Gadzooks

For those blog-addicts out there who read this regularly and who actually KNOW ME PERSONALLY, I would hope that I'd be given the BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT when I write things that are misinterpreted...that is, if I say "Peter KNOWS what I need," and compare that to Pete, I'm not saying Pete has to be some omnipotent being, or has to live up to this holier-than-thou pedestal that I've got Peter on...that's not it at all. In fact, I'm rather offended that some people have totally taken that wrong. I know for a fact that Peter did NOT start out that way with me, he didn't just KNOW things about me, without my telling him in verbal and non-verbal ways what I need. It took TIME for Peter to get to that point of just "knowing" me inside and out like that, and it will also take time for Pete to get to that same point. I know this.

My human flaw, unfortunately, is that I'm impatient. So cut me some slack. So I come here to rant and rave and spew irrational shit sometimes, because it's like my DIARY and I just say whatever's in my head at the moment it's there. I may not fully flush out a thought that's been swirling around in my head either, to the understanding of an AUDIENCE. I write for ME. I write to get it OUT of me, so I can process things and get it OUT there, so I can then function properly again without a myriad of thoughts clogging my brain. We are all in some form or another, victims of instant gratification, are we not? I'm impatient. That's all. I want Pete to KNOW things like Peter did, sure, EVERY SUBMISSIVE WANTS THAT FROM HER DOM...but again, every submissive knows that it takes TIME to work up to that point.

So don't misunderstand me and my previous post, I'm not expecting Pete to BE Peter. I'm not even wanting them to be CLONES anymore like I used to sit here and say, but I said it facetiously. And those of you out there who KNOW me, should KNOW that I'm sarcastic as hell, I'm cynical, and I'm FLAWED as a human being too.

Don't take what I write here as gospel. It's just me, spewing words out of my head so I can continue on with life. I love Pete, otherwise I wouldn't have moved here. So just remember THAT next time you jump to the incorrect conclusion of my writing, assuming things that are not correct.

At the same time, again I am flawed, and hey, ya know what? I miss Peter. So should I sit here and censor myself and pretend I don't, just for the sake of the audience to think of me as some goody goody chick who doesn't have any issues? I think not. I'm not perfect people. I miss the thing I had with a guy I was with for 2.5 years. So sue me. I don't have a switch I can just turn on and off whenever it's convenient. The love I had with Peter is hard for me to just ignore and turn away from. Just give me time. It'll fade, and he's being a shit right now anyway, so it's not like he's coercing me into temptation. He's definitely NOT doing that, which is why I am annoyed. I thought he WOULD, you see, because he SAID he would, and that WE would, and so I figured "Ok, let's get busy," but now he's putting up a stop sign, and frankly that pisses me off.

But, for those of you who really KNOW me...

...I will (eventually) get over it.

And he knows this. And so does Pete. If nobody else out there understands that, I cannot sit here and worry about that. The two men I love in this world, are the only people I really care about what they think of me. Even my family doesn't factor in with that whole thing. If they don't like that I'm involved in BDSM, they don't have to think about it do they? I'm certainly not forcing them to. It's who I am, like it or not, take it or leave it. I'm too friggin' OLD to give a shit about what people think of me anymore.

Those of you who really KNOW me, also know that I like to take my time getting to know people, sure, I don't like rushing into things with anybody, and yes, some would say that our relationship has been a whirlwind. I mean we just met Memorial Day weekend, and I moved here Labor Day weekend. That's rather fast, and TOTALLY NOT how I usually operate when it comes to meeting new people and/or dating someone new.

This whole territory I am in right now, is all new to me.

So, before you sit there and think badly of me for complaining, bitching, whining and moaning about missing Peter, just remember that I'm in a relationship with Pete, that's not changing, I'm not throwing it away, I'm not looking to "cheat," I am simply wanting to be shared by the two men who love me most in the world. That's all. I'm GREEDY too, not just imperfect and flawed with impatience. Keep in mind, I haven't HAD love, or EXPERIENCED love in my whole FOURTY YEARS ON THIS PLANET, so naturally when I finally GET SOME, I want more and more and more and more. I've got an addictive personality too, add that imperfection to the list, and thank my alcoholic daddy for that one.

So, to re-cap, I love Pete. He's my boyfriend who eventually wants to call me "wife." If and when that happens, my world will change yet again. It has changed a great deal since knowing him. But that doesn't mean I am not allowed to miss what I had before he came along, does it? Because I do, and I will continue to, for quite some time, so you blog-addicts who read this regularly should get used to that.
Peter was rocking my world for 2.5 years. I want him to keep rocking my world too, and Pete is open to the idea, but for some reason Peter is apparently giving me shit. So, for that reason, I feel frustrated. NOT because I want him back, he's friggin' MARRIED and I can't have him that way--I just want to be SHARED once in awhile if I go to DC to see him, that's all. I want a play partner in him. Ok? Am I allowed to have that fantasy at least? I mean, the two men in my life, who are both Dom's, can go off and play with other subbie's, but why the hell can't I have the same consideration, and wish for being shared by the 2 men I love??

Just give me a break and don't jump to incorrect conclusions. I'm not a skank whore who is going to jeopardize something good, okay? I may have some flaws, and I may even have a self-destructiveness sometimes, sure, like everybody else, but I'm not STUPID. That's the one thing I will never be.

---Sassy Girl