Monday blah's.

Well my wonderful "Aunt Flow" has arrived today, ain't life grand. I'm in a rather sappy and sad mood. Just took a nice hot soak in the tub to relax though, after being on my feet all day at work. Been watching the Turner Classic Movies again tonight, my t.v. is finally hooked up...it only took nearly 2 months to get it plugged in.

I've been trying to reach a better frame of mind when it comes to the way Peter has been treating me. I am wondering very seriously if perhaps the girl I introduced him to before I left, in hopes that they might hook up, possibly lied to me. She had said that he seemed nice, and they did have a lot in common, but they decided just to be friends and not hook up in a D/s relationship. But, what if she's lying about that, what if he asked her not to tell me they hooked up, and what if he's actually involved with her (or someone else he hasn't mentioned), and just doesn't want to be bothered with me anymore? That would be a plausible excuse...though rather shitty and backstabbing...but it would make more sense to me if that were the case, than just simply he's turned against me and doesn't want to be my friend anymore for no reason. There has to be some reason.

Another meltdown occurred the other night. I blubbered like an idiot again, and told Pete that this whole thing with Peter has not only crushed me to the point of feeling like lashing out and hurting him back, but it has also made me feel very much like jumping off the nearest bridge. I told him that if I just didn't exist anymore, perhaps that would be some guilt and upset that Peter would have to carry around for the rest of his life in secret, so he knows just how this feels.... maybe that would be an equal retaliation for his behavior and for treating me like this. I also told Pete that I have often thought about just jumping off a bridge, or in front of a train, (especially when I took the metro to work every day, it would have been so easy), or just crash my car into the nearest tree off the highway. I have had these thoughts most of my life, when things get me down or life just seems to difficult. I've stuck around 40 years so far, but I still have these thoughts. Pete doesn't want me to jump off a bridge or anything else, he said, and he's very tempted to write to Peter himself to ask for an explanation of why he's being so cruel to me, causing me upset...but I don't see much point in that. Pete wants Peter to be my friend, to be there to talk to me, to make this transition easier. He's supportive of the friendship. He said I would not only crush and devastate Peter by doing such a thing, but he would also feel completely empty and lost without me. He said he wants me to be happy, not miserable. He said he wants me to feel like this is my home, not like a caged bird. He said he wants me to have friends, even in DC, as well as here....not just be all alone like I have been this whole time.

It hurts me every day that Peter doesn't write to me or call, like he said he would. I'm sure he thinks this "clean break" thing is better, but it's only better for HIM....not for me. And okay, so he released me as his submissive and no longer has to worry or think about what's better for me, right? But when you think about it, I have told Peter in great detail just how upsetting it was for my own mother to give me grief and demand that I return her house key when I announced that I wanted to move to DC. "You won't be needing it anymore," she had said, which made me feel like I had no home to come home to if I should fail at making a life for myself in DC. I didn't speak to her for nearly 8 months because of that. Instead of being a mom who said, "Ya know, I don't really think it's a good idea, but if you're set on doing it, okay, I'll support it and be there for you if you need me," she just shut the door completely on me, and left me feeling like I had nobody at all to turn to. For a mom to do that to the oldest kid, just killed me...ya know? It just killed me. I was hurt and angry and upset and just didn't understand why she would turn her back on me like that, when I didn't deserve it, and part of why I was trying to get a life in DC in the first place was so I could send her money to help out after her divorce. But she kicked me when I needed her to hug me, ya know?

This whole thing with Peter is feeling very much like all that....like the one person I knew and loved most in DC, who promised to be my friend and be there for me and be supportive of this whole adventure with Pete in PA, just suddenly slammed a door on my face, and ripped the key out of my hand. I have no "Dom away from Dom," person to confide in, to be friends with, to help with the stresses of moving here and being alone all the time. I need that. I fully expected him to keep that promise. He gave me no inclination of why I should doubt his promises. Why would Peter do to me the same kind of thing my mother did? What did I do to deserve it? I think he's handling this very poorly. He's disappointed me so many times over the years we were together, from breaking plans to forgetting certain things...but he's never broken a promise to me. Not once. Not until now.

So I sit here, and it gnaws at me. I told Pete that I have felt a major passion for Peter for a long time, and whether that passion remains positive or turns very sour and negative, is up to him. It's an equal passion in either direction. I would like to keep it positive, but without any feedback or communication from him, I don't know how that will be possible. It feels like he's just used me, and is now done with me and has kicked me to the curb completely without so much as a glance or nod. It hurts.

It's going to continue hurting, like my family woes still do with my mom, until I receive an apology from them...and from him.

Why is it so hard for people to simply say, "Wow, I had no idea it was causing you so much hurt, I'm sorry for that, I didn't mean for that to get so bad for you..I just felt hurt myself when you left...so I reacted in anger and treated you badly. I'm sorry." Hearing those words would make all the difference in the world, from both my mom and from Peter.

But for some reason, my mom has never said those words to me, and probably never will. I once wanted an apology from my dad too, during my parents divorce. But that was 18 years ago, and I haven't spoken to him since. He'll never apologize for anything he did or caused my family all those years. In his mind, he has done nothing wrong to apologize for...despite all the affairs he had since day one being married to my mom...despite the son he had with some other woman, a half-brother of mine that I've never met....despite the miscarriage he caused my mom...I would have had an older brother, if he hadn't knocked her down in the driveway with the car when she tried to stop him from driving drunk one night. Things like that seem to me to be worth apologizing for.......but he never will. And that is why he'll never attend my wedding, (should I ever have one), and he'll never know his grandchildren (should I ever have any) and he'll never see me attending his funeral either. I told him that day that he's lost his oldest daughter forever, and I meant every word of it...that was his chance to apologize, but he didn't and he won't. My mom wonders why I don't exert more interest in taking care of her now...but yet she doesn't apologize for kicking me when I needed her most.

Are you seeing a pattern in all this? All of what Peter has done has dredged up these old wounds again, making me feel like I'm not good enough for him to remain friends with, and I'm not good enough for an apology.

Why am I never good enough to receive a simple "I'm sorry" from anybody in my life?

This is a question I ponder, and cry about a lot.

I am sorry that Peter has turned away from me. I don't know what I did to cause him to do that, after promising he wouldn't. He doesn't like it when I express my upset and anger about it though, which I am more than entitled to feel...it is as if he is provoking me, for some reason I do not understand, and that is when I lash out and fight back. His behavior has caused me more hurt than I deserve...it's only natural for me to react in upset and anger when I don't understand the reasons why he's being like this. He could have just kept his promise, and helped me get used to life in Pittsburgh by talking with me about things, being my friend, but he chose to turn away when I needed him most....and that's something I never thought he would do to me. Never.

I'm not going to reach out to people anymore, for any reason. I only end up hurt every time I do. I'm better off just retreating back to being alone with my dog, watching old movies, sleeping a lot, like I was doing before Peter met me. I wish now he had just left me alone. He's the one who pursued me, he's the one who contacted me in the beginning, I didn't contact him...he's the one who pressured and pushed, and eventually started a relationship with me.....and I thought it was strong enough to withstand even a move to a place only four hours north. I feel so disillusioned and disappointed, I can't even convey the depth of my pain right now. I once loved that man, more than life itself...and this is what I get for reaching out and loving someone. I don't think I can ever do that again...I just cannot handle it.

---Sassy Girl