WTF......jeezus.

Ok....so Pete and I are chatting a bit about our issues-goin'-on here, and like a Mack truck, right out of the fuggin' BLUE, he blindsides me with this:

"What would you say if I decided to get a reverse vasectomy?"

After my brain crashed again, and after pissing my pants, I said, "Hold on a minute, I have to pick my jaw up off the floor."

JEEZUS FUGGIN' CRIPES what the HELL is wrong with this man?! I mean WTF?! Is he on some kind of psycho-freak medication that I don't know about? Is he INSANE? We're having issues about being new in a relationship, with other women coming around, trying to figure out how the hell this long-distance shit is going to work, whether or not he understands the BDSM lifestyle or if he's just a wannabe poser bonehead with no clue...we've got a FEW OTHER THINGS happening here, that need resolution before even getting CLOSE to that issue of having BABIES for cripe's sake.

So in that one damned sentence, he threw me right back into chaos again, and I was just starting to calm down about this other crap. Suddenly I was in my early 30's with hope of finding a decent guy, and having a kid. I remembered the dusty old plans in my head that I never told anybody about before, of decorating the nursery in artwork by John Lennon...of having a piano so the kid could learn to play it... of teaching the kid about credit cards like my parents never did...so many thoughts came flooding back into my head, I very nearly started to cry. Those days are long gone now, I will never feel a child in my belly kicking me. I will never be a mom.

And so my 40 year old self suddenly gets tossed over the edge into that abyss again, the one I just tried to crawl out of again that I've been stuck in since yesterday at lunchtime. If he keeps this shit up, he can sleep alone from now on without me.

I told myself I didn't WANT kids. But now he's like, being a carrot dangling in front of this starving rabbit. Ya know? Why the hell did he SAY such a thing to me?

Then he says, "I'm too old anyway, and it was done 21 years ago so it's probably too late to reverse it."

That;'s when I called him a sonofabitch. What the hell kind of mind fuck IS this? And WHY??? Why the hell would he GO THERE, and cause me all this grief??

This might just be the last weekend I ever see Pete again. I just cannot deal with this transitional stress and all the mixed signals and roller coaster ride stuff. I had a peaceful life, albeit boring sure but peaceful just the same BEFORE camp. Now suddenly he's complicated my life to the point where I'm hating the fact that I'll never have a goddamned baby of my own. That's one thing I don't like to think about, I don't like to dwell on it, it's one of those huge things that upsets a chick like me who can never have one...

What's next? Is he gonna tell me my ASS LOOKS FAT IN THE DRESS I AM WEARING? Cuz he's basically said every OTHER thing that pisses off every woman in the universe, all in one day---he's apparently either got some kind of sick and twisted death wish, or he's just trying to get all of that stupid relationship faux pas bullshit out of the way all at once...whatever the reason, I am NOT happy.

Thanks, Pete, thanks so much for the reminder that I am barren, half a woman, and incapable of reproducing.

Remind ME to kick your stupid ass this coming weekend, and be sure to get lots of bandaids when you go to Costco you stupid goddamned schmuck.

---Sassy Girl