Well, apparently it has NOT been my imagination...Peter and I chatted today for a short while. He says he has been going through withdrawl regarding me, and I told him I have been going through some of that too...and that's why he's staying home more often and trying to be there for dinner more often than before (which he says was a huge issue with his wife). He's apparently trying to focus on being a "good boy." That I can understand, and respect.
If it were true.
But then he said it would be a "disservice" to us both to get together again, (which I'm confused by, because what harm is there in having LUNCH together?) and so the bottom line of his chat was the following:
"I know you want to be with me, and that is very nice. But it's not something that can happen."
Blink. Blink blink. Did I read that right? Did he really say that?
WHAT THE FUCK?? I'm supposed to just swallow that load of crap? I don't think so.
Where does he get off, cheating on his wife for 16+ years of their marriage, and then telling ME that "it's a disservice" if we just get together once here and there? He knows goddamned well that I wouldn't be "cheating,"---I have NEVER cheated on ANY guy I have dated in my whole LIFE, so I'm certainly not going to start NOW----I wouldn't even be CONSIDERED a cheater, as long as Pete knew about it and said it was okay, and I certainly wouldn't go and fuck Peter without talking to Pete about it first, to get his permission....whether he would ever SAY it was okay or not, who knows. I really don't think that he would, unless the 3 of us had some kind of agreement like we did when the two of them shared me.
I mean Jesus Christ, I ENJOYED BEING SHARED!!! Is that such a crime?! I really thought we were all going to be able to continue sharing me awhile...that's what they both said, and so that's why I'm feeling like this right now. I feel like Peter is renigging on this offer of continuing to share me on occasion, and it pisses me off.
Why is it a "disservice" to just meet for lunch with Peter on occasion? That makes no sense. Ya gotta have lunch. It's in a public place, we're fully clothed, there's no harm in it, so what the hell? Before I moved, he TOLD ME we would get together, he SAID nothing had to end, we'd still see each other, etc...so now I'm feeling like he's duped me somehow, just to get me to move away, to rid himself of me once and for all, and it makes me feel quite peeved and upset. I only need a little reassurance that he's still there for me, that he'll always be my friend, like he SAID he would...but he's apparently not going to give me that anymore, and so it hurts. It really hurts. I feel like he's lied to me and I don't understand why he would do that.
It's no secret that I have strong feelings for Peter. How can a person NOT have strong feelings for someone who's been there in your life for 2.5 years? I mean GOD, he was there for me when I was dying inside, hermit-like, anti-social and completely shut down emotionally. He brought me back to life. Pete understands this, and does not object. I am very grateful for that. He sees that Peter was good for me, and to me, and had my best interests at heart.
But okay, maybe Peter's TRYING to get me to be too upset and hurt to wear that necklace of his anymore, who knows. Maybe he WANTS me to be hurt and rid myself of HIM somehow because of it. Maybe this is his version of "tough love." We all know that eventually I will remove Peter's necklace. But why would he lie to me like that? I deserve better than that. It's an insult to my intelligence.
In fact, Peter also knows this: Pete and I have discussed this whole scenario at great length, both before and after I moved here. We have BEEN in a relationship together since Memorial Day, and that hasn't changed, just because I live here now. We're STILL in the same exact relationship, and they BOTH had NO PROBLEM in sharing me THEN...so why would Peter balk at that same idea continuing NOW?? Pete and I would still continue to be in this relationship together even IF I went back to DC to have a D/s session with Peter now and then. A Dom/sub relationship ALLOWS such things, you know. That's the whole point about BDSM, we can play with others. It's NOT vanilla. They are two totally different worlds.
I mean, there doesn't even HAVE to be intercourse. Hitachi wands and blowjobs are perfectly acceptable in the BDSM realm as "playing" with others. The three of us are adult enough and have been in the scene long enough to know and accept that. Pete and I have agreed that once we are rolling along together, we are both OPEN to the idea of sharing. I've got no problem with Pete playing with Vixen, and he has. That means, he sees her naked, they can give each other oral, use toys, etc....So what the hell?? Is this just a one-way street all of a sudden? I'm not allowed to have a Dom on the side once in awhile, but it's perfectly okay for Pete to play with someone else, and it's perfectly okay for PETER to go and cheat on his wife for 16+ years?? It's FINE for the two DOM's to go out and have some subbie on the side, apparently, but oh no, not the SUBBIE in question---I am not allowed the same perk??
Well fuck that. I will most certainly play with others. I am not, nor will I ever BE vanilla, and stuck in a monogamous boring lame-ass vanilla relationship.
And while you're at it, kindly explain to me how cheating on the wife is NOT a "disservice" exactly?? I mean, since WHEN has Peter EVER been worried about a "disservice" before?? NEVER. NOT ONCE. Why suddenly NOW is he tossing that word around and playing the martyr??
Yeah, you might say I am confused that Peter would go and say this, (though Pete says lying is pretty much Peter's everyday MO in just about everything, so he's not surprised at all). But it surprises and upsets ME, because the 3 of us had a sharing relationship for several MONTHS before I moved here, so what's the damned difference if I live a little further away now than I did then? They can still share me, and we're all adults, and I ENJOYED being shared. To me, it seems like a WIN-WIN situation for all three of us. How is a win-win situation a "disservice?"
We were all open and honest about it, and we all got to be true to ourselves. This is a win-win situation for all involved. It is NOT "cheating," it is NOT a BAD thing, it is NOT something unusual in the world of BDSM.
In my opinion, it's MORE of a DISSERVICE to go home to a wife you don't love and rarely have sex with and rarely ENJOY being sexual with, pretending NOT to have Domly cravings and aching needs that go unfulfilled so your soul dies a little every day without it. Being TRUE to yourself is the right thing to do. NOT being true to yourself--THAT is the biggest disservice on the planet if you ask me. So don't sit there and toss around that word Peter, it's a cop-out crock of shit and you know it.
But okay, I guess I'll just just have to deal. He's gone back to his wife for now, and that's that.
Meanwhile---I'm still homesick, I still miss him and it feels like a little tiny bit of my soul is dying every day. Maybe it's withdrawl symptoms, the addiction of the "cocaine" that Peter represents in BDSM to me...I don't know. It sucks though. I crave it. I can't help that, and I'm not going to lie about it or pretend that I don't. I'm glad that Pete knows of this, and of my feelings, and thank GOD he is taking me to the local dungeon this weekend. Thank GOD he plays with me more than twice a week too. I may protest sometimes because I'm not used to it so often, but I need it like the air I breathe, it's not just an occasional hobby to me, it's my LIFE we're talking about here, my SOUL, and both those things NEED IT TO THRIVE. I need ROPE, I need CONTROL, I need some PAIN now and then...I need those "cocaine" addiction things that Peter gave to me in an increasing level to the point of mind-blowing subspace every time we were together.
But now that personified addiction named Peter is telling me NO?! This both confuses and upsets me. I cannot and will not live without it. There's just no way in hell that I could. How can he say NO like that, after 2.5 years of being with me, and being true to himself, and why the hell, if Pete says we can share, wouldn't he want to keep sharing me? God knows I had to share HIM with his stupid WIFE all that time, so what the fuck??
Can you tell I am frustrated by this?
Last week, Peter said that he cares about my soul, but he sure has a funny way of showing it. Thanks Peter. You can TRY going home to the little vanilla wife for a short time, but you and I both know it won't last. That withdrawl we mentioned is going to grow and get worse. And then YOUR soul will die a little every day too. Or, more likely, you'll just find someone else to be Dom with, and cheat on the wife some more, until you finally do get caught and end up divorced and alone.
Now tell me again how dying souls are NOT a "disservice" to us both? Cuz I'm confused. A win-win situation between 3 grown adults, vs. repression, withdrawl and dying souls. Hmmmm.
Seems like a no-brainer to me.
---Sassy Girl
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