I am feeling much more calm now. I have been a spazzy mess these past few weeks, trying to understand and figure out why Peter hasn't been talking to me, feeling like I've done something horribly wrong, I'm being punished, he hates my guts, etc., but today I finally received a very long and descriptive email from Peter about the things going on in his life, that have caused him to be less-than communicative with me lately.
Without divulging anything he said, the bottom line is that he's having a hard time right now with several issues, some of which are very personal and some financial, not to mention pressure at work and some health scares of family members also. Those reasons, he said, are why he has not been able to write to me or call me in recent weeks. He reminded me, (without even saying these words or mentioning it), that when I begin to "spiral," (as he calls it), and obsess about something (as I have been), I begin to feel increasingly out of control. Whenever that happened during our Dom/sub relationship, he used to grip my hair in his fist, and in a stern voice, tell me to calm down, or make me kneel and put my head in his lap while he caressed my hair, or encouraged me to "let it out" and cry if that's what I needed. Without him here to do that, though, it's been getting more and more difficult for me to stop spiraling on my own. I don't always KNOW that is what is happening.
His email has helped me with that now. I know that the world, and especially his world, does not revolve around me. But I tend to personalize everything, even silence, as a punishment or as an angry emotion directed towards me.....but he has reassured me by saying I've done nothing wrong, he is not punishing me for anything, he knows I need more communication than he's been able to give me lately, he apologized for that, he explained what has been going on....and now I feel infinitely better about everything.
I need him in my life, even as a platonic friend. I have told him as much, many times. I'm glad he is still there, though abbreviated compared to how it used to be between us. As long as he's still my friend, and still communicates with me, I will be okay.
Everything has been such a jumble since I moved to Pittsburgh. It has been very busy, chaotic, emotional, difficult, and not really much fun, I gotta confess. My own DC bank doesn't exist here, so I have no ATM card, no money of my own, etc., so I've been getting an "allowance" every few days from Pete, but it just blows. I feel like my freedom is gone, I can't just buy something I want when I want it like I used to for 40 years of my life...it's so damned frustrating. I'm VERY not happy with my current job situation, I thought by NOW I would have something more substantial than a retail job...but that's just not happening as fast as I had hoped. I'm going to a job fair tomorrow though so somebody had BETTER hire me or heads are gonna roll. I've had it. I was told today by a temp agency that "everything is pretty much at a standstill until after the election."
No, Pittsburgh is not very impressive, unfortunately. I'm rather disappointed. The neighborhood where we currently live is constantly noisy, the neighbors are white-trashy-ghetto-slobs, throwing their garbage and things all around their yards, kids leaving their toys and scooters in our driveway, neighbors parking in our driveway all the damned time, then yelling across the street at each other, dogs without leashes roaming about, barking all the time driving MY dog crazy, there are busses that go by all the time making noise at all hours, and because of this I haven't been able to sleep very well in Pete's room so I've been sleeping in my own room lately, it's in the back of the house away from the street and is much quieter. It's like a cave, and I like it that way. Pete says we'll move in the spring to a better place, but until then, I'm just going to avoid people around here. I just don't like 'em. I finally got fed up with everybody around here yesterday and so I walked to the next door neighbor's house, knocked on their door and confronted them face-to-face to ask them to get their stupid mini-van out of our driveway. I figure I'll ask ONCE, and if they keep parking there after that, I'll just call the police and have them towed.
So no, I have to say quite frankly that this is definitely NOT what I had in mind when I moved here. Not at all.
Not to mention I have no friends, nobody to talk to, or go anywhere with....Pete's friend Vixen took me to a Penguins hockey game last week, but it was scary as hell because so many fans were irate and angry...and I couldn't find any emergency exits in the arena, which made me feel panicked, (I don't like crowded places, I sometimes hyperventilate and feel panicky)...so I told her I was going to the snack bar to get something to munch on, several times, but I actually went to hide in the bathroom to breathe and calm myself down before going back to sit down. I am not a big sports fan kind of chick, to be honest, so while the game was interesting, I was just too freaked out sitting there chewing my fingernails the whole time, feeling like a nervous wreck to really enjoy it. I need quiet things, quiet places, like museums or art galleries, or libraries, etc., not a noisy screaming crowd of insanely crazed sports fans all around me, without at least knowing how the hell I can get out of there quick if a riot broke out or something. Ya know?
So I have nobody to go hang out with, nobody to talk to, no friends, no family here, nothing. Just me and the dog. Pete is off doing his own thing, rehearsing until late night hours every night after work for his upcoming play, and so I am home alone all the time, feeling sad and lonely, watching old movies and just wishing I had stayed put in DC. That is how these past 2 months have been going for me so far. I had a good paying job with awesome benefits in DC, I had a decent place to live with decent roommates, in a neighborhood that I liked very much, it was quiet...and I had my own space.
My own computer isn't working, the "on" button won't turn on for some reason and so I have to use Pete's computer for everything, which is extremely annoying because I feel cut off from my everything, ya know? I have to spend my days off going to a laundry mat to wash clothes, spending quarters and hours of my time at least once each week...I didn't have to do that in DC, I had a nice washer and dryer right there to use every day if I wanted to, for free. I didn't have to spend my days off doing dishes, either, because in DC we had a dishwasher.
These little things that most people wouldn't consider a 'big deal' are really starting to get to me, and I just feel discombobulated, and out of sorts, restless and displaced. This move hasn't exactly been an easy one for me. So all the worry and upset of doing all this just makes me feel exhausted all the time, and depressed. I don't really know what to do. I mean, I keep telling Pete there's nothing HE can do about any of it, though he does try to help cheer me up. The whole thing with him has been very inconsistent though, either he's never here, or he's mauling me and in my face all the time when he IS here, it's not just a nice, even, consistent level of connection...it's sporadic...and difficult for me to bounce back and forth from being all alone all day and evening to suddenly he's mauling me first thing in the morning when I open my eyes. Mornings are not my favorite time of day at all, so for him to wrap himself all around me---especially with BAD MORNING BREATH and being all SWEATY---does not appeal to me. He wants to kiss me all over, he wants to rub me and squeeze me and pinch me and have sex with me----but the last thing on MY mind when I wake up is nooky. If we could somehow wake up squeaky clean with excellent morning breath, then okay I'm all for it...but neither of us can do that. So it's not very pleasant to be mauled when all I want to do is brush my teeth and eat something, and take a shower. I've been waking up alone for 40 years, ya know? The times when he's not here, I am used to being alone, but it's like I'm alone in his house. I feel like I need to go back to MY place, MY space, MY living room, MY bedroom....and so I'm disjointed, disconnected, and discombobulated all the time, going upstairs to his apartment, and back down to my apartment, feeling like I don't belong really in either place.
So, those are just some of my observations and feelings about everything right now. I have this evening off, alone, to breathe and relax and just take it easy...but tomorrow is my day off and I'll be busy running errands and doing so much, I won't have time to write on the blog. Then Pete's kids are coming to visit this weekend so I have to finish unpacking stuff, moving things around, painting, and getting the place looking nice before they arrive. I'm also preparing for a yard sale this weekend, but luckily I'm off the next few days afterwards. I need some time to just relax, I feel like I'm going to collapse from all this stuff. I just cannot handle stress I guess, no matter where I live.
I'm hoping things will get better soon, but right now they don't feel so good.
----Sassy Girl
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