The loss of self.

Well it seems that Peter says I should censor myself when writing on my blog when it comes to expressing my feelings about him. Apparently it makes him feel angry and upset when I write that I want him to feel as hurt as he's made me feel.

The double-standard of demanding my respect, and not wanting to be hurt and upset, while simultaneously disrespecting and hurting and upsetting ME, is one that I simply must reject. Another double-standard he's handing me is that he's been friends with his other former submissives for YEARS even AFTER the physical relationship ended...but apparently I'm not good enough for him to remain MY friend less than two months after moving away.

So the irony is, he helped restore my soul when he first came along into my life, and now he's basically killing it all over again.

Full circle I guess.

But hey, he's paid his dues, he's put up with me for 2.5 years, and thankfully now I'm gone and no longer in his life, so he doesn't have to deal with me or my feelings anymore---and so it stands to reason, he certainly doesn't have to read my blog anymore either. Right? Nobody forces him to come here and read what I write. Why then does he continue to do so?

I guess I could delete this one, and start a new one elsewhere, a private one, where I no longer have to feel stifled or censored. But, as Peter himself has told me many times over the years we were together, my feelings are valid, they are important, and I have every right to express them and vent about anything I want to. For him to now tell me NOT to do that, is a mixed signal, and a double-standard that I just cannot respect.

I have had a journal all my life, where I've spewed much more venom than I do here, towards many other people in my life. It doesn't mean I actually DO the things I feel like doing, it's called a temper tantrum, ya know? This is just how I get it all out of me, so I can think rationally again and calm myself and get back to reality on an even keel. It's my only source of expression...I don't really have anybody here to talk to, except my dog and Pete. For 2.5 years, Peter was my EVERYTHING. He was my confidant, he was my best friend, he was my lover, my world. Promising to remain friends, but then treating me like crap the whole time I've been trying to transition to a new life and in need of talking to him about things, is not exactly what I had in mind. He's blindsided me with this stuff, and yet when I want to discuss it more, he doesn't want to.

Maybe he'd prefer it if I keep my feelings to myself, and one day out of the blue, when he least expects it, just blind-side HIM like he has done to me. I don't know WHY he would prefer that over reading my daily feelings and venting, taking it with a grain of salt and knowing I am simply expressing my frustrations here, but okay, if that's what he wants, I'll be the obedient little sub and I won't write about him here anymore. I'll just be more covert about everything from now on. Will that make him happy? Probably not. I don't know really WHAT will make him happy anymore, other than me just no longer being in his life.

So, to re-cap, I'm not good enough to remain friends with, despite his other subs that he still remains in contact with, and I am not allowed to write how I feel about him here, I have to censor myself from now on to please him...but won't that only give him a false sense of security? Is that really what he wants?? I'm just supposed to flip a switch, I guess, and pretend I'm not hurt by the things he's done and said...I guess I don't have to express it here anymore. I'll just have to express it in other ways.

...the bottom line is, nothing I do ever seems to please anybody, much less a Dom. I guess I'm just not a very good submissive girl after all.

I have been feeling a lot lately like I have lost myself, and this only reinforces that belief.

---Sassy Girl