really, and it's draining me emotionally. My response to his 9 paged letter is at the bottom. His response to my email is in the center, and my response to HIS reply is here at the top.......one thing I do want to mention is that we were laughing and joking on the phone last night about how we would shock the hell out of every vanilla guest at our future wedding if we had a pirate theme, and instead of a garter belt, I tossed out a collar...and if the preacher said, "Now get naked and PLAYYYY" like the host of the BDSM camp said at the announcements at each meal in the mess hall...we also joked about how we were both "ruined" for anyone else, and the preacher could welcome guests by saying, "We welcome you all here to witness the RUINATION of these two kinky people, they're so fucked up nobody else could ever want them so let's celebrate the dysfunction..."

It was all a JOKE, it wasn't REALLY any sort of realistic "wedding plan."

I think I'm at the point of just surrendering. I don't know what else to do. But submissive surrender due to emotional overload isn't exactly much of a Dom-victory on his part, is it...the biggest thing I have discovered about Pete is that he's really not a Dom...yet. He is more of a swinger/Top than a Dom. But he is stepping up to become that Dom for me, and that speaks volumes over all the blah-blah-blah we're going through right now. I give the man a lot of credit and applause for stepping up, when NOBODY (well, nobody SINGLE) has ever really done that. That means a lot to me. ---SASSY GIRL
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hi Pete,

You've made some good points. Let me clarify some things so we're on the same page:

In BDSM, the most important aspect of a Dom/sub relationship is the mental connection. Sex is just the icing on the cake. The power exchange is extremely important also and it's a give and take, not just a one-sided thing where the Dom is ALWAYS the ONLY one making decisions.

In the vanilla world, SEX is one of the most important aspects of a relationship. There is no real mental connection, no real power exchange other than who's taking out the garbage and who's paying the bills, and who left the toilet seat up again? It is mundane and boring.

Another thing that is very important about BDSM....there is a very fine line between being a Dom, and just being a vanilla control freak. There are also many levels of BDSM, whereas there is only a one-dimensional Vanilla experience. (Missionary style sex, for instance). In BDSM there are Swingers, Tops, Doms, and Masters. There is polyamory, there are "littles," there are pain sluts, cum sluts, sadists, masochists, and everything in between. Everybody starts OUT the same, as vanilla. But if BDSM is in your blood, you're either born with it or you're not, and if that is brought out somehow, you honestly cannot live without it.

I already see in you that you have Dom-qualities and potential. I see in you that you could someday become my Master; and that intrigues me. Scares me. Blows my mind.

Any vanilla IDIOT can fuck. Any vanilla IDIOT can pick up a flogger and pretend to know what it's all about. A real Dom and/or Master knows every nuance about every implement he uses on his sub, but most importantly, he actually knows how to control the sub's MIND...and that is the most important sex organ of them all. THAT is the main difference between the two things. Once you gain control of the mind, the body will follow.

In our case, the bodies have melded and we've got THAT part pretty well covered. It's the MIND that has yet to be captured and controlled, and that's the connection we will need to make the Dom/sub relationship work. It takes effort from BOTH people though, not just you.

In BDSM, it's way different from a typical vanilla relationship....yesterday, for example, Peter came over, we got naked, laid down on my bed, and snuggled together talking. That's it. Then I decided to give him a bj, and swallowed for him. But because I am having my period, he was sensitive to that, and so he gave me a nipplegasm instead. Two actually. So there was NO intercourse, at all, but we still have the connection that a Dom/sub has all the time, not just once in awhile, it's a constant thing even when he's not able to be there in person. As we lay there, he gripped my hair, and asked me questions about my bills and budget, he asked me about my job and gave me advice about it...he also told me he knew I needed a spanking but would wait until next time. It's THAT kind of thing that means MUCH more than sex. He's gotten into my HEAD, and is always THERE with me, even when he can't BE there with me. Does that make sense?

When he said your name after we had our sexual session, you were suddenly standing there in my bedroom, smiling at me. You were already in my head, to some extent. And that is why he tested me out by saying your name, to find out if that was the case or not. That is why he understands that something is happening between you and me, and he'll help and encourage and support the relationship as best as he can. Talk to him about this Dom stuff, and how to get into a sub's head. He can help you figure that out. He always told me he would be more than willing to assist another Dom to learn anything. Just ask.

Ok, so you feel that you're in control of your willy. You've made that point clear. I guess only time will tell how accurate that really is. There's no point in arguing about it any further. Like you said, what's in the past is the past, and there's no point dredging it up over and over again. (But I do have that habit sometimes, so just correct me like you did and I'll know when I am doing it).

I don't know if I will ever be able to "teach you" how to be a Dom. In fact, I am very skeptical about that. It actually makes me cringe to think that I am needed to do that....I have never had to be in that role before and it's uncomfortable to me....it makes me feel like I'm the one in control and I don't like it. At this point I can only assist in telling what I need and want and expect from a Dom. Whether you can do those things, or not, is up to you. I love how you take control when I come visit, and you decide where we go, and what time, and what I should wear...I love that because I am very indecisive about everything. If you ask me where I want to eat, I will most likely say, "Wherever you take me." (Though sometimes I might be in the mood for pizza or something and mention that). I love that you are the one who takes charge of me when I am there.

You have to dig deep into who I am, not just skim along on the surface with chit-chat and empty dialogue that means nothing at the end of the day. It takes patience, effort, persistence, consistency, and lots of communication. In return, I dig deep into you too, and learn what it is that pleases and displeases you. Telling ME what you expect from your sub is also very helpful. Meeting somewhere in the middle of what we both want and need is something we both have to work at. It's not just going to magically happen by doing nothing.

All of this will take TIME and there's no way really to rush it. Talking about spending 40 years together and joking about wedding stuff and planning a calendar a year in advance is all nice, but at this point we both know it's a bit unrealistic. You say you love me, and I care about you a lot too. I don't know if that is the same thing as love or not, because I've never been in love before. I don't want to say it if it's the wrong thing. I just know that whatever it is, I don't want to mess it up, I don't want to jeopardize it, I don't want to blow it.

If nothing else, you'll learn that I'm a challenge. I'm a pain in the ass. I don't always communicate well, and I sometimes misunderstand things. I'm naiive, gullible, and silly. I am a grown woman with maturity and I describe myself as saying "my heart is young but my soul is old." But at the same time, I am a scared little girl who doesn't know how to live very well, or how to do things, or what to do or where to go. I'm kinda lost when it comes to going out into the world by myself. I have never had a love relationship before, I have never been married before, I've never had kids. I don't know the first thing about how to do those things. I feel overwhelmed by just the IDEA of those things.

And so when I am overwhelmed---and these 3 weeks with you have been a roller coaster----then I will push at you, I will try to push you away, I will get upset and tell you to go away or I will threaten to walk away myself. If I can't do something, if I feel like I will fail before I even try, if I feel like I'm not making you happy, I push and/or walk away to hide. I am skittish. I am unsure of myself sometimes, in this situation especially. In other things, I am confident. I can decide things. In other things, I can function just fine without a man, without a Dom....but in MOST things, I honestly cannot. I know my own limits. I know what I'm able to do and what I have no clue about. I am very self-actualized in that way.

Dom's KNOW these things about their subs. It's a huge responsibility to be a Dom to someone. It's not something to enter into lightly. It's a massive huge connection that will last for YEARS if it's handled right. It can crush a sub's soul if she's hurt by a Dom. THAT is why L--- said what she did, that she'll kill you if you hurt me. She knows. It takes a tremendous amount of trust for a sub to fully submit to her Dom.

I trusted you on the massage table at camp. I trusted you in the class we attended. I trust you enough to visit you sight-unseen the weekend after camp ended. I trust you enough to come visit you many times, sleeping in your bed, despite the others that have been there before me. I don't trust THEM. I don't trust the STD potential. I don't trust that they won't come back, and I know they will. But I cannot fully trust you yet, it will just take time. I willl remain skeptical, I will question you on many things, I will challenge you, push you and bug the hell out of you.....until I fully trust you.

I don't bug Peter so much anymore, or demand things from him and challenge him as much as I did at first....because now I fully trust him. That took 2 long years to get here. I still remain skeptical, and question him on many things, because I have a brain and I will use it. I'm not a doormat. Sometimes I even challenge him on some things, still. But overall, it has reached a point where I just trust him and don't need to push anymore.

I hope I've helped clarify some things and helped you to understand me better. Have a good day at work and I'll chat with you soon.

Love, [SASSY GIRL]


--- On Wed, 6/18/08, Pete wrote:


From: Pete
Subject: Re: my thoughts....
To: "SASSY GIRL"
Date: Wednesday, June 18, 2008, 2:06 AM


[SASSY GIRL],

Why do you keep harping on sex? You say that it is not as important
as a mental connection and yet sex seems to be the most important
thing to you. You question my control because I had sex with A----
after I said that I would not. I have admitted that that was a
mistake. I never said that I would not have sex with J----. In fact I
said I probably would once, maybe twice. So after performing oral on
her, you withdrew again. So now it wasn't just that I said I wouldn't
and did, but it was that I said I probably would and did. You keep
changing the bar for me, and I adjust.

I told you that I would not have sex with J---- again, and I did not.

So how am I not controlling my willy?

Everything else has been a discussion on thoughts, desires, an
exploration for boundaries. It is all talk until it happens, and
nothing else has happened!

I wrote you the letter to try and show you more of my life and how I
have been developing and growing and changing and all you have
focused on is the women I used to have sex with and how you will not
give up Peter.

So let me be clear; I am not asking you to give up Peter. I will
never ask you to give up Peter.

Some day I will ask you to give up having sex with him and this is
the part that I was talking about as fair. However, I had the order
of events wrong. It is not you first. It is me first, because I have
to show you that I can be in control. You need to trust me, and I
know that will take time. So, it will take time. You say that you are
not asking me to do any of this and you are right. You are not
asking. It is something I must do. I must show you that I am here for
you, anytime. You can call me any hour of the day or night and I will
answer. We can talk as long as you need to, because I am here for
you, and no one else.

To move with me you need to be able to forget the past and reach for
the future, because the past is dead and the future has not happened.
I do not live in either place, I live in the now. "But you have all
these plans.", I hear you say. Yes I do, but I do not live for them,
I live now. Living for the future is to ignore (or even hate) what is
happening right now and instead telling yourself that life will be
better some day. Living in the past is self explanatory I think.
Living now is to enjoy fully what you are doing right now. Right now
I am picturing you sitting next to me as I hold your hand and talk
with you, I am opening up my heart as best I can. I do not do this
because I expect something in return at some future date. I do it
because it is what I want to do right now and so I enjoy this no
matter what happens.

So no regrets? Well, no. Not everything goes the way I plan or want,
not everything works out, but If I can say I tried, I am happy.

Do we have a mental connection? Were we planning our wedding last
night? Have I helped you to understand things about yourself? have
you helped me do the same?

Don't underestimate me or before you know it you will be living in
Pittsburgh and asking yourself; "When did I decide to move to
Pittsburgh?"

I am strong enough to hold you and brave enough to want to. Life
would be scarier without you for me than it will be with you. How do
I know this? I trust myself again. I had lost that and you helped me
to find it again. You are my helpmate right now. You make me laugh,
you keep me centered, you give me focus and a clarity of vision.
There have been others that I have wondered; "Would my life be better
with them?". I do not ask myself that with you because in your case
it is a rhetorical question. And since I have a habit of answering
rhetorical questions, I'll let you know, that the answer is,
"Yes!".

Thank you for being in my life. I hope you can come early on Friday
and stay late on Sunday because I want as much time with you as I can
get. (And I need it too.)

Your good friend,
Pete
---------------------------------------------------------

On Jun 17, 2008, at 8:47 PM, [SASSY GIRL] wrote:

> Hi Pete,
>
> I received your handwritten letter. I have to say, it has been many
> years since I have received a handwritten snail-mail letter----on
> Betty Boop stationery even! Thank you for writing all that, and
> for the money order too. I'm sorry [your son's] car cost so much, I know
you're on a budget like I am, so it's a big chunk of change. I can
give the $200 back though, when you need it. I do appreciate the
> gesture, I just wish you had asked me about it first, because I
> would have just declined the offer. I don't like feeling like a
> charity case.
>>
> Here's what I think overall about this entire situation between you
> and me:
>>
> 1. I think the disconnect and/or miscommunication with you is that
> I am a true submissive but you're not really a Dom. I do not mean
> that as an insult. You might have it in you, sure, but it's not
> quite ALL of who you are. You're kind of more in the beginning
> stages of it. You're really more of a kinky vanilla guy, or perhaps
> a "swinger." So I don't think you understand fully the powerful
> mental connection that is vital to any D/s relationship. Sure, you
> might get the physical stuff, but that's not what it's all about.

> Not even close. I mean I don't even think you understand the
> difference between a vanilla chick and a submissive chick. THAT is
> the disconnect we've been having. We have different definitions of
> these things, and they aren't matching up.
>
> 2. You claim that A----- and J----- and even T----- aren't really
> vanilla, because they've let you tie them up. Well, I'm sorry but
> in my definition, that's just a slightly kinky vanilla chick.
> There's nothing submissive about any of them. NONE of them, not
> ONE of them, has ever done your dishes, washed your laundry or sat
> with you in a hospital room all day long trying to make you
> comfortable, feeding you and taking care of you. NOT ONE. I think
> the problem is, you and I have different definitions of words, and
> different understanding of what BDSM is all about. I am a true
> submissive, Pete. I need to be needed. And when other women are
> around in your bed, I don't feel needed enough. And so I have no
> feeling of need to serve YOU either, because I am not feeling
> needed BY you first and foremost.
>
> So whether or not we can bridge that gap of miscommunication,
> remains to be seen.
>
> 3. But then today you spring on me that you'd like me to meet S----
> on Sunday. It seems like every time I have come to visit you,
> you've got some other chick that you want me to meet. I'm kinda put off by that. I mean, if it had just stayed on a friendship basis with you like I had thought of you in the first place, I would have no problem at all meeting these other women friends of yours. I figured you were just a kinky masseuse at camp, nothing more than that. An occasional play partner, maybe so, but nothing more.
> Keeping it at a healthy friendship basis, would have made this
> whole thing much easier to figure out.
>
>> 4. But then you start talking about love and spending 40 years with
> me, etc., telling me I'm the one, etc....and frankly THAT has
> complicated things a bit, because #1, I already have a Dom I've
> been with for two years, and #2, I wasn't looking for anything more
> than just another occasional play partner. So when you toss out
> words like love---again--our definitions do not seem to match up,
> because MY definition of love does not include fucking other women
> at the same time as telling me how much you love ME.
>
>> 5. This "love" thing is a mixed signal, it's a contradiction, and
> it's confusing as hell. You claims that you want ME, full time,
> permanently, and you says you've already asked L--- to be your
> "best man" at the wedding....which is like, stupidly insane of
> course, we just MET a month ago. But then, in the same breath, you
> tell me you want to continue playing with these other women who you
> consider to be submissive, but who really are NOT anything even
> CLOSE to submissive at all. Tying them up and spanking them does
> NOT make them submissive.
>>
> MY DEFINITION OF SUBMISSIVE: Needing and wanting to SERVE the Dom.
> To take care of him, to do things for him, to provide him with
> whatever he needs and to be whatever he needs me to be, in return
> for the sense of security, consistency, and stoicism, firmness and
> mentorship/guidance that he provides to take care of ME right back.
> There has GOT to be a mental connection there, a power exchange,
> ALL THE TIME, not just in the bedroom for a few hours. THAT TAKES
> TIME TO ACHIEVE. It takes TRUST as the #1 ingredient and trust also
> takes time to build. It doesn't just happen in three weeks.
>
>> What you do not understand, I think, is that I am a true
> submissive. I'm not just a once-in-awhile kinky-in-the-bedroom-only
> type of chick. I don't think you quite grasp this concept. I think
> you mean well and I think you really are trying to change your
> gigolo lifestyle, which is great and admirable, I applaud your
> efforts.....but at the same time, I never asked any of this of
> you---and when you try to make me feel obligated to give up MY only
> sex partner, Peter, "in return"----that's when I feel like you are
> comparing, "apples vs. oranges." I have no intention of giving up
> Peter ever, and I've told you this from day one. So I don't really
> quite get why you keep harping on that. You gave me an ultimatum,
> "As soon as you no longer have Peter in your bed, I will then no
> longer have anyone else in mine." So I guess we've hit an impasse.
>>
> Regardless, I will come visit this weekend, and I do want to keep
> you as a good friend if nothing else, and I do want you and L-----
> both to come visit at the end of July, and I also want you to meet
> Peter too.
>>
> I think it might be helpful if you and I start comparing
> definitions of certain things this weekend. And I really don't feel
> like meeting S---- on Sunday but okay fine, I will do that too. If
> she reacts like A---- and calls me the "Betty Boop type,"
(aka: slut), however, I will not be happy.
>
> You send me a letter claiming to love me, but it also says you
> intend to continue playing with some of them too. Telling me that
> you still want to play with these other vanilla broads doesn't
> quite help your cause much really, but okay whatever.
>
>> So when you tell me you want to continue having sex with these
> other women, I should also be able to tell you that I will be
> delayed in coming to visit this Friday because I'm going to have my
> usual time with Peter first, but then you balked and said you had
> planned to kidnap me when I arrive and take me to the dungeon and,
> gee, couldn't I just skip my time with Peter this once? (It has
> been skipped each time I've come to visit, more than once). So no,
> I'm not skipping it. Just like you are not skipping your pops
> concert with S---- on Sunday.
>
> So right now, I am feeling rather bummed about this whole thing. It
> doesn't help that I'm having my period and I'm overly emotional
> anyway. So I'm going to bed.
>
>> No Pete, I just don't quite think you understand what D/s is all
> about and you definitely don't understand what a sub like me needs.
> The #1 thing I need is a sense of security, but with all these
> other women buzzing around, I really don't think you can provide
> that. Sure Pete, you have great intentions, but come on...if you
> talk the talk, then you'd better be able to walk the walk too.
> Otherwise, you're just role playing. Unfortunately, I have moved
> way beyond role playing in the decade I've been in the lifestyle.
>
> I am sure you have made lots of changes in your life since knowing
> me, but to me, knowing you only one month, all I see is that you
> keep sleeping with these other chicks and telling me you expect to
> keep doing that, at the same time as you're professing your undying
> love and devotion to me, and that's just a royal crock of crap any
> way you look at it. I don't really know how else to get through to
> you that it's gotta be either/or, one or the other, and if you
> can't or won't be stoic, consistent, and in self-control of your
> own willy, then there's no way you'll ever be able to fully take
> the level of control over ME that I need from a Dom.
>
>----[SASSY GIRL]