Another meltdown...

Though they are becoming fewer in number, I still have occasional meltdowns with Peter. Last evening I made it almost completely through our whole time together without having one, but before he showered, there it was again. Cried like a baby. I honestly do not know how the hell I'm ever going to live without being sexual with him when I move to Pittsburgh. I know that's probably a horrible thing to say, but GOD if you only KNEW what he's brought to my life that way, and how much I crave it, and die for it, and want it all the time...it's hell being at your sexual peak like I am. I mean seriously, I want to have Peter remain in my life AND I want him sexually too, even after I move to Pittsburgh. I don't think Pete will go for that idea though, and so I am sad.

I just don't WANT to give up Peter and all he does for me. This is a terrible thing for me to admit, I know, and it's hurtful to Pete too probably, but I cannot help how I feel. I truly expect, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that I will feel like I'm going to shrivel up and die inside without Peter there to keep me going with all the intense and brutal rope work and predicaments and major slam-fucking that he does with me...I'm just going to slowly shrivel up and die inside without that...I know it already and I'm mourning it very much, all the time. All the time. I'm not only going to be "homesick," when I move to Pittsburgh, but also DOM-sick, missing Peter more than I can even convey.

Part of the issue is the Domly "Peter is in my head" thing. A good Dom knows how to get inside a submissive girl's head...not just remaining on the surface of the physical stuff. Peter's taken the time and energy necessary to achieve that with me over the 2.5 years we've been together. I have not yet established this same intensity of connection with Pete in that way. This is why I feel such a horrible tug of war between the two. I want them BOTH.

I'm a greedy whore, I know, but dammit I want them BOTH. *Stomping my foot*

So Monday the two of them are going to meet in person for the first time. I hope it won't be the last time. I hope the 3 of us can share me equally, even after I am living in Pittsburgh. Sure, it may not happen as regularly as it does right now, but I do hope we can work that out and make it happen. Peter's all for it, but Pete has mixed feeling about this, and we will need to do some major communicating to approach this subject as delicately as possible and with the utmost respect for all involved. It won't be easy.

Pete's coming here to help me start packing this weekend. My friend Barbara is coming over from Baltimore on Sunday to meet him and help us pack too. Whether I'm ready or not, doesn't seem to matter anymore. I have no choice, the ball is rolling, everything is in motion and I am moving there by the end of September. I may just have to suck it up and live without Peter, but that leaves the urges to gnaw at me, and the craving, and the climbing of the walls...all of which will probably drive me crazy at some point...

I am afraid of myself...because what if I get so driven crazy by the cravings that I start doing bj's in parking lots again? Because that is what happened before I met Peter, the needs and the cravings took over, I felt reckless and out of control and needed it...God I needed it...I'm not proud of that, meeting strangers from the internet and giving them bj's in parking lots, never to talk to them again afterwards...but I did it, 4 or 5 times...and I swear on a stack of Bibles to the Lord above, I desperately needed it, and it helped me get through a very difficult time. I hope that won't prevent me from going to heaven someday, but dammit, what else could I do? I can't live without this stuff. I've tried to before, but nearly went over the edge into insanity because of it. I can't go there again. I don't WANT to go through that again. I honestly don't know if I would ever make it out this time, if I did have to go there again.

I find myself counting down from 5 in my head when I get ready to have an orgasm, because that is what Peter does for me, and I have a hard time even HAVING an orgasm now, without that countdown. I feel like I have to force it if I don't have the countdown. And then it's not as intense. There are things that I need, deep inside me, to reach both of my G-spot areas, which unfortunately happen to be located inside a tipped uterus, way up high...I lived without those G-spots most of my life, they were a mystery, untouched and elusive, until Peter discovered them quite by accident...now he is able to stimulate them all the time, and I flow like a fountain non-stop for 30-45 minutes if he keeps it going that long...leaving me limp like a ragdoll, exhausted and flying high into subspace for hours afterwards.

These are things I hope will come with Pete, over time. But until that happens, I fear the shriveling up, the depression, the cravings...I don't want to go through that...I will need my "cocaine habit" of Peter, I can't live without it and for Pete to ask me to do so is like cutting off my own appendage. I'm too weak to do this. I'm not strong enough to get through this. I know myself very well and I know my limitations. Sexual BDSM stuff is something I need, it's not just a 'want' anymore, it's a need, and I cannot ignore it, and I have to HAVE spankings every few days, I have to HAVE some intensity and bondage, I have to HAVE it, like medicine, to survive.

Steve Perry knows about this. His solo CD "For the love of strange medicine" sums it up perfectly. I know what he means. I completely understand where those words come from. We are kindred spirits, SP and I. Stupid as it sounds, I can relate to every word he writes, every song he sings, because I've also lived it in some similar way.

So it's only natural for me to feel like this. I want Pete and Peter to sing and share me together, harmoniously...I want to be surrounded by them both, to have them in STEREO, to melt and float away with them both around me, enveloping me and caressing me with their words and their Domliness, keeping me safe and secure, letting me float away into subspace because they both love me.

That's really what I wish to happen. In my fantasy world, that is what WOULD happen.

But I know already, the reality of this probably won't happen at all. And so for this I mourn. I have to get on with life, I know, I have to move on and be happy in other ways, I know this too. I make no promises, but I can say I will try. Just don't expect me to be thrilled and happy about giving up something so intense and so much a part of who I am, because that part is going to crush me inside for a long time.

Peter says, "the closer you get to the actual move and the reality of it, the more your mind is rebelling. Your fear and your hesitation to this HUGE change is growing, perhaps exponentially, the closer the date gets. You realize everything you're giving up and everything that is changing, and when you balance it with the things you're getting, those new things seem paltry and not enough, which is when I step in and can give you the perspective that you need to hear, and the perspective that *comes from you* when the fear doesn't have as deep a hold on you."

I asked Peter point blank if he is going to release me. He said, "Yes I am, as I have told you."

But he also says he wants to continue our relationship after I move.

Pete wants him to release me. I don't want Peter to release me. I want them both to share me until I am able to break free on my own. Right now, I don't feel that I am able to do that. I don't know if I will ever be able to fully break free of Peter. I make no promises. I am weak. I never had anyone like Peter in my life before. I'm lost right now. I'm just so lost. So totally lost.

All I want is for everyone to be happy, and to be one of the sources of happiness for both of these men who love me. I want to please them both, and I also want to be shared by both, but this seems to be too much to ask, and upsetting to all involved, and I know it's not fair of me, I know it's horrible and rotten of me to feel this way and risk losing everything good that Pete brings to my world by wanting these things...I know it's hard for him to share me...

Peter said, when I told him, "i'm lost,"

*hugs you tightly* it will be okay... there are so many people looking out for you exactly because you are feeling lost right now. and the two most important people in that (me and pete) are keeping your own best interests and needs and desires foremost in our minds. you're not just an object being shuttled back and forth. but your heart and your head and your emotions are on the worst roller coaster of your life now. and pete realizes that too."

Pete agrees with that, too. But he says I cannot serve two masters. It does not work. I only have to please my Dom.

Well, hmmmm...now I'm confused by that again, because right now, my Dom is Peter. He's the one in my head. He's been INSIDE my head for 2.5 years. He's the one I feel loyal to, and feel like I will hurt terribly when I leave.

And so it goes on and on. I am just fucking lost. I'm being torn to shreds.

I hope they both keep that thought in mind when they meet in person on Monday. I may lose it and have another meltdown when we are all sitting face to face. If they don't like each other, or cannot get past any jealousy that might be there, or if things do not go well for some reason, I just know I will die inside. They both mean everything to me. Everything. I just want them both to be happy, with me, and with this situation. I don't know exactly how to achieve this. Somebody will end up hurt, and I want so much to avoid that. I want us all to live happily ever after together. Ya know? I'm a silly naiive dreamer, I know. I'm just a stupid submissive whore.

Love, Sassy Girl