Yeah so, I don't know....

.....I guess this life of mine is getting rather domesticized, somewhat regretfully for the audience I suppose, because for quite some time I haven't felt like writing much on this blog. I used to write explicit and sexy descriptions of the BDSM experiences I had with my Dom in DC, and it helped me to learn more about myself and what I like and dislike, etc. It helped me to learn about my own inner demons, which I contemplated and pondered on a regular basis.

My life has changed a lot in the past year. So much so that I don't even recognize myself most of the time. It's rather scary.

But, I still have inner demons. I don't think anybody or anything will ever take them out of my soul. They are here to stay. I mean, everybody has some kind of inner demon within. That's the biggest lesson about the Holocaust that most people have a hard time facing, admitting, and even considering about themselves. Everybody says, "I would have saved Jews," but you know what, I don't believe you---I mean, you really just don't KNOW that, do you? If your life was at stake, would you risk dying to save other people that you don't even know? So the inner demons are in us all, like it or not, and they stay with you forever.

So, as evil as these inner demons are, they are always a part of who I am, and right now, they are the only part of ME that I still recognize, and so in a warped weird way, they comfort me. I know I can always count on them to give me a disturbing dream. I know they will always be sitting on my shoulder, whispering naughty things in my ear that nobody else will ever know about. I know that they will tempt me, and coerce me, and cause me to crave things I should no longer crave. They will make me think things I should no longer think. They will make me miss things I should no longer be missing. This is comforting, because I am re-inventing myself I guess, and I don't really know what the hell I'm doing or who I am right now.

I used to have time to sit and ponder and write and contemplate, but now my life has changed again, with Pete's mother moving in soon. I have an 88 year old woman to take care of now, to make breakfast for, to give medications to, and to clean up after and try to keep her active and busy with projects and chores and little things that make her feel needed. I'm still putting the finishing touches on my book, which hopefully soon will be sent off to the publisher to get it done before Anne Frank's birthday on June 12th. I still haven't had time to paint the house the way I want to. I don't seem to have much time to do anything like I did before, so this is taking its toll on me a bit. I'm tired a lot. I feel overwhelmed a lot. I feel lost a lot.

But I guess that's just the way life goes once you take the leap of faith into domesticity. I'm not officially "married" to Pete, but his long-time friend who visited last weekend told me "Yeah, you guys really ARE married, ya know that?" But I don't feel it. I mean, aren't you supposed to FEEL married if you "are" married? I don't FEEL married. I feel like I'm in a relationship, and that we're shacking up, so we're like roommates with benefits really, and that's fine. I don't know how a married person "feels," really, but from the level of divorce statistics out there, I can only guess that it ain't so great.

I do have a temp job, twice a week, at an office downtown, so that occupies my time away from the house and taking care of everybody else, which is a good balance that I need. It doesn't bring in much money but it's something that nourishes my soul, and I'm going to work at it as long as they let me.

Next weekend I'm going to Ocean City with my friend Barbara, to breathe some ocean air and go to an arts and crafts festival, (we go every year), so that will be a nice getaway, while Pete spends time with his mother on Mother's Day. I'm flying out of Pittsburgh on that Friday and returning late Sunday night. I'm looking forward to it. It comforts me, to go and do things that I used to do, with a friend I've known since the age of 9. This "new me" is somebody I barely know, hardly trust, and feel wary about every time I look in the mirror. Who am I trying to fool, I wonder, I'm no "Donna Reed." I'm not the housewife TYPE. But, okay, I'm in this domestic dream right now, where everything's foggy and weird, and I'm trying to make sense of it all.

I guess I'd better go say goodnight to Pete and his mom. I could sit here and write about the D/s experiences I have with Pete, but somehow that doesn't seem to go with the domesticity that I find myself living at the moment. So, I keep it to myself.

Bye for now. ----Sassy Girl