Phenomenon

I have been contemplating a phenomenon lately.

Everybody knows the old saying, "You don't know what you've got until it's gone," and sure, that makes sense, so don't take shit for granted. But what about the flipside of that coin, "You don't know what you're missing until you suddenly get it?"

THAT is the thing that intrigues me right now.

Until Pete came along, I figured my life was going along okay, sure it wasn't GREAT, and ok I had some pretty miserable days sometimes, I'll admit that too...but I just figured it COULD be much much worse than it was, ya know? I have a roof over my head, clothes, food in the fridge...a job...most of the time at least...but hanging out with Holocaust Survivors all those years taught me that no matter how bad you THINK your life is, it can ALWAYS be much worse. So I figured I had it pretty good.

So I tried to just tell myself I was doing fine, ya know? I was perfectly fine being alone, in my own skin, I don't need anybody there to entertain me, I'm happy with my dog, and my old movies on TCM, I can find things to do, sure, I'm pretty resourceful and I can stand on my own two feet, I don't need people to be in my face all the time...I got plenty of THAT while working at the Museum with 2.5 million visitors per year breathing their nasty vanilla germs in my face all day, every day.

But now, I am noticing after Pete leaves, I feel restless and lonely and bored, agitated, even irritable and annoyed. I didn't feel all those things like that before. Sure, I often felt annoyed and irritable about life in general, hence my spewage on this blog from time to time...(ok spewage every day...ahem)....but still, I don't really LIKE feeling those things now, to be honest, who does? Who the hell LIKES being restless and lonely and bored? My guess is, nobody.

When Pete first burst into my life, I felt like, "Hey who do you think you are, showing up like this out of the blue, trying to tear me away from my Dom like that? What right have YOU got, thinking you're going to steal me from Peter, and move me to Pittsburgh, what the hell are you thinking? I'm not going anywhere with you, I've GOT my Dom of 2.5 years, thankyouverymuch, I don't need you, you were just supposed to be a fling at camp, that's it...now suddenly you want to snag me out of my life, my job, my world...that's just plain crazy...leave me alone."

Sometimes, I still feel that way.

I told Peter before going to camp, "Be careful what you wish for, you could lose me by sending me there you know." And he said, "I know." So he crushed me a little bit with that, I was expendable apparently, and okay if I hook up with someone, there's nothing he can do about it anyway, so I'll just make some BJ coupons to hand out then, to hell with him. If he wants me to go and find someone else, then I will go and at least BLOW someone else, because I really didn't WANT to go find anybody else to be my boyfriend and he knew that.

Then Pete came along, and suddenly my world turned upside down. It has been ever since, and I've been trying to figure it out, make sense of it, learn to adjust and go with it...telling Peter "I told ya so, you boneheaded jerk, see what happened? Now what are you going to do about it..." and the answer they both came up with is, "Share you." And so, I figure, okay, I will be shared.

But then yesterday I felt rather upset not only because I was bummed that Pete was gone back to Pittsburgh and it's Monday and I have to go to work and be alone all week...but also because the opportunity arose that I might be able to see Peter in the afternoon, unexpectedly. Now, before Pete came along, I would have JUMPED at this opportunity, and been super excited and happy. I get to see Peter TWICE this week! That is so RARE, I'm gonna love it! YAYYY!!

But, of course, with the whole mess that occurred last week because of it, Pete asked me NOT to see Peter yesterday, and that made me feel like, "wait a minute, you guys both SAID you were going to SHARE ME, you PROMISED, so now I can have both of you, and I WANT both of you dammit, so let me be SHARED!!" I was in a very rebellious and annoyed mood because my inner-child-little-girl was told, "no, you can NOT have that piece of candy." And goddammit, I WANTED that piece of candy. So I stomped my foot and pouted awhile.

But, even despite my rebellious feeling and my pouting, I told Peter NO. I have never told Peter NO in the 2.5 years I've been with him. And in all honesty, I didn't WANT to tell Peter no, either.

However, I am perplexed that I agreed with Pete---I agreed that it would be too confusing and difficult for me to work out in my head, having them both on the same day, like it was last week when it happened.

So the tug of war continues.

But overall, I've been told that I am "making good progress," and even though I am perplexed at being a grown adult 40 year old woman, who once BELIEVED I knew what was good for me, but now I see that I apparently do NOT have a CLUE about what the hell is "good for me" at all......and this has led me to be uncomfortably and even morbidly fascinated by the whole thing.

The weird thing is, I didn't know what Pete meant by saying he wanted to take care of me...I mean I'm not SICK or anything, unless you consider kinky thoughts and deeds that I do, to be "sick" in a sexual way, which I would vehemently disagree with...so what does he MEAN by 'taking care of me,' exactly? I have no idea. Put a bandaid on my scrape like a little kid who fell on a playground? Hug me when I need one? Cook for me? Do my laundry? What?

Yesterday I felt suddenly like I was a little girl again, being told by my new "daddy" that I can't play with my friend Peter anymore, and both Peter AND Pete claim they know what's best for me---so imagine my confusion----Pete's 'taking care' of me by asking me NOT to play with Peter on the same day he's been with me, and okay that makes sense, sure, I can dig it......but then, at the same time, that puts me right into rebellious mode.

I'm a grown woman after all, I am 40 years old, and I happen to be at my sexual PEAK ya know, so give me a break, I can make my own sexual decisions, I don't need or want to be TOLD when I can act on them, I am single, there's no ring on my finger, so I'll do what I WANT. I mean hey, until that ring appears, I'm as free as I was before Pete came along. Right? RIGHT??

Wrong. I am now, somehow in a chaotic whirlwind, a part of a "couple," who has a brand new responsibility to fulfill those "couple" kinds of things that I have no clue about how to fulfill. It's the weirdest feeling I've ever felt before. I have someone pushing me to break out of my shell, to crack open the protective layer of hard wall I built around my heart, and who is muscling his way and wiggling into those cracks in my wall, to get a piece of my soul. Nobody's ever pushed or wiggled or muscled this far into me before. It feels scarey as hell.

Peter scared me by doing this too, but not so much all at once, like Pete. I fought Peter so hard, I really thought I would succeed in pushing him away from me and out of my life, but the Domliness in HIM would not allow that. And now, he's got a part of my heart and always will. I cannot ignore that. I cannot just sever that tie to him overnight either. I love Peter. Part of me always will love Peter. But, I am realizing now that Peter is like "cocaine," and I'm the ADDICT, (according to Terry who told me this yesterday). I've been an addict, looking for a proxy-Dom for YEARS before Peter came along, and sure enough, when he ventured forth, it was like a huge epiphany for me. And so I have luxuriated in the newness of having that need MET for the first time in my life. Peter has become my addictive habit, and I'm seeing that now for the very first time.

Pete is now here to create an "intervention."

Yes, that rebelliousness is how I felt yesterday after being told I can't see Peter on the same day as Pete. Even though I AGREED with that rule, last week. Logically, I definitely agree with the decision. But explain logic to my heart, and my inner child, will you please? Because it does not seem to communicate very well for some reason. The idea of being SHARED is a massive huge boner for me. I LIKE that thought. I like it A LOT as a matter of fact. I'm still an addict. I still want BOTH.

I mean, for years and years I have had sexy fantasies of dropping to my knees, unzipping a random guy nearby, and just sucking him off...even now, I still have these fantasies...as a matter of fact, I had that very same fantasy when I met Steve Perry---I mean, God, I stood there watching all those other women mauling him with hugs and squealing like idiot pigs, and I thought, "watch me blow these bimbo's right outta the water, I'll just drop to my knees, put my head in his lap and ask him if I might have permission to wrap my mouth around his cock..." but of course, I didn't have the courage to actually DO THAT...but God bless America, I most certainly thought it. Unfortunately I hadn't yet taken the leap of faith into BDSM at that point, so I didn't think those thoughts were "normal." I know better now and if I could just rewind to that moment, knowing what I know NOW, I most certainly would have done just that. Because at the time, I felt like that's what he needed.

So I guess I am still in an adjusting period of transitional stress, that sometimes takes over my rational and logical thoughts. I'm being put through an addict's "intervention" to break free of the drug of Peter. All I can do is just take things day by day, it's always changing, the fears I have sometimes take over, but sometimes they leave me be...it just depends on the day I guess. It is difficult for me to control those fears, though, because I have had them for so long.

Bottom line: I did not realize what I was missing, until it was given to me.

I never thought love would find me, not in a million years, I just figured I would shrivel up and die as a single old lady with no teeth, living alone with lots of cats...in my 2 bedroom refrigerator cardboard box somewhere on the street, talking to myself and waving my arms around to scare people. The future looked so 'bright,' ya know. I figured I would just live in DC forever, since I had nowhere else to go really, and buy myself a condo at some point, and just work at a job I don't like forever, like everybody else on the planet. I really did not have a "plan."

Now, I see how the other half lives. I had always been an outsider looking in, really, so I did not even dare to imagine what a life like that would BE like, to have someone there all the time, to talk to about anything and everything, to laugh with and go fun places with...I haven't dated in almost 10 years you know...so all of these dating/love/relationship things that I had put away on a shelf and had once experienced in my vanilla days now have to be dusted off, and repackaged a bit, reconsidered, re-thunk...and applied to my life as it is NOW.

Pete once told me that when he met me, I somehow "awakened" something inside him. I told him I am a catalyst for his Domly needs, he's never encountered a submissive chick like me before, he's played with them before knowing me, sure, but he's not really ever experienced it to this level with someone. I honestly believe, if he were to play with SEVERAL submissive chicks, he might just ditch me, kick me to the curb, because there might even be someone BETTER than me out there, that he doesn't even know yet...and who might make him much happier than me. Who knows. He won't even entertain that idea by looking for another sub though; so perhaps he is short-changing himself, voluntarily sure, but still it makes me wonder if he is also falling victim to the same "don't know what you're missing" situation than I have.

Well, apparently Pete has also "awakened" me, but the thing that is most perplexing to me is that I didn't even know I was asleep.

Love, Sassy Girl